Saturday, March 10, 2007

Pimp Thyself

A lot of people are quick to disrespect Monponsett's status in the AOL Blogosphere as a top-notch Insider who entertains jillions of fans, who in turn show their affection with cunnilingus-like devotional intensity.

I think I'm like #195,000 at Technorati, who are merely slaves to the numbers and don't know Dique about how Smurf be handlin'.

Most people don't know Dique, and it's not just because I made the word up 40 seconds ago. 195,000th out of 10 million blogs isn't bad- it's about a 1090 SAT score- but those numbers are skewered by Technorati's insistence on things like Readership and Linkage.. and those things don't work in my favor.

I actually don't write that well for someone who writes all the time and occassionally collects money for said talent. I'm not sure if spelled/spelt "occassionally" properly, for instance. My education was focused in other areas than where to place a colon, and I've never regretted it.

I suppose a critical review of this page would use words like "overlong," "rambling," "vulgar," and "demented." I'd be upset, except that's pretty much what I was shooting for. Although I plug the occassional charity, this column serves little Good purpose in the world. I'd probably avoid this page too, if I were you.

Still, I like writing, and why howl into the abyss like all the other losers? Your average NYC graffiti artist has his/her work seen by more people than the the best ballet dancer or folk musician, merely because the bus/canvas goes by more people daily than can fit in a MFA or a coffeehouse.

Likewise, the only way to claw out of obscurity with this instrument is to draw enough attention to this web page that someone with money (hence my desire for visibility) will:

A) hire me to write a weekly column

B) deem this page's traffic volume to be significant enough so that they'll pay me to place prominent banner ads for their Pornography sites in my articles.

I'd prefer B, as it would essentially make me my own boss and place no limitations on my Art. I'm the boss of this page, and I'm something like the Upper Cape Cod Bureau Chief at The pay is such that I've set "Porn Site Link Sales" as an optimal career goal.

This is all aimed at C) I sit around all day after the kids have moved out, smoke marijuana, write a little, and go out to eat a lot. I already own the house and the spouse, so I think I could get by on $10,000 a year if I grow my own.

Note the time period ("after the kids have moved out") I've allowed myself. Quick, decisive strikes require resources of Talent and Marketability that are simply beyond me, so I use other methods that require more simmering time... as most good dishes usualy do.

One method is what biologists call Involuntary Symbiotic Association. I like to leave comments on blogs that do better traffic than mine. While serving the purpose of getting my name out there, it provides the host a valuable (and frequent) source of comments. It's remora-mako, win/win, both hands washed.

I try to pick on AOL employees, simply because they're paid to tolerate some level of nonsense, and aren't paying money to have a page that can be randomly visited by some clown who thinks they are funnier than they really are. I try to be sweet when I visit Dad's Tomato Garden or Dribble by Chuck Ferris (see links on side). I do whatever I want when I log in as "Ted from Hyannisport" and start visiting the pages of my fellow writers at CCToday.

One of the best places to go is By The Way, which is run by John Scalzi. I forget how I stumbled onto this page, but he does about 5 articles a day that are very fun to leave goofy comments on.

It doesn't pay, but I like to think that I'm right around the top of the underappreciated field of Commenting. The following is part of the proof... what I consider to be the better comments I've left on that page.

Check the article, then check the comments. I'm there somewhere. Enjoy!

Bearly Sane

Honestly, I Don't Know How I Missed This One

Extreme Laundry!

Also, Unless It's Actually His Name, Don'tCall Him "Officer Bacon"

The Picture and Story That Will Almost Certainly Convince You to Quit Smoking If You've Not Done So

Wednesday Author Interview: Joe Hill

Teaching the Kids About money

The Girl Gave Me Some Fish Sticks and Suddenly Here I Am in Niagra Falls

A Sad Reminder That Ours Is a World With Physics

Weekend Assignment #93: Suggest A Weekend Assignment!

He's a Super Geek, Super Geek, He's Super Geeky, Yow

The Unbreakable Willpower of the Committed Parental Unit

300 Million is Coming

The British Commonwealth: Your Home For Truly Bizarre Stories

The Hardest Job Imaginable.... (I was quite proud of my ruthlessness in this one)

The Bad News Is, They Already Figured Out How to Read the Messages

Super Bowl Super Bowl Super Bowl

The Case of the Missing Soccer Ball

Weekend Assignment #100: Facts From the Future!

Want to Meet a Canadian? Dance!


- We'll split the scalzi into several entries, as there is mucho volume here....future versions of this column will feature Joe at Magic Smoke, DC Sports Guy at and NBA Fanhouse,, Ted's Take (featuring AOL something Ted Leonsis... there's a bit where I try to sell him a lake that is very good), and wherever else I may roam.


randlprysock said...

I know you were going somewhere with this, now what is the question?  No really, keep at it, someone will discover us.  Hugs,

princesssaurora said...

LOL... You are too funny... You know Scalzi gets paid for it, right?  

be well,

gehi6 said...

I couldn't help but laugh at this entry.  Was I supposed to.  I come back and check every now and then to see if you have posted an entry as think you are a witty person, a real wit is rare.  I think.  Heck, I can't feel too sorry for you as I am person who wrote ten novels, about 20 plays and volumes of letters, and do you know how many readers I had?   Well, just about zilch, so I think a few readers looking into my memoirs is a lot more than I had in the last 65 years, when I first started writing.  I finally tossed out the aol counter as it went back to zero so many times I thought this is going to scare away what readers I have managed to snare.  I go to some blogs and see 69 comments or the like, and I feel like I did when I did not get asked t the Junior Prom.  Then I think oh it is my terrible subject matter which I inherited.  And in your memoirs you have to tell about your life.  Some lives don't appeal to some people.  I read John Scalzi's comments just in hopes of seeing one from a wit like you.  I heck him out.  I try to make a good thing out of b eing unpopular.  I always have.  I know how to be popularly unpopular!  Keep writing.  I like your screen name, too.   Gerry