Hola, Gringo!

   The Pats are now at 2-1, with a dangerous game against the former Bungles coming up. It's quite possible that we'll be at .500 a quarter of the way through the season.

   This sucks, but it's tolerable. We still have 2 against an awful-looking Miami team, plus a Jets and Bills game. We can go .500 outside of our division, and quite possibly coast into the playoffs with minimal good luck required.

   New England is a good team in a bad stretch. At the moment, there isn't a serious WR on the team. We have maybe one good cornerback. Three of our linebackers add up to about 100 years old... and the fourth- Rosie Colvin- is the one with the bad hip.

   Our new kicker worries me. I played too much soccer in my day, and one comes to recognize that every human being kicks the ball their own way. If you aren't into soccer, think of it like how every NBA guy has his own particular jump shot, or how each golfer putts differently. Stevie G. kicks a low ball. He's had 2 stuffed already, and he's only played 4 games.

   Other than that, things aren't so bad. We have the franchise QB, which cures a lot of what ails ye. We have not one but two fine running backs. We have one of the top defensive lines in football, and the oldest one of them is 26. Even if we take a shellacking this weekend- and I think we will- it's just the dark before the dawn.

   This may even be a fattening of young Mr. Carson Palmer, a scenario where Belly Check lets a team empty both barrels into us while we play possum. It pays dividends in the playoffs, where we will almost certainly see the Bungles again. Belly Check is a savant, and savants do stuff like that.

   The Bangles are just getting used to elite status... and the scenario I painted sounds like just the sort of lumps a pretty boy like Palmer has to take in order to become a true leader. He'll thank us for it some day.

   The team has flaws that have to be addressed before that time comes, though... and this game will be anillustration of that fact. Cincy will be steady long-balling us like Tommy Lee, and- unless Chad Johnson suddenly becomes only the second best Chad catching balls that day- we won't have the horses to answer them.

Cincy, 31-21

 

Arizona at Atlanta

   Kurt Warner was even fumbling his words at the post game press conference. Only Peter Pan movies need Captain Hook more than Arizona does.

Atlanta, 24-10

 

Dallas at Tennessee-

    Parents of teens know that Vince Young is the BMW, the Titans are the teenage daughter, and the Titan fans rooting for Vince to guide that god-awful team are the date that wants her to get them to let him drive the BMW when they go out. Letting a teen drive your daughter around in a nice car is- ironically- like what they say about passing a football... 3 things can happen, and 2 of them are bad.

   If Dallas loses this game, there may be a few more people eating entire bottles of painkillers. I see T.O. going for 8 catches, 120 yards, and 2 TDs. I also see him being dead before 40, but that doesn't jump into this point spread.

Dallas, 17-12

 

Indianapolis at NY Jets-

   It's Mr. October Time! Watch Peyton Manning pad his stats in a meaningless game on a warm sunny day. It makes it that much more enjoyable when a 300 pounder slams him into the frozen muck in a playoff game.

Indy, 41-17

 

Miami at Houston-

   After this game, Texans coach Gary Kubiak will be so upset that he'll go out in the street and slap Mexicans.

Miami, 21-20

 

Minnesota at Buffalo-

   It's sad that the teams from the two snowiest climates play in October... although it's funny that the Dolphins have to leave Miami in the middle of December and play under 30 feet of snow in Buffalo.

Minnesota, 21-12

 

New Orleans at Carolina-

   We all enjoyed the 3-0 start and the spectacle at the Superdome last Monday. Short of a playoff run, the Saints now serve no purpose.

Carolina, 31-14

 

San Diego at Baltimore-

   I'd rather be a cute boy at a Horatio Alger festival than Phillip Rivers with that insane Ravens defense chasing him around all day. If he's the real thing, he takes this game.

San Diego, 17-16

 

San Francisco at Kansas City-

   I keep waiting for Herman Edwards to miss a game because he thought it was Saturday or something.

KC, 12-9

 

Detroit at St. Louis-

   If Matt Millen has his job after this season, he must have pictures of the owner sodomizing a Cub Scout.

St. Louis, 31-7

 

Cleveland at Oakland-

   Somebody HAS to win... unless they tie. I'm not sure if it's possible for a team to score only one point in football... but if it can  happen, this might be the game where we see it.

Cleveland, 1-0

 

Jacksonville at Washington-

   You get the sense that it simply isn't going to be Washington's year. Best quote I saw this year, about slow-footed/dark-skinned Jacksonville QB Byron Leftwich... "I'm not a slow quarterback. I'm just the slowest black quarterback."

Jacksonville, 24-6

 

Seattle vs Chicago-

   Like we were discussing before... three things can happen when you pass the ball, and two of them (incompletions and interceptions) are bad. With delicate Chicago QB Rex Grossman, you can add "Rex Grossman gets injured" to that mix. If someone gives me 5:1, I'll wager $100 that this is the week he gets injured.

Seattle, 10-9