Silly Olympic Sports

Here come the Summer Olympics. I always get a kick out of them. Athletics are truly a common language, and fewer things are more enjoyable than seeing simple people on a world-wide stage. Heroics, team play, brotherhood, pride, grace, courage, skill, power, agility- you can have it all here, in big slices. 

These Olympics will bear watching. Tensions are high across the whole world. Sadly, there could be a terrorist attack. There could also be things you'd like to see, too. Someone could set a record. Something inspiring could happen. You also may see some snobby European guy break his leg.

One thing that I like about the Olympics is when they trot out some of those truly bizarre sports that you just don't see anywhere else. Some of my favorites:

 

Rhythmic Gymnastics-

I love this sport. I'll confess right up front, I have no idea WTF they are doing. As near as I can tell, they sort of slink around and throw a ball, ribbon, or rope all over themselves. It is almost preternaturally graceful, and possesses an elegance I'm sure I'd appreciate if I knew just WTF they were doing.

I'm probably understanding 35% of what happens when I watch it, sort of like when I watch soap operas on Telemundo- sure, I don't know things like the plot or the language they speak, but when you see Maria making that face, you know the fur is gonna fly.

RG combines all the wrong aspects of Gymnastics, Ballet, BDSM, Contortionism and Mat Wrestling into a visual package that checks in right between Freak Show and Heaven itself in Viewership Appeal. I think you have to be Slavic to do it, or maybe they just recruit from the BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDES offered so frequently in my email spam. 

 

Wheelchair Rugby-

You might think I'm about to make fun of this sport, but nooooooo.

These are some Bad Larrys. A wheelchair rugger is a guy who lost use of his legs, then went out and found the most violent sport he could play with his arms alone. Even regular rugby is weaker than this. Rugby players with legs play on grass. These boys/girls play on hardwood. I imagine many a hand is crushed between wheelchairs as the ball is chased- no small feat when you are already down 2 limbs. I wouldn't cross one of these dudes anywhere without a retreat route that goes up a 75 degree incline.

While looking for pictures of this sport, I noticed that most of the dudes who play this sport are some pretty burly fothermuckers, and I'm sure they pretty much floor the needle on the Ballsyometer.

 

Modern Pentathalon

First...notice how I set up the pictures so that the runners look like they are running from the shooter. If that alone were a sport, they could charge $50000000 a commercial.

For those of you that don't know, the Modern Pentathalon is a combo platter of Shooting, Fencing, Swimming, Riding, and Cross-country running. Whoever wins is the world's best Napoleonic soldier, and if you cross him/her, there will be nowhere to run, swim, ride, or hide- the Pentathlete will get you.

Many Olympic games are sort of Militaristic. Wrestling, archery, shooting, bi-athletes(snicker), horses- all were basically a means of preparing youth for battle. Had our forefathers merely settled things by Wheelchair Basketball, all that Arms Race money could have been spent on more useful pursuits.

 

Judo/Taekwando-

   

For most of us, the only chance we get to see someone get mailiciously ucked fup is with Boxing, WWE, or Springer. The Olympics bring us ass-kicking in its' oldest, noblest forms. Judo was being practiced long before Christ, and Taekwondo is more effective than Christianity or Buddhism when someone is trying to forget that Thou Shalt Not Kill stuff.

I saw a French girl get kicked so hard by some Korean that she lifted into the air, arms by her sides, and spun twice before hitting the ground. She got right up...a few minutes later. Even Ike Turner wanted the fight stopped.

So, skip a few of the 162 baseball games your team plays this summer. Choose a night when the #4 starter is pitching, and go watch someone get kicked in the groin, trampled by a horse, or- better yet- watch some Estonian girl pull her leg behind her head and balance a ball on her nose. You'll thank me later.

BTW, that's not her her arm down there...