I have not yet begun to fight...

  

   Not a lot of people know this, but your favorite Smurf has been in a melee much like Ron Artest and friends. Mine was a little less televised, and was most likely much sexier.

   Duxbury High School was a wealthy place. I used to park my 1986 Sentra among the Porsches and BMWs, but I was One Of Them to the girls we'd play in soccer. We would use financial stuff to taunt the other teams, especially when we'd play a more blue-collar town. "My house is worth $700,000," "How's the Community College search going?" and "Exactly how does one cook squirrel?" were taunts you'd get if you were on the DHS field.

   Well, one day we were playing Plymouth, and a fight started. As it was close to the sidelines, the parents of the combatants became involved, which led to a general melee. Coaches, police, teachers, parents, students- it was sort of like a town meeting, except for the blood.

   I had to cross the field to involve myself, and by then, it was a dogpile. I simply grabbed one of the girls off the pile...and she threw me to the ground, just like I was a child. If that wasn't bad enough, she sat on me and kneeled on my arms- I was pinned like Dale Jr's speedometer. Kicking out only works on TV wrestling, btw...

   Now, I have enough sense to realize that guys love to see girls fight- "Leave them alone...they might start kissing". Still, I really wanted out of that position, for two very good reasons:

1) I have what would be politely called a "Gallic nose". There was a dance that weekend, and I couldn't show up with a crooked schnout.

2) This girl could slap like Jason Kidd when the dishes aren't done. 5 foot athletes have enough problems without being seen crying on the field.

   Keep in mind, I grew up to become a wrestling writer. If you watched WOW and enjoyed the Bronco Billie/ranch storyline...you have me to thank. That said, I fight like a...well... "girl" wouldn't do justice to the girl who was kicking the **it out of me. I fight poorly.

   So, I did what any self-respecting fighter would do in that situation...I turned my face and bit into her thigh like a chocolate bunny. She rolled off me- screaming- and I tipped onto her and started whipping her like Massa. I'd have made her cry if that stupid cop hadn't grabbed me....

   Anywho....I could share a beer with Artest, and trade a few stories. Ron fights a lot better than I do, and whatever his problems may be- and they are legion- he has enough in the jock to charge into a Detroit audience. That's crazy, folks...and you don't want to fight anyone who is crazy.

A few notes on the Detroit Breakdown:

- I returned from a week in New Hampshire to find a call from Celtic coach Doc Rivers on my answering machine. He wants me to sit courtside at the Gard...umm, Fleet Center, and taunt players from contending teams into charging into the stands after me.

   Few athletes could handle having a French girl snarl at them, especially when she's a schoolmarm, as well- my husband refuses to argue with me for those exact 2 reasons.

   Doc offered $5k, but I'm holding out for ten. If Shaq came after me, I'd just crawl under the seats. If Kobe came after me...well, that ring he put on Vanessa wouldn't even make me stop crying. I have 3 sisters with accents as annoying as mine, and if Garnett, Duncan, and Stojavovic can be provoked...the Celtics will play waiver-wire squads straight through the Finals. Peja might be tough to provoke- how do you say "poo-say" in Serbian, anyhow?

- I've heard a lot of racial comments made about this scene, and those people are simply wrong. In a year or so, go to a bar and say, "who was that athlete who went into the stands after a fan?" You'll probably get a hockey player, or that dude who whipped the chair at that lady during the baseball game. What is outrageous in the NBA would be small change in minor league hockey...which is about as black as a Seinfeld episode.

   The best crowd fight I ever saw involved the Boston Bruins in Madison Square Garden, which may be a worse place than Detroit to challenge 15,000 people. Someone stole Terry O'Reilly's stick, and he went into the crowd after the miscreant. Other Bruins joined him, and havoc ensued. At one point, defenseman Mike Milbury took off a man's show and beat him with it.

   It isn't a generational thing, either. Ty Cobb went into the stands a few times, and Jackie Robinson probably should have.

- I'll be at Sam Goody's at 7 AM tomorrow to buy Ron Artest's new CD. I'm afraid not to. I heard him freestyle on AOL's "The Show," and he's lucky he owns TruWarrier Records.

- If you ever sit courtside for one of these riots, remember not to run up on the angry 7 foot black guy. I'd have been like,"You got a problem?" to Larry Brown, or the play-by-play guy.

- How much beer would have to be thrown onto Ron Artest in order for him to absorb enough to put his blood alcohol level over .08, thus making him illegal to operate a motor vehicle?

- Stephen Jackson should really try to remove the yellow headband before he tries to fight 15,000 people. He looked like a Bizarro World gaybashing.

- Thank God that a nude Nicolette Sheridan didn't jump into Artest's arms....we'd have a Bad Scene, then.

- Gotta love America....Ron gets 70 games for trying to kill someone. If he got caught smoking marijuana 3 times, he'd be Roy Tarpley's teammate on the Out Of The NBA squad.

- While he's $6.3 million dollars lighter, Artest should buy a full steak dinner for Jackson, O'Neal and Chuck Person. Someone who has your back while you're fighting the city of Detroit is someone you want to keep fat and happy.

- As shocking as the fight was, I was truly startled to see Rasheed Wallace, Rick Mahorn and Chuck Person as the cooler heads in that scene. This is like having Osama bin Laden telling you not to react so harshly to a perceived slight.

- Was Cheryl Miller there, and did Reggie hide behind her?

- David Stern has the final say in any arbitration that involves this case, but that could be challenged by the ACLU. Stern has too much financial interest in the NBA to make a fair decision. I can see Artest suing the NBA or whoever over having to toil in a "hostile work environment". Look for NBA games to be played in a big plexigalss dome by 2010.

- 99% of baseball fights happen on the pitcher's mound, far out of Thrown Beer range. Otherwise, someone would have gone after Bill Buckner right after he muffed that grounder....and no court would convict.

- I'm sure that only the larger, Lambeau Leap-required walls at NFL games have prevented Lyle Alzado, Ray Lewis or Bill Romanowski from attacking fans. Also, football players are armored, and wouldn't feel a Bud Heavy hitting them.

- I am quite sympathetic towards Mr. Artest...considerably more than most everyone I've seen writing on the subject.

   If he's crazy enough to go into the stands, he wouldn't back down from the afro known as Ben Wallace. Instead, he simply laid out on the announcer's table like it was a hammock. I doubt he was playing dead.

   I have no doubt that it took every ounce of self-restraint he had to do that....and then someone gave him a Golden Shower, so to speak. Warn the villagers....

-  Play the fight video over an Artest song, and BAM....video #1. Notice how Artest was in the melee for 4 minutes and 8 seconds....the exact length of his first single, "Kill Whitey".

- There was a fight at the Harvard game last weekend, but no one gets upset over that.

 

- Top 10 Ron Artest Justifications:

10) "Shall I fight 6'9", 270 pound Ben Wallace or the 5'8", 165 pound drunken accountant...hmmmmm"

9) "I felt badly for all those Detroit Red Wing fans who haven't seen a sports fight this year."

8) "I heard someone in the crowd disparaging Monponsett Stacey"

7) "It was a wardrobe malfunction"

6) "Anywhere I'm standing at any given moment is the Independent People's Republic of Artestan....and my diplomatic immunity prevents me from being charged with any felony."

5) "I was trying to give the man back his beer"

4) "I'd like to apologize to the NBA, my team, and the fans....and my new CD is out November 23rd."

3) (stolen off WEEI) "I was upset that, despite being one of the first 5000 people in the building, my NBA status prevented me from getting my free Antonio McDyess bobblehead doll"

2) "I just wanted Derrick Coleman to hug me from behind"

1) "Hey...he's not the Sm-Artest."

 

On the Top 10 Injured Reserve:

11) "Sweet...I get Thanksgiving and Christmas off"

12) "There goes my mother******g Nobel Peace Prize"

13) "I've seen worse fights at the Cooley High choir recital"

14) "I put the 'ass' in 'assault'..."

15) "Someone saying "Dear God, don't kill me' sounds a lot like 'Hey, N*****r" when you are having a psychotic episode"

16) "I wanted lots of rest for the 2005-2006 season"

17) "Let's see you top that, Kobe"

18) "I was gonna play baseball, but the steroids make me angry"

19) "I detest light beer....throw a Schlitz Malt Liqour, and I'll sign my sneakers and give them to you"

20) "I misplaced my car keys, and I thought they might be in one of the spectators' skulls"