- Let the record show that when the pants came off and the poking of the butt occurred, I was the one doing the poking.
- When you really look at the ass, Mark McGwire is in far better shape than Madonna
- Dave Stewart? Gay as a San Francisco parade.
- Let's get big!! Where's my hypodermic?
- As gay as injecting something into another man's ass sounds....I'd like to know who was putting the cream on Barry Bonds' tongue
- I'm still a few thousand murders from taking the Most Notorious Cuban title away from Castro and Tony Montana
- Removing those drugs from the street...even by taking them into my bloodstream...makes me sort of like a Cuban superhero
- Steroids don't make you angry....although I did attack a toaster once.
- I blame BALCO for 89% of my speeding tickets in the Porsche.
- When Madonna finished with me, she asked me to make sure the pool was clean
- I only live in Miami because the New England winters aggravate the needle marks on my posterior.
- "I didn't come to America to take this kind of nonsense, Judge."
- Girls like Madonna just need a big Cuban guy to make them feel small and submissive.
- Steroids are bad for you....sure, I hit more homers than Ty Cobb.... but a man with less muscle mass could have got my Ferrari up to 170mph.
- "Madonna blamed the roids, but lots of people punch girls in the face as they finish the sex"
- I give a lot of my time to charity, y'honor.....I do a lot of work with unwed mothers.
- Some girl named Monponsett Stacey is still calling 1-900-JOSE
- Texas cops get really mad at you when you give them your baseball card for ID when they pull you over.
- I'll be the first guy to enter the Hall of Fame wearing a "Miami Department of Public Works" jumpsuit.
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