Better Living Through Chemistry

   I've long been a proponent of the belief that one isn't really  sick until a doctor tells them so. With that in mind, I've been trying to work through some personal problems here on El Cape.

   Doctors are valued too highly by our society anywho. You feel sick, you go to the doctor, and what do they tell you? They tell you that you're sick! Then they take a bunch of your money, either right out of your hand or a little at a time through health insurance benefits. It's a bunch of nonsense, and the last thing I feel like doing is putting on one of those silly shirts and sitting on a table that someone with Butt Herpes was just sitting on one appointment before me.

   Sure, Butt Herpes is sort of rare... I have that rare kind of luck. But I digress...

   The only reason you should go to the doctor is if you lack the connections needed to secure proper madicinal supplies. The Smurf does not have that problem, as we always keep an ear to the street here at High Above Courtside.

   There's the matter of being half-comatose during the day, when the problem of dealing with officialdom, kids, errands, chores and whatever else comes up, umm, comes up. Poppa didn't raise no punks, so I'm steeled to suffer in silence until someone else is around should a task that requires driving suddenly materialize.

   A lot of my heroes are athletes, and I believe in playing through pain. Sure, I hurt a lot.... but my work brings joy to the otherwise dreary and mundane lives of my readership. A lot of people would beat their kids and cheat on their wives without the restoration of balance that my humor brings to them.

   So... down the hatch with a few Smile Pills, and let's get into tonight's topic:

Greatest Combinations Of Drugs And Sports:

 

<FONTFACE="COMIC color="#ffffff" MS? Sans>

- Getting Big

   Mark McGwire always swung a mean bat, and he does look like the friggin' Brawny Paper Towel Guy, who is modeled on ol' New Englander Paul Bunyan. He's never been an infield hit kind of guy, out there stealing 54 bases a year.

   Still, when a guy who normally hits 40 suddenly jumps up to 70... squirrel, please!

   I know what you're thinking.... This should be Barry Bonds and only Barry Bonds leading off this lineup. I'm keeping Barry out of it for now, so as to debut him as an undisputed #1 when he breaks Hank Aaron's record.

 

- Tour De Lance

   I don't know much about bicycle races or blood doping, but most people who lose a testicle don't continue to dominate endurance sports without running for the shelter of their Mother's Little Helper.

   While it isn't relevant, I'd bet that most people who suffer serious Nut Injuries while riding a bicycle do it by suddenly stopping and falling forward onto that stabilization bar. Either way, Lance gets spot #2.

 

- L.S.Doc

   In 1970 or so, Doc Ellis thought that he had a day off. He decided to celebrate by taking a fat hit of that 1970s LSD, the MK-Ultra kind that produced Pink Floyd music.

   Most people (Bonds, McGwire) who take drugs for Sport do so for the benefits that the drug provide to their game. Even the silliest hippy would advise someone against taking LSD beforepitching a major league game.

   As you've probably already guessed, Doc was indeed slated to pitch that day. The shocker is that he went out and threw a no-hitter. "The ball looked like a beach ball at times," admitted Ellis.

   God favors drunks and small children, the Irish proverb sayeth.... but He must have a special spot in his heart for guys who gobble some acid before taking the mound.

   Stephen knows a kid from Duxbury who had a similar experience when an injury suddenly put him into the goal for a varsity hockey game. He got shelled like Afghanistan.

 

- Going For The 1000 Pound Discount

   Nate Newton is one of my favorite humans, and he's EXACTLY the deep-voiced black that SBL needs out there with Jamie, CT, and Erin. Nate is also the largest black person I'd use the expression "gotta call a spade a spade" about, and a great part of that is my belief that he can't find me.

   While there isn't a book out called "What NOT to do while awaiting trial for smuggling 400 pounds of marijuana," you can rest assured that one of the first chapters would be called "Don't get arrested AGAIN with 400 pounds of marijuana."

   Nate never read that book, which hurt his market value to the point where that Sports Bloggers Live idea isn't as far-fetched as you might think it is.

 

- The Damn Game Is Too Long

   Steve Howe and Marvin Barnes both hold a special spot on this list. They got high DURING the game. Howe at least had the decency to duck into the back of the dugout. Barnes simply wrapped his head in a toweland got snuffed right on the bench in the Boston Garden.

   Kids, even a long game in either sport isn't going to stretch past 4 hours or so. If you can't wait 4 hours for a line, it's time for a lil' rehab.

   I don't know what Howe is doing these days, but Barnes seems to have straightened himself out. He works for the Rebound Foundation in Providence, which you can link to on the right side of this here page.

 

- Take That

   Joe Theismann went to Notre Dame, lived in DC, did Just Say No commercials, and probably saw himself as a viable Senate candidate upon his retirement. God is supposed to love people like him.

   LT was some North Carolina dummy who smoked crack like Steve Howe going to Dwight Gooden's birthday party. God is supposed to punish people like him.

   Guess what happened when A met B? JT's leg was the only crack LT was near that season that he didn't put a Bic onto. The part about LT being the best linebacker ever makes it just that much more funny.

   Viewed in that context, kids learned that they should Just Say Yo.