Hockey...Denied

   The NHL has announced a lockout of the players for the 2004-2005 season. They will stay locked out until some severe differences can be ironed out between players and ownership. Hockey is on ice, folks.

   There will be ramifications that will touch even the Deepest South of us. People who pronounce it "hokey" will feel the effects. Even though it is the weak sister of "real" sports like football and golf, I will miss our Molsonic friends from the true Frozen Tundra.

   Here's a few things to look for as the lockout rages:

- An increase in the competitive spirit of local Ice Capades shows appears almost imminent. A lot of the NHL guys who never made the big dollars tend to be the cement head type, and they will need work. The Ice Capades may be the only possible work for a guy who has "skating" as his primary skill. This could get good when a couple of goons end up in the same chorus line, and some old rivalries rear their ugly heads. Maybe someone will finish the Job on Nancy Kerrigan.

 

- Look for amateur hockey leagues to experience a huge upswing in talent. This should be especially prevalent in the wealthier suburbs of NHL cities, where local club teams will suddenly have a talent pool of almost Rotisserie proportions. With player debt being a huge concern, one could suddenly see Eric Lindros playing in some of those games where they keep a keg on the bench...for the right price.

- FOX could make a show based entirely on Hockey Fights. A sort of tournament-based reality show, heavy on the Canada lifestyle/scenery....let's call it Drop The Gloves. Putting them all in the same house would be even better- imagine Tie Domi and Bob Probert(is he dead?) as roomies? Imagine the fights between American and Canadien goons, over things like bacon and Molson/Budweiser superiority? If we could work Chicks into it somehow, I could sell it.

 

- Encouraged by the name/brand recognition of NHL stars, Hollywood screenwriters begin to develop more parts for big, dumb, toothless Canucks. Mischa Barton will dump whoever she is dating on The OC, telling him she needs a guy with "a better plus/minus rating".....cue Joe Thornton.

 

- The 2008 Winter Olympics will feature the Modern Hockatholon, an endurance event featuring cross-country skating, stickhandling, checking, fist fights and slalom. It will culminate in a breakaway penalty shot.

 

- The wealthy suburb of Monponsett, Massachusetts will gain national prominence when several local millionaires recruit unemployed NHL stars to be the pawns in their nefarious Splash!!: The Fall Through The Pond Ice Game. Claude Lemieux will be missing until the spring thaw.

 

- There will be no shortage of "Before" guys for the "Before and After" shots in the new Crest magazine ads.

 

- Al-Queida invades, and despite all of our technology, the War is decided by North America's capacity to produce men who can skate really fast. The Muslim infantry is slaughtered by NorAm skaters in the Battle of Lake Erie, which is sort of a reverse Hattin. The city of Buffalo is spared, and the NorAm forces rally to smash the infidels.

 

- In 2005, the principal weapon used in Canadien bank robberies is a Hockey Stick, and 96% of the perps are wearing a Jason Vorhees mask.

- When the NHL returns, the black athlete will have surpassed the Canadian on the ice, and you won't see a white guy outside of the net again. Canadians will then get heavily into polo.