I was going to write a big hockey article, but you all deserve better than to have someone talking to you about hockey who is like "They put a team in Columbus.? "
The most I can say about this column's involvement in hockey is what Chris Rock's fictional Nat X character said when asked why blacks aren't as prominent in pro hockey (although there are several very good black players) as they are in basketball or football... "We have not chosen to dominate that sport yet."
Ya gotta go with what you know, as Chuck D once said. I played/coached/watched basketball my whole life. I watch an NBA game more intensely than 99% of the fans, analyzing technique, strategy, and execution. I play Fantasy Basketball on ESPN (go to the Fast Break fantasy league, look for the "Boston Celtics Rule" group, and I'm "Bourne To Kill". I think I'm 4th place out of 50, but I miss a lot of days due to travel/hospitilization/etc...). Hoops is my thang.
I love football, too... but I have never been coached in it, and my playing experience boils down to kicking field goals after soccer practice (175% motivated by my desire to flirt with the players, although I'm good from 50 off a tee) and a Powderpuff game at Duxbury High School that was highlighted by my spearing a girl in the back during what was supposed to be Touch Football.
Sure, Missy was hurt, and Missy most likely wasn't taking the game as seriously as I was... but sports are like warfare, and sometimes the innocents suffer. Eff her. I have bigger fish to fry.
Every year for my birthday, just before the season starts, the Colonel gets me that NBA Season Ticket thingy that lets me wake up at 3 AM (as, sadly, I am prone to do) and watch a half-hour of Seattle vs Portland. Not many people would do such a thing, but I consider it to be part of the root of my Power. I simply Know where others are forced to Guess.
Which is why I'm here today to break down the NBA, team by team. I had actually planned to do this in October when the season started, but I was thrown down a mountain instead, and spent most of November going "Owwwwwwwwwww." By the time I was off the painkillers, it was NFL Playoff time.
If this starts getting lengthy, I may break it down into Eastern and Western Conferences. Trust me, it'll be seamless.
So...let's fry this chicken:
EASTERN CONFERENCE
ATLANTIC DIVISON
Toronto (33-29)
Toronto leads the Atlantic Division, which means that they simply suck les than Philly/Boston/NJ|NY. Still, this long-time doormat is ruling a weak Atlantic. This is sort of like how the Christians sell Heaven to people... "eat dirt long enough... and you'll gain eternal reward... where EVERYBODY eats dirt, not just you."
They have emerging star Chris Bosh, mercurial guard T.J. Ford. Eurotrash Andrea Bargnani and absolutely no hope of getting past the first round of the playoffs... unless they face a one man gang like Cleveland, and LeBron breaks his own leg somehow.
Still, a round of playoff play is better than Toronto will be getting from their hockey team this year, so Go Canada!
New Jersey (28-33)
New Jersey is what happens when you base a team around 3 guys, and have no money left to pay anyone else. It might look good for a few games, but you end up 28-33 in a poor division.
Vince Carter will sign with someone else next summer, Jason Kidd is in a messy divorce, and Richard Jefferson can be injured by saying "BUMP" loudly near him. But all 3 are good players. The problem comes from players 4-12, who suck like a tick.
This team is headed to Brooklyn soon, and I predict that they will then lead the NBA in merchandise sales immediately... and that, sadly, is what the NBA is all about.
New York (28-34)
New York is currently spending 120 million dollars (or 5 times what Charlotte pays out on salaries), so the great improvement they've shown since last year should be taken with a grain of salt. They are currently paying Larry Brown $5 million not to coach this team.
Eddy Curry is having a breakout season, and they mortgaged the future of the team to get him. David Lee works hard on the boards, and Stephon Marbury dribbles well. They are run 100% by Zeke Thomas, and he is currently working under a make-the-playoffs-or-be-fired demand from the owner.
New York deserves worse, but they're currently third in the Atlantic, and Zeke has an outside chance of keeping his job.
Philadelphia (23-38)
They started the year with former All Stars Allen Iverson and Chris Webber, and are now led by Andre Igoudala and Samuel Dalembert. The 50 loss season they are headed towards is actually sort of encouraging.
They were thought to be Boston's chief rival for the Oden/Durant Lottery (Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are far and away the most NBA-ready kids in college currently, and the worst team gets first choice among the incoming NBA rookies), but they brewed up a quick winning streak, and now it's a race for Worst team in The NBA between Memphis and...
Boston (17-43)
We'll get to the Celtics in an article I'll write later, when I have more mood-enhancing drugs.
CENTRAL DIVISION
Detroit (37-22)
While still the best team in the East as long as Shaq or Dwayne Wade is hurt, no one fears these dudes anymore since Big Ben Wallace took his chef-hat-sized afro to Chicago for 15 million per.
Formr Celtic Chauncey Billups (traded for what became Gin Baker) and Rip Hamilton (the black Havlicek) make for a superb backcourt, and Tayshaun Prince and the legendary Rasheed Wallace are OK on the wings. Much-maligned Chris Webber was stolen from Philly off waivers, and is doing superb work manning the pivot for his hometown team
Still... and I'd bet $$ on this, if anyone's interested... I can see the Pistons being eliminated from the playoffs in a close game 7 where Webber does something monumentally stupid to lose the game. While that sounds like a reach, I see it as betting on the tide to come in eventually.
Hamilton and Havlicek- both superb athletes who play/played a very technically sound game defined by hustle- share a unique bond. They are compared all the time, and even the old pros say that their games are very, very similar. This makes Hamilton the first black guy I ever saw who gets compared to a white player... which, to the black player- no matter how great the white player was- is sort of like having a guy you want to date tell you that you're "nice" or "funny."
People hoist "the next Larry Bird" onto some pretty weak, white shoulders. I've heard it used on Adam Morrison, Keith Van Horn, Austin Croshere, etc... Van Horn has actually protested his racial profiling.. "I appreciate the compliment, but my game is more like (black guy) Derek McKey's."
Cleveland (36-25)
The venerable One Man Gang. Lebron James goes out every night with
- a 7'3" Lithuanian stiff..."stiff" in Slavic is "Zydrunas Ilgauskas."
- a perpetually undermotivated Drew Gooden... Gooden's backup is a Brazilian guy who looks like Sideshow Bob raped Carlito Caribbeean Cool from the WWE, and somehow got a 6'9" baby out of it.
- Mr. Four Teams In Three Years, Larry Hughes
- any number of point guards... although point guard is an obsolete concept in Cleveland, where LBJ dominates the ball.
LeBron is good enough to get a team deep into the playoffs, but you won't win Shift with those other 4 clowns once you play a good team. LBJ needs to do what Shaq does... attract a great player to come toOhio for short money, just for the chance to play with him.
Chicago (35-28)
So, so interesting to watch.
A great 3 guard rotation of Hinrich, Gordon and Duhon.. a nice forward batch of Nocioni, Deng and Thomas.... a fierce defensive center in Ben Wallace... and absolutely no low-post game whatsoever.
They had the 3rd best low post scorer in the NBA- center Eddy Curry... as well as defensive center extrordinaire Tyson Chandler... and they gave them both away for nothing. Unless Eddy Curry dies, Chicago may have ruined their future with 2 catastrophic trades.
The Celtics have been waiting for a true center since Robert Parish retired.. and Chicago had 2 of them (22 years old now, I think), and pissed them both away because they didn't get along well with the coach... who, it should be added, gets along with nobody.
Coach Scott Skiles must have pictures of the Chicago owner handing out Crytal Meth to a bunch of 4th graders, because I'd consider lynching him myself if he did that to Boston.
They'll advance a round in the playoffs... but the team is flawed, and flaws have a way of cracking under pressure (see:Johnstown Flood - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).
Indiana (29-31)
2 years ago, they were Jermaine O'Neal, Ron Artest, and Reggie Miller. Last year, they were O'Neal. Stephen Jackson, and Peja Stojakovic(?) . Earlier this year, they were Jerm, Al Harrington and Jackson, and they are currently Jerm, Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy. They're talking about trading the Jerm this summer.
That's the opposite of continuity, folks.. and Jermaine won't win Ditka until they get the same 4 dudes around him for like 3 years. Unfortunately, Jermaine will likely be in another city when that happens.
Milwaukee (23-39)
What happens when you get the #1 overall, and pass on Chris Paul to take a slow, white center who you think will sell more tickets... then trade your point guard anyway.
SOUTHEAST DIVISION
Washington (34-26)
Much like New Jersey, they are three good players and a bunch of Jabroni types. Gilbert Arenas is a sort of Kobe-like scorer, in that he needs 35 shots to get 30 points. Antawn Jamison is a soft power forward or a slow small forward.. and while I like Carom Butler a lot, he's still the guy most likely to elicit "he's scoring 20 a game???" remarks from less intense fans.
They lead their division cuurrently because they've played Boston and Philly a lot, but they won't win 2 playoff games against Detroit or Miami. If they make the Finals somehow, they'd be swept by any of 3-5 teams in the west.
Miami (31-29)
They finally get Shaq into the lineup, and Dwayne Wade gets hurt. As fun as it was to watch Kobe slip away into the Lottery when Snaq left LA, it is fun seeing Snaq end up without a scoring guard to keep teams from triple-teaming him. They both deserve it.
It won't happen... but I'd love to see the Heat play the Lakers in the Finals with Wade out. Snaq and Kobe dominating the ball, finally and emphatically answering the question of who was right back when Snaq was peddled out of LA like a jobber. Right now, I'm looking at Shaq's non-Kobe championship ring, and I'm thinking Shaq was right... but Snaq isn't getting any younger or faster, and Kobe is just now in his prime.
Snaq is dominant enough to get by a Washington or a Chicago, but they won't win another ring without Wade hitting for 25 a game. Look for lots of Haq-a-Shaq once the playoffs start... and maybe well before.
Orlando (29-33)
They may not make the playoffs this year, and that may be a good thing. Powerhouse Dwight Howard will be angry if they miss out, and he can vent that frustration over 82 games next season with Whoever They Spend Grant Hill's Money On.
Sadly...it's right around the end of his NBA career that I hang the Grant Ill nickname on the frequently-injured forward. He deserved it in 2001 or so.
When they dump Ill, look for them to suddenly get really, really good. Howard is La Bete.
Atlanta (23-39)
Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Josh Childress, and Marvin Williams are the four best players on the Atlanta Hawks. Each of them is a small forward. If they draft a small forward this summer, I can just paste this same summary here next year and only have to add "(next year's small forward.)"
Joe Johnson is playing out of position as a shooting guard, and very much so as a point guard. Josh Smith is playing out of position as a power forward. Josh Childress is probably the 3rd best small forward on the team, but he gets minutes because the other small forwards are versatile enough to play at other positions.
Marvin Williams can't get minutes, period....because he's not better than the guy playing his position currently, and there are already guys playing out of position at the other positions he's capable of playing out of position at.
Of course it's confusing... that's why they're 23-39 or whatever.
Charlotte (22-40)
Air Jordan runs this team, and his first move as GM was to gag on the #3 overall by taking Adam Morrison. They do have Emeka Okafor, though.. and he's a monster. They need a few high draft picks and a few years of bonding before they win more than 40 games a season.
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