Only In The Bean

Only in Boston can you be killed this way:

 

- Shot for throwing a snowball

The Boston Massacre was set off by a bunch of kids taunting some British soldiers. It all started with a child taunting a Brit soldier about an unpaid bill. The soldiers called the boy over, and then clubbed him in the head with a rifle butt..

This pissed off his friends, who then started throwing some snowballs. A crowd gathered, and the snowballs became mixed with litter and fireplace logs. Many in the crowd were the menacing sailors and dockworkers who worked the harbor.

A log hit a British soldier, who discharged his weapon. The rest of his platoon also opened fire, killing 5. Three of them were longshoreman types who had pushed to the front of the crowd- including sailor Crispus Attucks, the black dude you read about when this is discussed.

It upset a lot of people who were already pretty upset with the English. Ever wonder why the Declaration of Independence and Bill Of Rights never freed the blacks or gave women the vote, but made sure that troops won't be quartered in your house? This is why.

Nothing like it was seen until the National Guard went hippy-hunting in Ohio in 1970 or so. My parents were dead before I could vote, but they made sure that I knew to "go the other way when men with rifles suddenly appear" before they went to that other level.

 

- The Great Boston Molasses Tragedy

Yes, this actually happened. 2 million gallons of molasses were in a tank that collapsed. The tank exploded, sending a 15 foot high wave of molasses oozing down the street. Once it got you, there was nothing you could do about it- you were stuck. it was powerful enough to flatten buildings and elevated subways.

Also... you know that expression "Slow as molasses?" False. This stuff was moving at 35mph. The fastest human sprinter goes about 22mph. Molasses could give Jesse Owens a head start, and still trap him like a fly in amber during Jurassic Park. It took 6 months to clean up, it made the harbor brown, and you can still smell molasses there on hot days.

This is right up there in "Ways I Hope I Don't Die."

 

- Jump off the Tobin

www.skypic.com

We almost had a jumper off of the Sagamore Bridge (pictured above, one of only two ways to get a car off Cape Cod. The Tobin is higher and uglier).

The most famous leaper was Charles Stuart, who killed his own pregnant wife. He blamed it on black teenagers, leading to every black guy in town getting yanked out of his car and searched at gunpoint for a few days. Once they figured out that Stew himself did it, he pulled over on the Tobin bridge and took the Big Jump.

Hitting water at 150 mph is going to do terrible things to your body. You really can't blunt the effect by assuming Olympic diver-type postures. I'd say that those cliff divers you see are right about at the highest you can successfully jump into from. Even if you do live, you'll be busted up... and will probably drown.

Suicide is the territory of life's losers, and there's always a chance that a loser will plan their suicide poorly. The bridge jump is an exception- it's sad to see someone who chooses a death try that has a backup plan, as it makes you think about what they might have accomplished if they had stuck it out.

 

- Shot in eye with rubber bullet during Red Sox victory parade (Ooops.... that should have been "Only in Boston in 2004  can you be killed this way)

Again... when the men in riot gear are at the north end of the street, head for the south end.

 

Weekend Assignment #119: Boston!