Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Barry Bonds coming to your town is like a sort of regional Check Your Values session.

Barry currently has 747 nome runs... which is ironic, considering his luggage-sized head. That's less than 10 away from breaking Hammering Hank's record. He has smashed more horsehide than anyone who has ever tried our national pastime. Babe Ruth wishes he hit 747 homers... well, if he wasn't dead, of course.

A lot of people aren't falling over themselves to give Barry the respect that 747 home runs should confer. They don't like the idea that Bonds may have been on steroids while he piled those numbers up. They say that Barry enjoyed an advantage that few others had, and that the steroids essentially made it a Man vs. Boys situation. They say that his numbers are tainted somehow.

Peeps are quick to disparage Barry...but being in a hurry can make even the best look bad. Here's a quote from Napoleon, after he met a funds-seeking Robert Fulton... he of the steam engine. "You would make a ship sail against the winds and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? Excuse me, I have no time to listen to such nonsense"

Napoleon could never bash one over the Monster, though... so keep that in mind when judging him. The concept of improved performance through chemical reaction was foreign to the Little Corporal, who rarely got into anything heavier than the Courvoisier. Had steroids been around in 1805, though... you know Nap would have advocated their usage among his soldiers. He would have never said anything like "in warfare, the mental is to the physical as three is to one."  Naw... it'd be all about juicing up and killing Russians.

Of course, Napoleon lost. He was driven from power, sent into exile, and eventually had hus Unit cut off (which is true... it is currenly in the possession of a urologist, who bought it on auction for like $30,000)... which is far worse than anything steroids will do to you, kids.

Here's what I think of the whole situation. I'm sort of torn, so I'll work in list mode, as opposed to thinking out an argument and presenting it in some sort of build-to-a-climax manner. We don't have time for that kind of shi* here at the Cape Cod Times.

- Talk about Babe Ruth all you want... but I'd take "not playing against blacks or Hispanics" over "taking a drug that gives me greater power" nine times out of ten when Outrageous Advantage was being handed out. You can only respect Hammerin' Hank these days... cuz Double H never did steroids, and played against all comers.

- In all fairnes to the Babe....the best steroids money can buy will only let you hit about 40 more moners than a fat 1920s guy who never lifted anything heavier than a dozen beers.... and remember, Babe only did 154 game seasons.

- Here's a good Before/After shot of Barry... "before/After" meaning "around when Barry started doing the steroids..... (note: that pic ended up at the top... I'm barry, barry sorry.

- Killing some Koreans is one thing... but if steroids were around in 1950, I wonder if Ted Williams would have had the courage to Get Big. In this regard... and with the likelihood that they'll invent a harmless steroid some day... Barry Bonds is sort of a trailblazer... a kind of Jacked Robinson.

- You cannot deny the fact that, by taking all those steroids into his system personally, Barry Bonds kept those drugs out of the hands of children.

- Rafeal Palmiero should be more ashamed of his Viagra commercials than his steroid use. I almost swore off men after seeing that nonsense.

- Mark McGwire- who used to keep his andro right in his locker, and would talk about it freely- retired just in time to save that Brawny Papaer towel gig.

- The Yakuza will intervene before Barry threatens Sanduhara Oh's international record of like 800+

- I wondee how Mickey Mantle would have fared if he were steroid-juiced instead of regular-juiced.

- I can see a point where steroids are harmless, and players are considered effete for not using them.

- The Mendoza Line for Steroid personality.....YouTube - Ultimate Warrior is Insane


Just want to let you know about a book a friend of mine (Eric Mirlis) recently had published.  "Being There" is about 100 broadcasters, writers and celebrities describing the top five sporting events they have personally attended.  A lot of the men in your life would find it enjoyable and get a kick out of it.   It's a great (and inexpensive) gift idea for all sports fans for any occasion -- whether it be your father, brother, husband or a friend. Of course, don't forget Father's Day is this weekend?
I have included the link...feel free to forward this e-mail to anyone who may be interested.


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cneinhorn said...

go yankees!

lurkynat said...

Great entry Smurfette!
What strong sentiments! what humor!
hugs and thanks!

chasferris said...

I loved the off-center, new look at Steroids.  I will share this perspective with my friends...and call it my own, however. Some will shake their heads and mutter, but others will think how clever I am.   Thanks