Natick Representnnn'

  

   As far as New England legends go, the qualifications can be met by only a few. Paul Bunyan, MLK, John Adams, Bill Russell, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Bobby Orr, Larry, Yaz, Lizzie Borden, the Minutemen, Aerosmith, Frederick Douglass, Cheers, Captain Ahab, Thoreau, Red, Malcolm X, Paul Revere, the Pilgrims,, Bunker Hill's defenders, Whitey Bulger, Detective Spens(c?)er for hire, Rocky Marciano, the Salem Witches, Van Morrison, Killer Kowalksi, and Dead Ted with the Cryogenically Preserved Head all trod ground here....and the B List isn't much worse, with a pile of ex-Presidents, HOFers, Ally McBeal, Samuel Adams, and innumerable historic figures.

   Several times a year, we stop everything and have national holidays for some of the more illustrious New England residents. The whole Pilgrim/Thanksgiving thing is from Plymouth County (chief guest Massasoit had a residence in Monponsett, and probably went to Plymouth from here). MLK was a BU grad. The big name on that 4th of July document that Nicholas Cage stole was a Chowderhead named John Hancock- if you examine the Declaration, the cowardly Thomas Jefferson actually signed it, "Hugh G. Rection"

   But I digress. The point that I'm pounding into your skulls is that true New England Legends hang out in a pretty exclusive club.

   A guy who can definitely walk past security into that club is Doug Flutie. He of the Heisman trophy, the Miami Hail Mary, the twenty year career, the Flutie Flakes. Doug is a Natick kid, and he was the Toast of Both Coasts before he was out of college.

   Standing maybe 5'9", Flutie was this scrambling fool that could think on the fly better than anyone I have seen in any profession, Mr. Brady included. A natural underdog, he appealed to the fans- most of whom are more Flutie-sized when compared to the 300 pounders chasing him.

   I was way too young when he was doing his thing here to even try a technical analysis of his style at BC. He always seemed to be running in a panic, but he'd get out of it most of the time. College ball of any kind in Boston has never been a Nebraska-style scene where the coach can run for governor,but the Eagles were the talk of the town when Doug was at the helm.

   I like Flutie signing with the Patriots for several reasons, not all of which are based in logic:  

- Even if Belichick is just signing him so he can retire in his hometown, it is a class move not expected from the man who cut loyal soldier Troy Brown.

- Short (yuk yuk) risk. He's the #3 QB. Several people have to be injured before we see him starting a game...unless Belly protects Brady and whips out the Skin Flutie for the regular season finale in Foxboro.

- Few backup QBs short of Joe Montana can provide the sounding board Flutie can during sideline Brady huddles. He's seen it all, and he was world famous when Brady was still fouling the Pampers.

- He'd be a good knuckleball to throw at a tough D in a blowout loss. He'd also be a threat on PAT/FG attempts, as a holder. Even as he nears 50, only that Ron Mexico kid can rival his on-field creativity.

- He's what the Italians call una scossa nelle natiche, "a kick in the ass," to the splendidly-monikered Rohan Davey The #2 QB- who played so well at Barcelona or wherever that NFL Europe could probably sue him for child support, as he had his way with just about everybody Over There- came into camp last year and impressed no one. Now, he'll have to practice so well that- if Brady gets hurt- Belichick wants to put him in despite of the publicclamor for the local hero.

- Should the Pats re-sign Ty Law, Flutie's CFL experience will come in handy when smuggling drugs across the Canadian border.

- He was throwing against New England blizzards when Matt Hasslebach(?) was throwing up Gerbers.

- We need 3 QBs, and unless USC was playing the wrong QB last year, Flutie is the best we have for the #3....and quite possibly the #2.

- If there's a strike, Flutie will already know all the plays when he crosses the picket line.

- The two greatest QBs in Massachusetts history will confer on the sidelines a lot.

- Adam V has someone on the team old enough to be impressed that he brought down Herschel Walker solo on a kickoff return.

- The Patriots only have three QB jerseys, and one of them was shrunk by an incompetent laundress.

- We could have signed Bledsoe. Poor Dallas- they could have spent $500 and just put a statue back there with no lessening of team QB mobility.

- The most famous athlete from Duxbury is former NBA benchwarmer Bill Curley. #2 is crack-smoking former Bruin Kevin Stephens, who used to rent my sister's beach house. #3 may very well be me, unless Juliana Hatfield plays a sport I'm unaware of. Unless you count Wampanoag warriors, Monponsett has no famous athletes.

- Flutie has a rock band, which lost a battle of the bands to The Losers- former BU grad Howard Stern's band, which featured a farter. I forget the details, but Flutie's band did a passable "Mustang Sally."

- Some of you may know that I'm not a long, tall Stacey. I look as silly in the average crowd as Flutie does in huddles. While Doug is a lot taller than 5'1", he still strikes a chord in me.

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