80 degree June day... time for some Hockey Talk!

The Bruins picked up a new coach tonight... former Jersey Devil Claude Julien, who would make a nice potato. He managed to lose his job after a 43-28 season, which most likely would be an unrealistic goal for his new team.

The Bruins ditched the old coach- Dave Lewis- late Friday night, in a move they were maybe hoping everyone missed. Firing a coach is an admission of failure, and the last one they fired was as were were about to attack Iraq. You try to avoid the front page when you admit that your team has no direction.

I'm old enough to remember when hockey ruled this town, at least from October to April. Now, it's sort of worked in with the general NHL malaise... which is basically the fact that about 75% of the country views it as a sort of goofy regional thing, like skiing or Hogzilla hunting. Hockey right now is sort of what NASCAR was back in the day... something popular on one side of the Mason/Dixie line that was essentially incomprehensible on the other.

The last Stanley Cup broadcast was beaten by test patterns and C-SPAN in the ratings, prompting talk that the NHL should maybe pay ESPN or MTV to show their games. This defense-in-depth strategy is winning by losing... a nice thing to do if you're Russia, but a bad thing to do if you have to sell advertising. Lack of interest kills on TV.

The NHL is sort of like a divorced woman who is back on the scene... but a lot older now, and not nearly as cute. Suitors are rare, like a white Globetrotter. This isn't 1978, when the only thing on TV was 3 sitcoms and a old movie. Hockey really, really took the worst beating among the old guard when cable TV came about.

Hockey deserves better, and here's how I'd alter the game on a whim:

 

- Women

First... every roster should be forced to include a female goalie. Even if she only plays in blowouts and exhibition games, it gives the NHL something to act snobby about. ESPN can't ignore that... and hey, maybe one of 'em will actually end up kicking some ass at some point.

While we're in the skirts... why not cheerleaders? Hockey has two ponderous breaks between periods, which is death in a sport where scoring is rare. Instead of "let's watch that icing replay again" or "My God.. the forechecking!"... we can have Girls.

I can live with either Sleazy or Cheesy, too. A straight up dozen slut cheerleaders would work, as would a family-friendly Ice Capades show. "Who cares about the score... I see 24 cold-pert nipples."

 

- Crossover Events

While American Idol qualifying rounds are too much to ask for, maybe MMA, WWE, skateboarding, or MTV can mine some gold out of this Nevada ghost town of a sport. Why not sitcoms? "Look... House is playing goal."

 

- Take On All Comers

Every night, one audience member (maybe culled from the season tickets rolls) gets to come out onto the ice and

A) fight the hometown team's goon, on skates

B) Put on the goalie suit and try to stop an NHL player on a breakaway.

If they win (or perhaps survive a certain amount of time), they get $2500 or something. In the same vein, though not worthy of it's own letter.... they should try to work some sort of Lottery into home games. 1:9000 is better odds than you'll get at Mega Millions.

 

-Asians

Each team should also take on one Asian player, even if they suck. At worst, you make him a goalie... then send out a masked Canuck wearing For Chek's jersey. This opens up the lucrative Asian markets to the NHL, and a billion Chinese can't be wrong.

 

- Negative Equals Positive

Each team should employ several fringe players who serve no other purpose than to get arrested a lot... thus keeping the team's name in the papers. When stopping for a drink on the way home brings about the possibility of being beaten by some dude named Guy... you're that much closer to being a hockey town.

 

- Clear Helmets

While a glass fishbowl helmet would do more harm than good... it is the best visual representation of what I'm suggesting here. Maybe some Plexiglass. All Canadians look alike to me, but some people might enjoy this Look,

 

- Curved Sticks

While I was never that good at hockey myself... one of the first things everybody did in gym class on Floor Hockey day was to take the plastic stick blade and bend it until it resembled a scythe blade or something. This would bring about a jai-alai sort of high speed to our games, and usually result in someone getting hit in the pants. A curved stick in the hands of a professional might even punch through Plexiglass, thus making the prior option obsolete,

 

- Kids

Draw in local interest by letting kids decide overtime games by a 4 on 4 or something. Bruins fans will see the Mini One On One spectre that I wish to evoke.I'd love to have $5000 riding on a 5th grader... "Skate faster, you little SOB!"

 

Purists might moan a bit, but they'll be moaning a lot more if hockey goes the way of the Dodo. Implementing all my changes at once might be a daunting task... so they should try to work it all in slowly, like over 25 games or so. It'll probably take that long to train the Asians anyway.