Cleveland vs. San Antonio

 

I'm still sort of basketball focused since that rabbit-punch of a draft last month. Ten years may pass before I recover from that, and there's a chance that it haunts me like that Buckner thing. The gem of the draft 10 years ago- San Antonio meal ticket Tim Duncan- was stolen from us then, just as Greg Oden was stolen from us last month.

Mr. Duncan heads into the NBA finals as the odds-on favorite to score yet another championship. Although it is true that The Cape Cod Times does not condone, facilitate or advocate betting of any kind, I'd wager that Cleveland is outed in 5 games. I'd look for them to get smoked in the first game in San Antonio, lose a close one in game 2, lose again in game 3, stave off a loss in game 4, then finally succumb in game 5.

All that goes out the window if Duncan or LeBron James suffer injuries. While neither man is a One Man Gang on his team, each of them is indeed the Straw That Stirs The Drink.

I make this prediction becawz:

- San Antonio employs a man who was just featured in this very column recently... the dirtiest player in the game, as they say... Mr. Bruce Bowen.

Bowen is a good bet to kick LBJ in the ankle at some point, slowing him to the degree that he can't go all Jordan on them. That's what he does... that's all he does.

He'd make a superb Ken Linseman-type hockey player, but the black man has not yet chosen to dominate that sport.

- Cleveland's interior defense will be the Easy Whore to Tim Duncan's sailor-on-leave. If he's shooting 60%, Cleveland is toast.

- The possibility of some sort of border incident involving Manu Ginobili is quite low.

- After LeBron, the best optionon Cleveland is an almost preternaturally stiff 7'3" Lithuanian guy who I think is old enough to have been in the Red Army in some sort of junior officer capacity. I don't 100% trust the guy, and neither should LeBron.

- After getting blown out in the first game, LeBron can go out into the streets of San Antonio and stomp Mexicans.

- Cleveland has a guy- Anderson Varajeo- who looks like someone bred sideshow Bob to Carlito Caribbean Cool, and then stretched him on the rack for 17 years. He may have the worst hair in any professional sport.

- They also have the second worst hair in any professional sport sitting on the back of Drew Gooden's neck. It can only be described as a Neckstache.

Final Finals Showdown: Gooden's Neckstache vs. Manu's Bald Spot - Sports Blog - The FanHouse

In life, one takes beatings as they climb to the top. Defeat builds character. It doesn't make losing any easier to swallow, but it provides Motivation and is cause for Introspection. Both of those are necessary to becoming a champion.

LeBron is a helluva player, but he isn't Jordan yet. Only Jordan could beat the Spurs with a Baltic geek, a dreadlocked white Brazilian (as opposed to a Pele-type black Brazilian), and someone with a Neckstache.

 

Game, Set, Match.