Coolin' on the scene, like a horse in a stable

Sports Notes:

- The Masters

   For starters, I'm not sure if it's "the Master's" or "the Masters." Verbally, it makes little difference, although I'm aware that sports bloggers should know this sort of stuff. Deal.

   Phil Mickelson won, and pretty much whaled on everybody else. Tiger fell apart like a Korean television set. Few others distinguished themselves. Phil earned his keep, going the last 18 holes with only one bogey... whatever the hell THAT means. I think he killed a gopher, too.

   Phil may be good, but I truly feel that if you took he and I on Route 6, he wouldn't be that much better at mini-golf than I would. I say this with full knowledge of the fact that I hurt myself mini-golfing in Nantasket with my students once. While I wouldn't put big money on it, I'd bet up to a thou. I don't care how good you are... a windmill is a windmill, and it's hard to putt through one.

    Had that Coast Guard bill passed, we could replace the windmills at mini-golf courses around here with big turbines... although the traditional country windmill is prettier. Had Cape Wind designed the turbines to look more like those Dutch windmills of old, they'd be sittng in an office somewhere counting money as I write this.

 

The Ben Wallace Inflatable Defender Doll

   I might get me one of these. I don't think my playroom can accomodate a 6'9" toy (seven feet with the afro), and it might scare the children. I can also see Sloppy Dog popping this sucker like a collar. Try not to foul it too hard, or it may grab your daughter around the neck... because even at the harbor, the Ben Wallace Rubber Doll doesn't really take a lot of ship.

   I'll still prolly get one, unless it's like $200 or something. My plan is to anchor it in Buzzards Bay, to scare off sharks and hurricanes. It's either a great idea or a terrible one. Speaking of which....

Duke Lax

   It's hard to drum up serious hatred of a lacrosse team, even though I'm instinctively inclined to hate Duke. Still, a Big Dan's Tavern-style gang rape will bring the media to your campus pretty much anywhere.

   For those of you who missed it, Duke Lax had a party with some professional entertainment... a drunken stripper. While they have her on film performing, there are different stories circulating as to whether she took on the whole team, or whether they had her against her will.

   The team has been shut down, kids under scholarship for next year are being advised to lax elsewhere, and things look to be getting real ugly down on tobacco road.  This first sports-rape trial since Kobe Bryant should make for some interesting CourtTV at some point.

   When I was counseling, I worked at a SPED school that had kids who were there because their needs weren't being met at their local high school. Some of them were a bit slow, while others had exhibited a proclivity towards violence/crime/etc... A bad mix, but that's a bunch of tales for another day.

   One particular incident that I want to relate involves some of the tougher kids deciding to take one of the slower kids (they all came to us from the same town) under their wing. They'd let D hang around with him when they shot hoops, treat him when they got sodas, make sure no one in the neighborhood screwed with him, etc... I was actually proud of them, and D was beaming at having some cool friends.

   Unfortunately, they also decided to get him high, once. They had brought him to a party, and they said that he had a good time. When the blunt was passed, they decided that they wouldn't protest D getting his turn at bat. "It's not like it's gonna make him stupid or anything," one of them told me.

   This was during 1-1 counseling, and the Haitian Warrior was shocked to see that I was upset by this development. I wasn't pleased to learn that there was a stripper at the party, either. D is a giant kid, and he's very, very childlike. I put my head in my hands.... "Tell... what ended up happening?'

   "He made the stripper cry. 'Cost me an 8th of weed to shut her up."

   He wouldn't divulge more information... but the the HW doesn't give up his weed for too much., and strippers don't cry easily. For that reason, I'm inclined to think that this will be a far uglier case than the alleged Kobe room service raping that went before the people in Colorado a few years back.

 

 

Old Time Hockey!

   I saw a good hockey fight this week. It was a nice, open-ice slugout between Donald Brashear (the guy who Marty McSorely pole-axed with his stick a few years ago) and some really big guy. They traded for about a minute, with each guy landing... then the big guy managed to deck him. It was cool.

   Washington's Alex Ovchekin (or something very close to that) banged in his 50th goal of the season, a pretty good stat for a rookie. AO-Hockey Stick pretty much has Rookie Of The Year wrapped up. He also scored an OT backbreaker that did in our beloved Bruins in the first game I had really watched in like 2 months.

   Hopefully, Boston will spend some money and draft well, because we traded our best players for nothing. Next year might be the year when the Bruins suffer that awful season that gets us our own stud Russian #1 draft pick. Whoever ends up GMing the team may just be making a pick that sets the course of hockey in thistown for the next 20 years.

   Mr. Leonsis also signed another Russian, winger Alexander Semin. This guy needs to see Lucky Number Slevin  before he tells any reporters how to pronounce his name, if you know what I mean. Seeing "Satan" on a hockey shirt is funny... but this guy truly lost the Last Name Lottery 20 years ago in some freezing commie dacha, and he's just figuring it out now, I guess. I've offered Ted my services to explain it to the young man, but he's smarter than that.

   Still, teachers are sort of attuned to silly/potentially fake last names, and we're good people to have working the door in these kind o situations....although I once offended someone on Cape Cod Today's blog service when I thought "Matt Estes" was a fake name. I used to see that one scribbled on the attendance sheet all the time when I substituted in a strange class. Instead, I offended some Irish-Portuguese guy.

NBA Awards

   My vote doesn't count, but I hold the floor at the moment. I personally feel that these awards should be given out after the playoffs, but things aren't always set up to please me.

Rookie of the Year... Chris Paul. CP3 pretty much put a weakened and battered New Orleans/Oklahoma City franchise into the playoff hunt by himself. They might have won 20 games the previous season, and had just traded their best 2 players prior to CP3's arrival. This may be a case where no one else gets a vote, and Atlanta blew it when they passed on this kid.

Coach Of The Year... Byron Scott gets props for the N'awlins turnaround, and Phil Jackson did good work in LA.  Flip Saunders didn't miss a beat in Detroit, and Phoenix still dominated after losing Amare Stoudemire. Give it to the Phoenix guy.. Mike D'Antoni.

Most Improved Player... A lot of guys could be taking this one home. Yao Ming had a slow start, but he was tearing the NBA apart before he broke his foot. David West came out of nowhere to start stacking serious numbers for NO. Paul Pierce and Carmello Anthony both cemented their status as elite players.  Vince Carter went from star to bum back to star again, which probably disqualifies him. Only CP3's landslide prevents me from giving it to West, who will suffer for the same reason Byron Scott will suffer. I'll give it to Carmello, who could use some good pub after his Stop Snitching DVD.

MVP... This is a tough call this year. Kobe led the NBA in scoring, and threw 81 in on Toronto during one particularly filthy game. Steve Nash and Shawn Marion carried an elite team on their backs. I wouldn't complain if Billups/Wallace/Hamilton got the award as a trio. Tim Duncan can make a pretty good case for himself. Dirk Nowitzki has been clowning people all year. Lebron and Dwayne Wade lose out because they may split the next 8 MVP trophies. I'll give it to Dirk Diggler by a personality over Kobe.