Sunday, May 23, 2004

Nate Newton

    Maybe we can get Nate Newton on work release.

    Mr. Newton may have been the coolest man ever. Forgiving his love of the hippy lettuce and his poor business skills, NN was one of a kind. I'm sure he's running whatever jail he's in.

    There's a great Newton story that I hope someone can tag in on here. Nate went to Florida A+M with someone who became fairly prominent on TV- I want to say Deborah Norville, but she didn't go to Florida A+M. Anyway, someone asked the celebrity about going to school with Nate Newton.

    Upon hearing his name, she immediately looked for somewhere to hide. When convinced NN wasn't around, she spoke of her time marticulating with Sir Issac Newton.

    Nate used to walk around campus in the same outfit every day. Black shorts, black golf shirt, black socks, and black shoes- no doubt tight-fitting on his 330 pound body. He was memorable for things outside of sport. One was shutting down parties he wasn't invited to. He'd just walk in, unplug the stereo, and throw everyone out- of a house that wasn't his. I presume he then ate any stragglers.

    His other stage was the cafeteria. Nate used to walk in, get a plate of food that you could build a ski lodge on, and sit by the one door out of the place. Once Nate was seated, no one would dare pass him to exit the place. If they did, they would become the focus of his attention, usually to their dismay.

    Nate wasn't particularly opposed to pulling a few screaming teen girls into his lap, or pimp-slapping some poor kid who was trying to make his 1 PM Calculus class. Few students were brazen enough to attempt the one option- a frontal-assault sprint for the door, timed to begin as NN hunched over his food, hopefully distracted enough to provide that half-second window of opportunity by which to gain egress.

    Some actually made it through the doors. Many more were shoulder blocked over tables full of leftover taco, pizza and tater tots. The force ratio of these hits were the equivalent of being hit by a F-150 at 35mph. The more clear-minded students simply stayed where they were until Nate finished his Aspen-sized lunch.

    Class schedules were altered to avoid Nate's feeding times, although many professors were also trapped by Mr. Newton's powerful personality- a sort of Maginot Line in a cafeteria. As a star athlete, he had no consequence to fear from the school he was filling stadiums for.

    Nate then went on to the glorious pro career, and was almost hooked up at ESPN Radio when he tried to get a bit of the chronic for medicinal use....twice. Nothing like getting busted with 213 pounds when you already were out on bail for being arrested with 175 pounds. That's half a million if he wholesales it, and about 900K if the weed is superb....or so I'm told.

    Generally, 40 year old smugglers aren't the guys you want showing Vin Wilfork around Florida on road trips. Still, there would be many intangible benefits to working out a deal with the Texican prison system to secure the release of Nathaniel(named for Civil War cavalry leader Nathaniel Bedford Forrest) Newton:

- police would be drawn to him, taking attention away from Ty Law.

- marijuana prices would drop, resulting in a healthier New England economy, especially in the important Hep demographic.

- if Nate had been eating lunch in Foxboro, there is no way ARod would have gone from Boston to New York.

- Nate would provide a ballast effect on airplanes shared with offensive coordinator Charlie Weis. In order to keep the plane level, there must be an equal distribution of weight. If this wasn't done, the plane would tip sideways once it got over 2000 feet.

    Last year, Patriot Airlines would offset Weis' immense weight by filling a seat(usually occupied by defensive tackle Ted "Mount" Washington) on the opposite aisle from him with a six foot brick of depleted uranium. Rookie cornerback Asante Samuel actually tested positive for radioactivity after the flight home from the Falcons game, although his health was restored by massive and repeated dosages of potassium chloride.

- Where would a wealthy man live if he worked in eastern Massachusetts? I can think of no better place then the lovely town of (Nate) Newton, Massachusetts. They'd love him there- a long-lost Son of a different mother.

- He can get the Kind.


High Above Courtside...

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