My First Daytona 500

   I have managed to live nearly 30 years without ever watching an entire NASCAR race. That changes today. The fact is that I have nothing else to do, and I have 2 children to prevent me from doing much more than checking in on them as they nap.

   So, time to turn on Fox and watch the Country/Western Grammys. While this isn't the Super Bowl- whoever wins Daytona has a whole Viagra Cup series to win before he is truly the Main Man- it is the race you really have to win to be a true legend.

   If you're looking for an informed discussion of this race, I'd suggest that you find the Diecast Dude link in the Favorite Journals and check him out. He's the one who told me what NASCAR stood for, and he is capable of correcting any huge errors I make. I can name about 5 drivers- Dale Jr, Jeff Gordon, Rusty Wallace, Jimmie Johnson....OK, four drivers.

   Today is the day. Daytona is the bee's nuts, and I am looking forward to watching one of these suckers get run. I'm an interesting reporter on this event- I have little technical knowledge, and I could give a hoot in Hell about who wins. There are all sorts of angles and stories that go into this race, and I know of almost none of them.

Here's what I know about the Daytona 500:

- It's in Florida

- They make only left hand turns- thanks, Paul

- Dale Earnhardt's Gas Tank of Life came up empty here, but rather than view the track as a Tomb, his son is instead in it to win it.

- They do either 500 miles or 500 laps.

- Either Dale Jarrett has the pole (the best spot to start the race) and Jeff Jarrett is the wrestler, or vice versa.

- Having the pole is important, because you don't have to pass 50 cars to win it. You get the pole by posting the best speed in a preliminary race against the clock on an empty track.

- Ashton Kutcher and his mom- ooops, I mean Demi Moore- is the official starter...which is akin to dropping the ceremonial faceoff for all you hockey folks.

- NASCAR is a huge sport, and far removed from its' moonshine runnin' roots.

Here's what I've heard since I started asking:

- Jeff Gordon is a punk.

- Dale Jr. is as good as any of them, but he isn't his old man. He has a red car.

- A couple of guys would like to punch Kurt Busch in the face.

- Kevin Harvick is a dirty racer, and a good bet to smash into someone.

- Rusty Wallace is either retired, or just about to retire....which means that he'd be killed if this was a movie.

- Mario Andretti isn't in this race.

- If there's a huge crash, everyone has to slow down to 100 mph or so till they scrape the hillbilly off the pavement.

- If I'm willing to leave my husband...or at least break my vows...there are several men in the NASCAR chat rooms who will take me to the races in New Hampshire.

- There aren't a lot of brothers on the track.

- Richard Petty was the best ever, but he retired before the Wall got him.

   Jesus...this is the worst opening musical interlude I ever saw. Brian Wilson is trembling like a man on some bad schizophrenia medication. 5 For Fighting sounds as un-NHLish as a band could sound...and if they were lynched after the race, the crime would go uninvestigated. Vanessa Fox-Williams may be the only black in the stadium.

   OK...enough preliminaries....let's start this Bad Larry. I'm curious to see if I start rooting for a particular car once the race gets going. My sister thinks I'll end up rooting for whoever has the prettiest car.

   Gentlemen.....Start Your Engines!!

   I'll go Stream of Consciousness:

-  Dale Jr already bumped someone on purpose.

- Bobby LaBonte blew his engine...he's done........they should leave the wrecks on the track, and add a fun slalom aspect to the race.

- They should have this on I-95. New Hampshire to Florida, bystanders be damned.

- We missed an 8 car crash because of a Coke commercial.

- 13 laps in, and I still haven't found myself rooting for anyone. I am partial to the Mark Martin car's color scheme, but I don't want to root for the paint until all is lost. At that point, I should just go start a Mom journal.

- I like the close-ups when the cars make a millisecond zipzipzip sound.

- I just heard a professional announcer say "coop-er-a-tition"

- Matt Kenseth just blew his engine....let's see if HIS husband yells at him like mine does when I blow engines.

- Harvick actually taped his car back together when it wrecked.

- 2 of the 3 Wallaces are out already....only the old man remains....I can already hear the funeral march.

- Sideline NASCAR reporters call the drivers "Sir."

- I have to drive to the store for cheese after the race....if you live near Monponsett, stay out of my way.

- Much like flocks of geese, if you get behind someone, you can ride their draft....you just have to pick a spot to make a pass move.

- I won a  sportswriting contest, and I have no idea what "Boogity Boogity Boogity " means.

- All the "r" sounds Bostonians drop from words like "car" are sent to Georgia and put in words like "wash."

- It must be grand fun changing Junior's back tire when he left his tail end on a track where people are driving 170mph.

- Failure to jack a car up with one pump is the difference between 5th and 25th place.

- If some drunken Johnny Reb walked out onto the track and got hit by 21 cars, he'd be smashed to atoms.

- Some racer is wearing fire-proof underwear.

- The driver of the Viagra car can just take his hands off the wheel and drive with the ol' Jimmie Johnson.

- Daryl Waltrip's commentary makes J.R. of the WWE sound like Prince Charles.

- Rusty has moved up to 10th....start the Ironic Death paragraphs.

- Jimmy Johnson should really be driving the Viagra car...he's a natural

- Tony Stewart has been winning for a while.

- All the Cialis commercials during this race are making me reconsider my desire to move South when I retire.

- Gotta love an event where someone says, "Hey Dale," and 8 men answer.

- As I watch this.....Karma demands that some serious NASCAR fan somewhere is buying a 50 Cent CD on a lark.

- The Viagra car should have to do 275 laps.

- 33 laps to go, and I still don't really have a fave.

- No more pit stops....no more shuffling of the deck.

- The damn drivers wait for the commercials to wreck...grrrrr

- Some dude...#22...just flipped like 5 times....tremendous!

- Lots of shattered dreams....but a good crash sure does clear up the track.

- Quote from the chat room I'm in, concerning the possibility of advertising on a NASCAR: "Cleatus jo:  OK IF'N U SEE AGUSTA MILK PRODUCTS ON THE AZZ END O THAT CAR U WILL SAY DAYUMMM CLEATUS!"

- 23 drivers left....7 laps or so....very intense...I'm getting into it...7 Lap Shoot Out!

- The good part about the last laps....if someone is gonna wreck someone...now's the time

- Dale Jr is trying to go outside to get the lead...they trade spaces...Stewart gets the lead...white knuckle time!

- Dale has the lead now...crowd's going willllllllllllld!!!!!!!!

- Dale proves one thing...Big Balls are indeed hereditary. His old man's old man had a quote on it..."The only lap you have to lead is the last one."

- My daughter has watched me drive  and her father drive...and now she has watched Dale Jr. drive....yikes...she'll be a killer.

- Now Gordon has the lead...but Dale is on his ass.....2 laps left...boomboomboomboom goes the heart!

- Junior and Gordon are having an Alabama real man contest...now Busch is making his move....2nd place....

- Jeff takes it with a power move at the end...the people in the chat room are PISSED...but Jeff earned his Pepsi today. He won his third Daytona, and he has the early lead in whatever cup they're contesting.

- Cleatus on Jeff's win: Cleatus jo:  LIKE I SAID I DONT CARE IF HE'S WEENIE HUMPIN' HE MAKE CLEATUS HAPPY

- Boy....Tony Stewart choked at the end....then he starts bumping other cars after the issue is settled....I just may get to see a post-race fight after all.

   Well...that was a lot of fun, for a rookie like me. A little dull at first, but the end- 4 lead changes in 9 laps- was absolutely compelling. Gordon, Earnhardt and Stewart were all over each other at the end, and Jeff may have been in trouble if it were the Daytona 510.