Facials

I missed the Daytona, although Gabby and Melissa enjoyed the Aquarium.

 The dunk contest was one in a million, though. I enjoyed it totally, as did the worn-out Gabby and Lissa (who conked out on the couch halfway thru).

Now... I realize that two articles in one weekend about guys jumping up and down may be a lot to ask of my readers, but this was a whole bunch of fun.

Famous dunks of the past include Dr. J taking off from the free throw line (a 12 foot running long  jump that requires one to be 10 feet in the air at the 12 foot mark, playground legend Helicopter grabbing  a quarter off the top of the backboard, Shaq or Daryl Dawkins breaking the backboard, Vince Carter leaping and dunking over a 6'10" French player, a nameless man from the 1990s CBA doing a catwheel off two basketballs while dunking both... and my personal favorite- a guy jumping over a car to dunk.

This year, we saw:

- Dwight Howard- who has the best body in the NBA, and maybe all of professional sports (sorry... I'm a girl)- threw the ball off the backboard, jumped up, caught it, and dunked it from behind the backboard...while smiling through the glass at the camera.

- Gerald Green (a former Celtic,and last year's winner) had a teammate place a birthday cupcake on the rim...and light the candle. Green then jumped into the air, caught a pass from a teammate, blew out the candle, and did a sick dunk.

- Jamario Moon- a former Harlem Globetrotter- was actually boring with his switching-the-ball-from-left-to-right-in-midair windmill.

- Rudy Gay- who took the innovative step of asking YouTube visitors (YouTube - Rudy Gay's Slam Dunk Promotion) to suggest and upload film of dunks for him... he came in last.

That was just round one.

Round two saw the former Globetrotter (Moon) try to break the Dr. J/Jordan distance record (dunking from about 6 inches within the free throw line), with the added twist of  catching a pass from a teammate. The distance proved to be too much, though... and his second try came from the more Jordanesque just-inside-the-free-throw-line distance.

Gerald Green had some poor soul sit on top of a ladder and hand him the ball in mid-air for a windmill.

Dwight Howard then replicated the Moon dunk... but, before doing so, he pulled off his jersey to reveal a Superman shirt...then a cheerleader came out and put a big red cape on him... and Howard- who is 6'11"- absolutely crushed the dunk. As impressive as the cupcake dunk was... this one won the contest.

Judge for yourself...

YouTube - 2008 NBA Slam Dunk Contest Part 01

YouTube - 2008 NBA Slam Dunk Contest Part 02

The winner was Dwight Howard, and his eff-me-now-please shoulders.

Montezuma's Revenge?

 

A friend of this page has some useful information about the Pat's loss in the Super Bowl.

 

It might seem wild, but it isn't. Duke once lost a title game, partially due to their best player suffering from diarrhea(?). When they played the same team the following season, they beat them.

 

Did the Patriots literally shit the bed in the Super Bowl?

 

They were listless, a step behind the play, easily overpowered, and faded as the game progressed. The best offense in NFL history only got 14 points on a team they had surged past 30 points against about a month earlier.

 

The previous game was a high scoring affair. This one was a sloppy trench war. The Patriots won the shootout...the Giants won the slugout.

 

My big scoop leads to several uncomfortable questions:

 

- Was the Super Bowl decided by one team getting sick all at once?

 

- How much do you really think it would cost to bribe a sickly hotel chef to maybe cough into the Patriot's food?

 

- Were the Patriots perhaps drugged?

 

- If we can prove that they were drugged (and that a Giant person was behind it), what should the NFL do? Forfeit the game? Take away the Giant's first round pick?

 

- Will the Super Bowl ever be played in Arizona again? If so, will players bring their own food and water?

 

- With bookmakers taking historic beatings after this game, will the Mafia murder someone prominent?

 

Anyhow... here's the letter I got, shortly after the Super Bowl. Itmay also be the first Mexican hotelier/housewife-driven scoop in sportswriting history.

 

The "brawl" that Gerri refers to was between NB columnists Stacey and Elle....

 

 

 

I don't know what to make of this brawl, but I rushed over here to tell the sports person or people who write this blog that I have some inside scoop as to why the Patriots lost.  You know I live in Arizona, right?  My sister's boyfriend who is a Mexican with a green card (very important now days) who just got recertified after months of delay works in a big hotel north of the stadium.  The Patriots had been housed over in Scotsdale but moved themselves over to this hotel because it was closer to the stadium, I don't know how many days before.  Many of them came down with the runs, even accused the cook of putting something in their food!  Meaning they were thinking about something else during the gave and attributed the bad food to losing.  This would have could have happened in Mexico had the Superbowl been played there, but it is true, the Patriots might not have been prepared for Arizona germs the natives have become immune, to.  Does this mean we will not get another superbowl here any time soon?  I don't know.  You might investigate this story by interviewing the affected players.  I am a fan of Stacey, Elle, and Abdullah, whoever writes this blog as I love a good sense of humor. And I don't want Stacey to be felled so low by the conviction that the Patriots choked.  Not even great football players are prepared to ignore everything for the win.   Gerry http://journals.aol.com/gehi6/daughters-of-the-shadow-men/

18 and No!

(from Cape Cod Today)

Elle here...

As you've seen in the past... Stacey sort of goes life and death with these games. Seeing as the Pats just choked on the biggest game of the year, you can imagine her mental state right now. She's a threat to others and herself.

 So... the next time she turns her back... we're going to sedate her. This will be an Elle-jumps-her-from-behind-and-strangles-her type of sedation. Seeing as she lost a summer from the Red Sox just teasing her with choking, we'll put her recovery from this at 2-3 months.

Honestly... if you could see her face right now.... it's an enraged disappointment.

She's about 5 feet tall, drunk, and not expecting it... and her husband- who fought in Mogadishu- is refusing to be the one who takes her out. So it falls to me....

I don't know what this family is going to do when I go off to college next year, I really don't.

Wish me luck... I'm going in...

 

UPDATE:

Abdullah here.

Stacey saw Elle coming, was able to parry her assault... and the brawl went through the living room, out into the street, and down onto the beach. Stacey was holding Elle's head under the water of Little Buttermilk Bay when the Colonel finally stepped in and put her out with some sort of Mr. Spock neck pinch.

Stacey is bleeding from the head, and I would estimate that Elle broke a few ribs when they went through the coffee table (which is was solid oak). Elle also swallowed a lot of water. Stacey is now in a sort of fitful sleep, and we're currently seeking out some heavy sedatives from the local black market.

We're listing Stacey as being out 6 to 8 weeks (the revitalization of the Celtics should speed her recovery), while Elle probably won't have a sense of humor for 2 weeks. Either I'll be writing this column until then, or we'll recruit one of Stacey's AOL friends.

That's all from Buzzards Bay... we now take you back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Cape Cod Nor'Easter 1-27-2008

Gettin' Snowy!

 

Soild 60 mph winds

 

Whiteout...

 

Earlier...

 

Later...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tags: Cape Cod,

Blizz

 

 

 

ard

 

,

 

S

 

now

I Can't Help It If I Can- Whooo- Dance All Night Long

To be honest, wrestlers speaking is a lot like actors portraying sports stars... if you can tolerate the basketball parts of Hang Time or buy the Dawson's Creek pretty boy as a gunslinging QB, you can surely tolerate some wrestling promos.... especially where my tireless research has produced  a compendium of the finest in the sport.

This one.... from the early 1980s.... pretty much set the bar. It looks tame in today's WWE, where people are routinely set on fire, sodomized, etc... but it was cutting edge back in the day. If you ever see Rowdy Roddy Piper in a Hollywood movie, know that this is where he made his reputation.

 

Another classic... genuine sick man Dr.D. David Schultz takes exception to John Stossel's snarky interview style, and slaps his bitch up. This cost Dr.D. a lot of money, but he made it all back in publicity. Why pay directly for a commercial when you can smash somebody in the head and just write a check later?

 

Once steroids really began to take hold in the WWF, you couldn't just crack some Hawaian in the head with a coconut anymore... you had to be monstrous. If steroids made Barry Bonds act like this, the Senate would be afraid to call him forth to testify.

 

The 1980s were also the time when the line blurred between sports and entertainment.... giving us this 10 minute gem starring Don Muraco and the devious Mr.Fuji...

 

Also, in the 1980s... a southern wrestler named Ric Flair was mastering the art of giving interviews...and, to be honest, no one (except maybe The Rock, who we'll get to later) does the egotistical any better.

 

Of course... some do it worse... and that can often be just as enjoyable, especially on live TV....

 

No list would be complete without the Big Bad Booty Daddy, aka Big Poppa Pump...

 

Or Jake The Snake Roberts, at the drunken end of a great career.... follow the links to see Jake wrestle after the interview,where he uses the snake as a phallus, and gets some woman in the crowd to massage his nipples.... and I had to go before the end, where he starts to whip it out and piss in the ring....

 

Even Hollywood took notice of the Rock, who was a UMiami defensive lineman before he found his true calling.

 

 

My favorite... The Iron Sheik.... is the anchorman... this is very, very offensive...

The link below is the Iron Sheik- the greatest Persian ever, and my sole hope that the USA and Iran can someday get along- on Howard Stern. They had seen the tape above, and pretty much brought him in/boozed him up/got him angry on purpose.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMax4JaNCGo&feature=related

Tags: wrestling, promo, <AHREF="HTTP: rel="tag" target="_blank" wwe? tag technorati.com>wwe

Blitzkrieg?

Everyone's favorite Sour Kraut- as evil as he was- kicked back every Sunday for some football. You could actually put together a full Aryan team, as long as you don't need cornerbacks.

Peep Eva Braun in the Jessica Simpson role. Her 5 Hole- and the jinx attached to it- may have been the one thing that stopped the Thousand Year Reich.

Poised To Strike, Like Constantly

 

Two weeks (or half of a moon cycle, for all our casino-developing friends) to kill before the big Bowl of Soup!

It's tempting to just start lashing out at that big sewer 270 miles to our southwest. They're loud, ugly, dangerous, and deserve whatever we do to them. My 9/11 sympathy for La Grande Pomme evaporated during the 2003 ALCS.

There's other stuff going on. The Bruins win more than they lose, and have the upper hand in the battle for the final playoff spot. The Celtics have 7 losses this year...at the exact same time last year, they were losing 18 straight. They have not-one-but-TWO legitimate MVP candidates. The BC hoop squad trails only Duke and UNC in the ACC.

But for two weeks, the focus will be football.

I just may ease into it. Hating the Rotten Apple.... hatred in general... is not a sprint, but is rather an endurance event. You don't want to blow yourself out too early, because it weakens your ability to Hate at the time when Hatred is most needed.

Most non-sociopaths sort of cycle between relatively apathetic like and dislike. Sports fans act in more pathological ways. I could probably joke about a Giants-specific Ebola outbreak, maybe 4 seconds after the news came to me. If someone told me that Plaxico Burress just broke his leg rescuing orphans and puppies from a terrorist, I'd be like "Sweet!"... then I'd immediately call the bookie.

Someone as disturbed as myself- and there are perhaps hundreds of thousands of us just in Massachusetts alone- stands a very real chance of exhausting the Hatred too early. You end up cycling out of the Hatred and saying things like "Wow... Manning sure has made great strides this year." You soften.

We won't fall for that kind of stuff here. That's why we're just explaining our modus operandi, so that readers won't think we've lost our edge.

Coming soon....

- The Manning Curse Explained

- NFC= Junior Varsity

- Why New York Deserved The Cloverfield Monster Rampage

- You Don't Put Tomato In Clam Chowder, Morons

- The Wonderful Eccentricities Of  Tom Coughlin (you'll think these are all fake, but some of them will be true... I may actually make a game out of the idea)

- Silliest Names Of Giant Players

- Video Coverage

- Point Spread Analysis

... you know... the whole 9.

As for today.... just a few minor matters of interest:

Random YouTube Magic: P.K. & the Kid - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog... the Boss is also nationally known. Check the shot-calling aimed at Monponsett in this piece from AOL Fanhouse.

Tales of Game's Studios Presents Chef Boyardee's Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden...former NBA star Charles Barkley has a new video game out, dealing with the B-Ballnacht, an oppression of ballers following the Chaos Jam of 2041 AD that killed 15 million New Yorkers. Look closely, and you'll see CB talking some ship to Larry Legend.

YouTube - Falmouth Girls Hockey vs Barnstable.... Getting chilly on ice with two local squads of muckersand grinders....

Cape Cod Frenzy... our local ABA franchise is sitting out the 2007-2008 season, because they want a permanent venue. They want the  Hyannis Recreation Facility currently being built on the old JFK rink, and they deserve it. Also, logging onto that page hooks you up with the only Cape Cod rap song ever made.

Peep the sweet logo!