NBA Preview

  

    NBA time.

   They have been disgraced before the world, and people in Argentina can snicker when some NYC guy starts talking about how good the games are at his court. Germans can make suggestions about the Americans maybe kind of needing to lower the basket a foot or so. Italians can joke about humiliating Tim Duncan.

   American ballers are selfish, poorly-trained in the fundamentals, and can't shoot fish in a bucket. That said, I am still looking forward to the new NBA season. Let's bring that German team to the NBA, play them 82 games a year, and see how they do against some of the ballers who they may have missed in Athens. They'd beat Dallas...depending on where Dirk Diggler ended up.

   Besides, we have most of the good players from the teams that beat us. The NBA is still the Big Show, and should make for some fun TV this winter.

   Here's a bit of Smurf Logic for each team out there...

- Toronto better hope for a lot of snow, to cancel enough games to let Vince Carter's knee rest. "Vince and Rose, and hope it snows". Chris Bosh has talent, but he is so thin, he fails to reflect sunlight when turned sideways. In a non-expansion year, they'd be lucky to win 20 games. Isn't that Skip To My Lou starting at point? Having Skip To My Lou on your team is the NBA equivalent of having He Hate Me on your special teams squad. You may see Meadowlark Lemon if things fall apart by December.

- Washington is interesting, if nothing else. They can put some points on the board. Arenas and Hughes can score 40 a game between them, easily. Jamison can play either forward spot, and has a 50 point game in his past. Kwame makes the difference, here. If he can play, they're in the playoffs. If he dogs it, the team will be reekin' like Puerto.

- Indiana won more games than anybody last year. They have the Jerm, who is now the 2nd best O'Neal in the East. They have the Artest Formerly Known As Ron. They have the ghost of Reggie Miller Past. They have a good bench, with Jackson, Bender and Croshere. You'll see them in May.

- Miami swung a trade to land Shaq without losing Wade. They will be tough to stop, even for Detroit. Unfortunately, Miami is very thin. They have a guy named Rasual, a Udonis, and the 7 foot+ Chinese man who can't play. They're lacking bench players, but Shaq Fu covers a lot of errors. They'll lose the 12-20 games Shaq misses, and stomp through the Playoffs if he's healthy. Only Detroit keeps them from the Finals, and that is no sure bet. Shaq might be more effective without Kobe.

- Orlando was almost flung into space when Shaq landed in Miami....like a fat girl falling on a see saw that a kitten is resting on. This looked like the Steve Francis/Wait Till Dwight Howard Gets Better Show....but if Grant Hill keeps it up, they could slip into May.

- Philly has a good coach in Jim O'Brein, and a selfish gunner at point. They have little else....even Mark Blount passed on them. Kenny Thomas tries really hard, but they start dudes who wouldn't make Team Angola's bench.

- New Jersey/Brooklyn looks plain awful. Jason Kidd will leave as soon as he is healthy enough to walk away, and it's 82 games of Mercer and Jefferson shooting 15 footers. Charlotte will lose to them once as they look past NJ to that big Atlanta game.

- Detroit has it going on. They play as a team, are fairly young, and everybody is signed. They lost Okur, but replaced him with a rested McDyess. They also have a coach who went from God to Goof faster than you can say, "Beat the Lakers, lost to Lithuania."

- Milwaukee has Van Horn and Redd, but the rest of the team su-uh-ucks. That said, they play above themselves from time to time, and should make the dance.

- Chicago wrecked a pretty good team a few years ago, when they dumped Artest, Brad Miller and Elton Brand to end up with, basically, two high school flops and the worse Davis brother. Chandler is solid on D, but he's injury prone. Curry can score, but he has his head up his sass most of the time. They have some smaller, young talent, but this team will have to overreach themselves just to be awful.

- Charlotte's motto should be "Watch Emeka Progress" or "We'll be in the Lottery for a While". That new center they have, Rafdghbebvic Smurfaluscovic..he's looking good. OK...I just made that guy up. The team blows....but 2007 looks good.

-  Cleveland is on the rise. LeBron is a superb player. Ilgauskas(?) is a fine center, and Gooden was a great pickup- I equate trading for him with finding a really cool Prom date after your steady disses you the Thursday before. The lack of bench will hurt them in the important games. If Zydrunas gets hurt for the year again, there is always a chance of LeBron going, "Hey wait....I live in Cleveland...I want out"

- New York, New York should stink like Gin Baker's vomit. Stephon is a trip, but Kurt Thomas, Nazr Mohammed and Mike Sweetney just ain't gettin' it done.

- Atlanta.....yikes. Antoine Walker will throw up 25 shots a game, and Georgians will wish there was a hockey game on.

- Boston is in dire straits. Pierce has peaked, they are tied to a huge LaFrenz contract, the Glove wanted out before he got here, and we have far too much hope resting on the shoulders of picks 15, 23 and 24 in the draft. Only ping pong balls can save us, and the last time I had faith in those, Tim Duncan became a Texican. The really goofy GM isn't helping, either. They should heavily medicate Red, and just have a nurse tell him that the Celtics are winning all the time.

- Utah is very easy to root for. Did I conjugate that properly? They have a brilliant coach, play team ball, and have a guy named Boozer. They missed the playoffs by an eyelash last year, and they re-armed like an angry Eastwood over the summahhh. And while he's a class act, Sloan always looks like his hobbies are kicking ass and chewing bubblegum...and he's all out of bubblegum. He could give an Old Army-style ass kicking to any of his kids that mouth off. They'll play for him.

-  Dallas has the Diggler, who is one of the best. They also have a patchwork backcourt anchored by (paid like)Mike Finley... who has a contract so bad, Danny Ainge laughs at it. The Dampier move was risky/good, but he could dog them right out of the first round. Dikembe Mutombo pronounces the new wingman's last name as "Steakhouse."

- Phoenix needs to trade a SF for a C, ASAP. They overpaid Nash like he had pictures of the GM with a hamster.

- San Antonio is my odds-on favorite. Big Stoic won't meet an equal unless he sees Shaq in the Finals. His supporting actors do their jobs well, and Barry should stretch the D. Ginobili(?) may rival the Medellin Cartel boss as the most recognizable South American in the US of A. C'mon...name one...I dare ya. Pele may rival him, but when you say "famous soccer player" to an American under 35, they think "Mia Hamm-Garciaparra."

- Portland Jail Blazers...."You're a funny kid....so what time does the bus to Boys Town leave?"....To put this team in proper perspective, if you really look at the Deviance exhibited in this team's arrest record, they only add up to the potential danger to society of .7891 Ray Lewises.....unless you are a pitbull. The only guy on that team who hasn't been arrested- Shareef Abdur Rahim- just might kill someone if they keep playing him at the 3.

- The Clippahhhhhhhhhhs suck every year, but the Red Sox just won the World Series, so pencil these guys in as Western Conference finalists. They almost signed Kobe, though.....lol

- Denver went shopping, and came back with the whole K-Mart. Loads of talent, but fragile...and the non-injury-prone guy already tore his Achilles'. Camby is hurt so much, I've seen him miss games he was actually in. Nene can take a punch, but Carmello had a depressing summer. If everyone stays healthy, and they get a 2 guard, they could hit like an avalanche.

- Minnesota is KG. They have some other talent- Sprewell, Cassell, Wally Gator- but Kandi Man was a bust. $14 million can't feed Sprewell's family...if Spree's family was Latvia. KG should simply tear the league apart until they meet San Antonio. All bets are off, then.

- Seattle has Ray Allen, a perimeter power forward, and a bunch of garbage. Coughlotterycoughcough....

- Houston has the best Chinese baller, and the funkiest man in Texas. I wonder if Yao likes Hank Williams Jr?

- LA should suck, if there's any karma in the world. Kobe should be staring at the loss column in March, feeling as Hitler did when he found out that Heaven wasn't having him, and that Hell was run by Anne Frank.

- New Orleans should trade Baron Davis to Utah for the rights to the name Jazz. Then, they can just pretend to be an expansion team.

- Memphis deserved Eric Dampier, but Hubie will get them to the playoffs again. They also have the less dangerous of the Jason Williamses.

- Golden State had the worst off-season in basketball, going back to when the Cavs traded James Worthy for Don Ford. They deserve the sucking they're about to do. Foyle should be a professor at Colgate after getting that contract for his wick-wick whack career.

- Sacramento is not California.

All right, kid....$30 million over 6 years...that's my final offer.