Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Boom Chowderhead

Elle here, holding down the fort in advance of Monponsett's return.

There isn't a set recovery time when someone's head suddenly swells up because of yet another Red Sox collapse. Shucks, I guess the collapse isn't even complete yet, seeing as we still lead the AL East.

Yet... like some people who can tell when rain is coming by the pain in their bad knee... there may be those among us who can pretty much see the Yanks overtaking us in mid September, when the summer heat has gone and there can be no mistaking the onset of the Dying Season. When that happens, it's only natural that the head would swell up to watermelon-size.

At least that's what the doctors told me. They don't have/need a name for it. They even seemed reluctant to talk about it, for reasons beyond the fact that my basic raison d'etre in the Monponsett family is to walk the dog and to cook the family's meals.... which isn't as easy as it sounds, seeing as the Colonel (I don't know his actual name) is perfectly capable of polishing off an entire spiral ham or a dozen ducks eggs in a sitting. I spend a lot of time going to and from the local farmer's market, and the people there are quite used to my comings and goings.

But back to the swollen head stuff. I had a sense that the doctors knew more then they were letting on. Maybe heads are blowing up all over New England. The police write it off as murders or suicides. The local news ignores it... maybe at gunpoint. You only hear hushed whispers on the street.

How deep does the conspiracy run? Perhaps only a dogsitter has the time to tie together all the loose ends... or should I say loose shards of brain matter?

A recent scientific report (3 people surveyed) showed that 100% of all Americans put no faith at all in the findings of the Warren Commission. I mean... some whacko is able to squeeze off two perfect shots into the head of a moving target? A heavily guarded US President gunned down in the street like a mad dog? Factor in the CIA and the Mafia and the Cubans... there's just too much smoke for there to be no fire.Something happened... and it most likely is nothing at all like whatever Mr. Warren and his gang of stooges say.

Picture this.... The crazed lunatic misses JFK and hits the Texas guy. The CIA or the Mafia manage to put a bullet right into JFK's neck... and, as he begins to die of that wound, JFK- a Boston kid, remember- realizes that he won't live to see the Sox win it all. His head then explodes from the sheer horror.

I have another theory regarding Tecumseh, but I'll hold off on that one until I cook and blog for a Shawnee family. Back to the chowderhead.

Granted... a person being able to inflict enough psychic force upon themselves to cause their own head to explode is pretty hard to swallow.... but so is that Magic Bullet theory, and mine has baseball in it. Given the acceptance of Exploding Red Sox Fan Head Theory, I pretty much got this entry done AND solved the Crime of the (last) Century. Not bad for a high school girl, no?

I ran this theory by Senator Kennedy when he was by last week (he stops in now and then to use the computer), and he admitted- off the record, of course- that my theory was no less sound than the Warren stuff.

As for Dr. Monponsett.... she's back home, her head is normal sized, and we're planning her return to coincide with the start of the NFL season. We're gonna try to avoid baseball.

1 comment:

clat1 said...

tell her to join this contest