Death From Above

We're thisclose to trotting out Dr. Monponsett, but the doctors thought that it might be better for everyone if we put her into a medically-induced coma until the Sox finish their series in the Bronx. Seeing as how Johnny Demon did us in last night, I have to score one for the doctors

It's been a fun summer. The Monponsetts pay very, very well.... especially seeing that all I do is cook for the family and walk the border collie. I spent, by my own conservative estimate, 420 hours sunbathing this summer.

I feel for the Colonel, who was most likely counting on spending the summer with his wife- but, as they say.... sometimes people's heads explode, and you just sort of have to adapt.

 Seeing as the Colonel's well-being sort of falls into my realm of responsibilty as the babysitter, I decided to take him to the air show at Otis this weekend. The Colonel is a military man, and I figured that this would be right up his alley.

I love air shows.... Your Tax Dollars At Work. Living near the air force base, I get to see lots of planes/copters/jets/etc flying over the Compound. Generally though, they're mostly doing the straight mission- while I'm sure that pilots occassionally do Top Gun-worthy buzzing of the tower shenanigans, I've never seen them goofing around any closer to the base than Duxbury Beach. They'd fly really low, waving out the door they usually shoot from... and, if they looked good from a distance, my friends and I would show a little leg/chest/smiling.

Hey... freedom isn't free, they're defending us, and they deserve to see a bit of teenage thigh now and then. We all have to do our part, and my babysitting money is untouched-by-the-IRS cash. I honor our troops.

Depending on how you like to view air shows, it's a good/bad idea to attend one with a military man. The Colonel knew all about every plane that showed up. "They use those to attack tanks" or "Those are interceptors" was pretty much all I heard on that sweltering day.

I  just like the power, and could care less about the job the planes perform. I get a real rush out of watching some man-made falcon come screaming down out of the skies, with that ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sound they make scaring all the children for 5 miles in any direction.

Gabrielle and Melissa were alternately terrified and excited as the show went on. Melissa is just young enough that she thinks planes are a sort of bird, and she tended to cower behind the Colonel or I whenever one got too close.... "too close" meaning "she could hear them." While she's just a kid, this is probably the proper reaction to a fighter-bomber.

Gabby was more philosophical about the planes. "What do they do?" This is tough to explain to a child, as "They kill whoever disagrees with our foreign policy" is a tough answer to drop on a kindergartner. "Those make sure that the soldiers on the ground are protected" was the best answer I saw the Colonel give. This beat my answers, which- depending on how much wine I'd consumed- went from "They've come to get pic-a-nic baskets" or "You know when we go to the gas station....?"

I was a little disappointed that the air show didn't feature any actual bombing. I'd love to see them Billy Mitchell an old battleship out in Buzzards Bay, and I have enough Showman in me to know that this would be a kick-ass finale. I suppose that would get messy in a couple of years, but still...

I tried to get pictures, but they all sucked pretty badly. You could see a black mass against the sky, and zooming in only made it UFO blurry. I also tend to blog when the Colonel is at work (or when Senator Kennedy isn't over hogging the computer), so I had no means of identifying the individual jets.

I think you'll all be OK... as long as we cover some sports before the kids want their lunch.

The Red Sox, as we mentioned, are in the Bronx for a three game series with the Yankers. We're all in full Jihad mode here at the Compound, and we're giving NY tourists the requisite Wrong directions again. "Right over that bridge, up Rte. 3, take the Hanover Mall exit." Yup, it's wrong. Nope, I don't care.

I went to NYC with the Monponsetts once, and spent most of my free time walking around the town. I was treated quite rudely, from when I took too long crossing a street to where I stopped a stranger on 42d St. to ask where the museum was... and he sent me to a peep show called "The Cook, The Thief, The Lover, And The Big Black Ex-Marine Who Ended Up Banging All Of Them." I missed it when I watched this year's Tony Awards, but maybe the judges were put off by the lengthy title.

Regardless... I view America's leading city as sort of a big sewer, and I wish nothing but misery on those who wear their colors. Eff them... this is no time for innocence, and the good die young and hard here in the Olde Towne.

Boom Chowderhead

Elle here, holding down the fort in advance of Monponsett's return.

There isn't a set recovery time when someone's head suddenly swells up because of yet another Red Sox collapse. Shucks, I guess the collapse isn't even complete yet, seeing as we still lead the AL East.

Yet... like some people who can tell when rain is coming by the pain in their bad knee... there may be those among us who can pretty much see the Yanks overtaking us in mid September, when the summer heat has gone and there can be no mistaking the onset of the Dying Season. When that happens, it's only natural that the head would swell up to watermelon-size.

At least that's what the doctors told me. They don't have/need a name for it. They even seemed reluctant to talk about it, for reasons beyond the fact that my basic raison d'etre in the Monponsett family is to walk the dog and to cook the family's meals.... which isn't as easy as it sounds, seeing as the Colonel (I don't know his actual name) is perfectly capable of polishing off an entire spiral ham or a dozen ducks eggs in a sitting. I spend a lot of time going to and from the local farmer's market, and the people there are quite used to my comings and goings.

But back to the swollen head stuff. I had a sense that the doctors knew more then they were letting on. Maybe heads are blowing up all over New England. The police write it off as murders or suicides. The local news ignores it... maybe at gunpoint. You only hear hushed whispers on the street.

How deep does the conspiracy run? Perhaps only a dogsitter has the time to tie together all the loose ends... or should I say loose shards of brain matter?

A recent scientific report (3 people surveyed) showed that 100% of all Americans put no faith at all in the findings of the Warren Commission. I mean... some whacko is able to squeeze off two perfect shots into the head of a moving target? A heavily guarded US President gunned down in the street like a mad dog? Factor in the CIA and the Mafia and the Cubans... there's just too much smoke for there to be no fire.Something happened... and it most likely is nothing at all like whatever Mr. Warren and his gang of stooges say.

Picture this.... The crazed lunatic misses JFK and hits the Texas guy. The CIA or the Mafia manage to put a bullet right into JFK's neck... and, as he begins to die of that wound, JFK- a Boston kid, remember- realizes that he won't live to see the Sox win it all. His head then explodes from the sheer horror.

I have another theory regarding Tecumseh, but I'll hold off on that one until I cook and blog for a Shawnee family. Back to the chowderhead.

Granted... a person being able to inflict enough psychic force upon themselves to cause their own head to explode is pretty hard to swallow.... but so is that Magic Bullet theory, and mine has baseball in it. Given the acceptance of Exploding Red Sox Fan Head Theory, I pretty much got this entry done AND solved the Crime of the (last) Century. Not bad for a high school girl, no?

I ran this theory by Senator Kennedy when he was by last week (he stops in now and then to use the computer), and he admitted- off the record, of course- that my theory was no less sound than the Warren stuff.

As for Dr. Monponsett.... she's back home, her head is normal sized, and we're planning her return to coincide with the start of the NFL season. We're gonna try to avoid baseball.

Hi

Just on the road a lot... be back soon!

Discarded Celtics all Star Team

Before anyone gets too happy about the Celts dealing youth for a veteran... here's the Celtics We Gave Up On All Star Team:

C- Ben Wallace... Detroit's title team anchor was ours for the asking, but Pitino didn't like him. He went on to become the NBA's best defensive center since Olajuwon.

G- Chauncey Billups.... Speaking of people Pitino didn't likem Chauncey won the Finals MVP after Rick gave up on him after 30 games or so. He was our last good point guard.

G- Joe Johnson... Given away for spare change (Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers)that got us one playoff series win or so, he's now a franchise player for Atlanta. He can play the point, too.

F- Antoine Walker... I was never that sold on him, but we have a bench guard, a ghetto troublemaker and an expiring contract to show for him.

F- Ricky Davis..... Ricky Buckets had a lousy personality, but he could guard people better than that stiff Wally can.

May as well have a bench team...

C- Tony Battie

F- Danny Fortson

F- Bruce Bowen

G- Mike James

G- Chucker Atkins

May as well have two bench teams....

C-Mark Blount

F- Tony Battie

F- Gin Baker

G- Marcus Banks

G-Eric Williams

Waiting For The Next Tsunami

 

Knowing that Danny Ainge is wheeling and dealing to save the Celtics is like watching a mongoloid play with the fuse box... something spectacular is about to happen, and it probably won't be pretty. The damage may be extensive and slow to heal, as well.

Having been robbed by the ping pong balls of the draft lottery, we can't take the easy way (Oden) out. The team sucks, and looks to suck for a while... unless Ainge can pull something off.

Unfortunately, that involves Ainge making some sort of trade. Nothing good happens when Danny picks up the phone... he even f***s up Domino's when he tries it. Unfortunately, we're the ones who have to eat the pizza he comes up with.

Here's the trade scenarios careening about them thar Internets:

A) Kevin Garnett for Jefferson, Green, Ratliff, Bassy, and the #5. There is also a secondary Jefferson/Sczerbiak(I'm from Europe, and I can't spell Wally's last name)/#5 pick one working for KG as well. Pierce for KG could work, with the right herbs and spices.

B) Pierce and the #5 to LA, Tyrus Thomas/Ben Gordon/PJ Brown to Boston, and Kobe to Chicago

C) Jefferson, the pick, and change for Shawn Marion

Now... I like KG, but Jefferson can give us 20/10 for the next dozen years. Only a fool trades that for 5 years of KG. the Chicago trade looks like 3 nickels for a quarter, and Marion is a 6'7" power forward who I wouldn't touch with your unit. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't take KG if I could get him without losing Jefferson (a descendant of Thomas?). I'd trade Pierce and change for KG like thisquick.

KG doesn't make the playoffs in the more competitive West, but he and Pierce would be a top 4 team in the East. Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Miami... and the new Celts would have a shot at any of them. Moving from the West to the East is sort of like spending US dollars in the Sudan... 1=1.5, and so forth. You become a more valuable player in the East. Lebron James and no one else at all made it to the finals this year... Pierce and KG could beat the Cavaliers, easily.

The fun guy in all this is Kobe. He recently did an interview where he shat on his coach, as well as fellow Laker Andrew Bynum. When fans asked him if he was going to stay with the Lakers, he said "Buy a Bulls jersey, boys." If Pierce, Green and the #5 could get Kobe (who most likely would use his no-trade clasue to get out of playing for the weak Celtics)... well, that probably isn't going to happen.

Ratliff's value is in his mammoth, expiring contract. Trading Bassy is addition by subtraction. Green has frightening talent, but he's a year or two away. I couldn't trade Wally fast enough. The #5 pick could be Dwayne Wade great or Samaki Walker awful. Pierce is a prime 'o' career star, and Jefferson could rule the low post until my kids graduate.

It's a difficult decision, and one I wish wasn't being made by Danny Ainge. Teams generally get better... Ainge's team has gotten steadily worse. I have liked maybe 3 of his trade/draft picks out of a dozen. He had to blow a pick last year (Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy) to get rid of the Raef contract. He's beaten this this franchise like a lazy cotton slave, and not just Stacey Franchise.

The draft is next Thursday, and God only knows what will go on between now and then. The Lord does work in many a strange and wonderful way.

 

80 degree June day... time for some Hockey Talk!

The Bruins picked up a new coach tonight... former Jersey Devil Claude Julien, who would make a nice potato. He managed to lose his job after a 43-28 season, which most likely would be an unrealistic goal for his new team.

The Bruins ditched the old coach- Dave Lewis- late Friday night, in a move they were maybe hoping everyone missed. Firing a coach is an admission of failure, and the last one they fired was as were were about to attack Iraq. You try to avoid the front page when you admit that your team has no direction.

I'm old enough to remember when hockey ruled this town, at least from October to April. Now, it's sort of worked in with the general NHL malaise... which is basically the fact that about 75% of the country views it as a sort of goofy regional thing, like skiing or Hogzilla hunting. Hockey right now is sort of what NASCAR was back in the day... something popular on one side of the Mason/Dixie line that was essentially incomprehensible on the other.

The last Stanley Cup broadcast was beaten by test patterns and C-SPAN in the ratings, prompting talk that the NHL should maybe pay ESPN or MTV to show their games. This defense-in-depth strategy is winning by losing... a nice thing to do if you're Russia, but a bad thing to do if you have to sell advertising. Lack of interest kills on TV.

The NHL is sort of like a divorced woman who is back on the scene... but a lot older now, and not nearly as cute. Suitors are rare, like a white Globetrotter. This isn't 1978, when the only thing on TV was 3 sitcoms and a old movie. Hockey really, really took the worst beating among the old guard when cable TV came about.

Hockey deserves better, and here's how I'd alter the game on a whim:

 

- Women

First... every roster should be forced to include a female goalie. Even if she only plays in blowouts and exhibition games, it gives the NHL something to act snobby about. ESPN can't ignore that... and hey, maybe one of 'em will actually end up kicking some ass at some point.

While we're in the skirts... why not cheerleaders? Hockey has two ponderous breaks between periods, which is death in a sport where scoring is rare. Instead of "let's watch that icing replay again" or "My God.. the forechecking!"... we can have Girls.

I can live with either Sleazy or Cheesy, too. A straight up dozen slut cheerleaders would work, as would a family-friendly Ice Capades show. "Who cares about the score... I see 24 cold-pert nipples."

 

- Crossover Events

While American Idol qualifying rounds are too much to ask for, maybe MMA, WWE, skateboarding, or MTV can mine some gold out of this Nevada ghost town of a sport. Why not sitcoms? "Look... House is playing goal."

 

- Take On All Comers

Every night, one audience member (maybe culled from the season tickets rolls) gets to come out onto the ice and

A) fight the hometown team's goon, on skates

B) Put on the goalie suit and try to stop an NHL player on a breakaway.

If they win (or perhaps survive a certain amount of time), they get $2500 or something. In the same vein, though not worthy of it's own letter.... they should try to work some sort of Lottery into home games. 1:9000 is better odds than you'll get at Mega Millions.

 

-Asians

Each team should also take on one Asian player, even if they suck. At worst, you make him a goalie... then send out a masked Canuck wearing For Chek's jersey. This opens up the lucrative Asian markets to the NHL, and a billion Chinese can't be wrong.

 

- Negative Equals Positive

Each team should employ several fringe players who serve no other purpose than to get arrested a lot... thus keeping the team's name in the papers. When stopping for a drink on the way home brings about the possibility of being beaten by some dude named Guy... you're that much closer to being a hockey town.

 

- Clear Helmets

While a glass fishbowl helmet would do more harm than good... it is the best visual representation of what I'm suggesting here. Maybe some Plexiglass. All Canadians look alike to me, but some people might enjoy this Look,

 

- Curved Sticks

While I was never that good at hockey myself... one of the first things everybody did in gym class on Floor Hockey day was to take the plastic stick blade and bend it until it resembled a scythe blade or something. This would bring about a jai-alai sort of high speed to our games, and usually result in someone getting hit in the pants. A curved stick in the hands of a professional might even punch through Plexiglass, thus making the prior option obsolete,

 

- Kids

Draw in local interest by letting kids decide overtime games by a 4 on 4 or something. Bruins fans will see the Mini One On One spectre that I wish to evoke.I'd love to have $5000 riding on a 5th grader... "Skate faster, you little SOB!"

 

Purists might moan a bit, but they'll be moaning a lot more if hockey goes the way of the Dodo. Implementing all my changes at once might be a daunting task... so they should try to work it all in slowly, like over 25 games or so. It'll probably take that long to train the Asians anyway.

Swole

Barry Bonds coming to your town is like a sort of regional Check Your Values session.

Barry currently has 747 nome runs... which is ironic, considering his luggage-sized head. That's less than 10 away from breaking Hammering Hank's record. He has smashed more horsehide than anyone who has ever tried our national pastime. Babe Ruth wishes he hit 747 homers... well, if he wasn't dead, of course.

A lot of people aren't falling over themselves to give Barry the respect that 747 home runs should confer. They don't like the idea that Bonds may have been on steroids while he piled those numbers up. They say that Barry enjoyed an advantage that few others had, and that the steroids essentially made it a Man vs. Boys situation. They say that his numbers are tainted somehow.

Peeps are quick to disparage Barry...but being in a hurry can make even the best look bad. Here's a quote from Napoleon, after he met a funds-seeking Robert Fulton... he of the steam engine. "You would make a ship sail against the winds and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? Excuse me, I have no time to listen to such nonsense"

Napoleon could never bash one over the Monster, though... so keep that in mind when judging him. The concept of improved performance through chemical reaction was foreign to the Little Corporal, who rarely got into anything heavier than the Courvoisier. Had steroids been around in 1805, though... you know Nap would have advocated their usage among his soldiers. He would have never said anything like "in warfare, the mental is to the physical as three is to one."  Naw... it'd be all about juicing up and killing Russians.

Of course, Napoleon lost. He was driven from power, sent into exile, and eventually had hus Unit cut off (which is true... it is currenly in the possession of a urologist, who bought it on auction for like $30,000)... which is far worse than anything steroids will do to you, kids.

Here's what I think of the whole situation. I'm sort of torn, so I'll work in list mode, as opposed to thinking out an argument and presenting it in some sort of build-to-a-climax manner. We don't have time for that kind of shi* here at the Cape Cod Times.

- Talk about Babe Ruth all you want... but I'd take "not playing against blacks or Hispanics" over "taking a drug that gives me greater power" nine times out of ten when Outrageous Advantage was being handed out. You can only respect Hammerin' Hank these days... cuz Double H never did steroids, and played against all comers.

- In all fairnes to the Babe....the best steroids money can buy will only let you hit about 40 more moners than a fat 1920s guy who never lifted anything heavier than a dozen beers.... and remember, Babe only did 154 game seasons.

- Here's a good Before/After shot of Barry... "before/After" meaning "around when Barry started doing the steroids..... (note: that pic ended up at the top... I'm barry, barry sorry.

- Killing some Koreans is one thing... but if steroids were around in 1950, I wonder if Ted Williams would have had the courage to Get Big. In this regard... and with the likelihood that they'll invent a harmless steroid some day... Barry Bonds is sort of a trailblazer... a kind of Jacked Robinson.

- You cannot deny the fact that, by taking all those steroids into his system personally, Barry Bonds kept those drugs out of the hands of children.

- Rafeal Palmiero should be more ashamed of his Viagra commercials than his steroid use. I almost swore off men after seeing that nonsense.

- Mark McGwire- who used to keep his andro right in his locker, and would talk about it freely- retired just in time to save that Brawny Papaer towel gig.

- The Yakuza will intervene before Barry threatens Sanduhara Oh's international record of like 800+

- I wondee how Mickey Mantle would have fared if he were steroid-juiced instead of regular-juiced.

- I can see a point where steroids are harmless, and players are considered effete for not using them.

- The Mendoza Line for Steroid personality.....YouTube - Ultimate Warrior is Insane

-

Just want to let you know about a book a friend of mine (Eric Mirlis) recently had published.  "Being There" is about 100 broadcasters, writers and celebrities describing the top five sporting events they have personally attended.  A lot of the men in your life would find it enjoyable and get a kick out of it.   It's a great (and inexpensive) gift idea for all sports fans for any occasion -- whether it be your father, brother, husband or a friend. Of course, don't forget Father's Day is this weekend?

 

I have included the amazon.com link...feel free to forward this e-mail to anyone who may be interested.

 

Amazon.com: Being There: 100 Sports Pros Talk About the Best Sporting Events They Ever Witnessed Firsthand: Books: Eric Mirlis

Tags: Steroids r Good