Dryyyyyyyyyyy Snitchin'

Snitches get stitches.

Loose lips sink ships.

I know nothing, Commandant.

I smell a rat.

Umm...that must have been like...other kids, or something.

A** so fat, she'd make the illest n****r dry snitch....

   Kobe Bryant earned his Ghetto Pass on the hardwood, not in the streets where a certain way of doing things exists. Kobe's talent and his family's wealth enabled him to avoid growing up in an environment where detectives frequently pop by to ask a few questions.

   A lot of cop movies involve some Dirty Harry-type sticking a howitzer down a  kid's throat to gain a confession, and that is indeed a good way of finding out what you want to know. Most cops work with more subtlety, though. They do so because sometimes a Kobe Bryant will let some details slip in a more relaxed conversation.

   According to the LA Times, Kobe admitted that Shaquille O'Neal had been able to pay girls off in "situations like these," and that he thought he could pay this girl to shut up. Perhaps he felt that Diesel had established a precedent, and that he could escape prosecution by using the police as an arbiter to his paying off the girl. Whatever he was thinking, he screwed Shaq Daddy like a Planet Hollywood waitress.

   Shaq now gets to answer those "Do you still beat your wife?" questions that any answer longer than "yes" or "no" is comparable to an admission of guilt....and Yes and No don't really do you much good, either.

    Rumors are like Curses, in that they are self-powered once they are set in motion. Shaq could be castrated like a eunuch, have paperwork from 1986 to prove it...and it doesn't matter. He's the Rebounding Rapist now...the 56% Shooting Scoundrel. He's Rape Diesel.

   Two questions come to mind, and neither one is pretty.

   Imagine being raped by Shaq??? Holy Mackerel! That's a 7'1", 350 pound man, and while I have never seen a nude shot, I assume that God has been good to him. Forget the body.....Shaq could split a girl's personality. What sheer, wanton horror. I'd be starting at $10 million, and I wouldn't stop crying till he broke $25 Milly. He'd pay. Hush Money is Money Well Spent, and it is Cheap At Any Price.

   Secondlyish, Kobe could be tried at the next Rucker Tournament, and be found Guilty of Dry Snitching. Marvin Barnes would suddenly materialize, and Kobe would lose his hops. He'd slowly blanch over the next few years, when he would be indistinguishable from Jeff Hornacek.

   Fans of Cultural Elitism will notice the difference between the nouveau riche rape antics of the Kobester and the way Trouble is smoothed over in families like the Kennedys, who have been rich longer.

   Ted dumps a woman into a hahhbah, and he's still in the Senate. Some people get paid, some people get intimidated, a few small-town cops get rolled over, you bring in a serious lawyer...and it's Business As Usual down at the ol' Hyannisport Compound. They teach you this sh*t in college, Kobe.

   Shaq understands. He could have been Shaq the Ripper for all we know, but his public image was a Pepsi-quaffing, rapping giant. That all changed when the LA Times got a hold of Kobe's statement. He's now the Low Post Lecher. He owes it all to his buddy in LA....and his buddy in his pants, but that's a Whole Other Post.

  

   

Yeah...that's the guy, Officer...