Keeping Abreast Of Trends

   Generally, we keep it sports in here. This won't be an exception, although we'll be working on the fringes. Perhaps only I can write this article, and it is a subject that needs to be discussed.

    If you surf the Internet enough, you learn the important stuff. Even if you're not really looking for it, or so I'm told. A recent trend in advertising is building commercials around women with superb breasts.

   For starters, the ghost of Janet Jackson's right one loomed over the Super Bowl halftime show like a gargoyle. These shows will be so haunted for many years to come. Offhand, I'd say that Janet's was the first serious breast that 40 million American kids ever saw, and it will forever be a sort of Mammary Lane nightmare for any network producing a show.

   This year's entertainment was a guy doing the greatest hits of 1962. Though they still managed to have "bought some California grass" broadcast to 100 trillion children, Sir Paul didn't moon the crowd or tribadise Christina Aguilera. I can pretty much guarantee that no one got wood during this year's entertainment. America was safe.

   It was all offset by the GoDaddy.com girl, who has the god-given talent to never really sink that deep in quicksand, if you know what I'm saying. I don't really know what she was selling, as that topic was broached in the ad while every man in my house was going "Damn, look at the set on that girl." She stole the show at the Super Bowl Ad War by doing a stripper dance in a wife beater at a mock Senate hearing. This girl was a freak, and she could feed every infant in the Sudan if they required it of her.

   In a literal tit-for-tat gesture, GoldenPalace.com secured the rights to advertise on Shaune Bagwell's chest. For a smooth $15K bid during an Ebay auction, Shaune will tattoo the logo of the company on the 36 part of her that isn't her I.Q. score. She has to wear it for a month, and if you see her at the Pro Bowl or the Daytona 500....Showtime.

   Shaune is a sports story only because she was previously known as the girl who took Houston slugger Jeff Bagwell to the cleaners in their Clinton-era divorce. While I forget the details, she was awarded a phenomenal settlement so comically huge that Gloria Steinem was outraged. Had the judge ordered Jeff to carry an electric eel in his pants for a decade...at least he'd still be rich when the decade was over.

   Jose Canseco is also in the news, and while his post-steroid man breasts haven't come up yet, he is (or was) married to a Hooter's girl. Arriba!!

   It seems that early February has become a time to pay homage to the Tig Ol' Bitties. Much like anarchists focus on April 19th for the Hitler/Waco/Oklahoma City/Lexington-Concord connection, breast aficionados will become more alert as Super Bowl week approaches.

   If you ever need to see something that you can't explain, try typing "Lexington/Concord" in an AOL chat room without the quote marks. To my knowledge, it can't be done....and I even nagged some AOL Live Help guy into going to the room and trying it. He could offer no explanation. It was before the Patriot Act that I discovered this, btw.