The New Republicans

Bring on the New Republicans!

The NBA draft creates 30 or so millionaires, none of them over 24. It is also the last culling of the high school kids. You just might call it the end of an era, but we'll get to that later.

The NBA draft makes more urban teens rich than selling crack to suburban kids. It brings more Europeans to America than a potato famine. It sends more US dollars south of Texas than NAFTA. It employs more big geeky white guys than a series of Abraham Lincoln vs. Frankenstein movies. You also get to see the early 2005-2006 versions of suits that a color-blind pimp would decline wearing. Jalen Rose holds that particular title(for his brick red pimp suit of 1987 or so), but the hip-hop generation is always a threat.

As you can tell, the NBA draft has implications that go far beyond getting dunked on by a 7 foot teenager. The next Lebron may have to go to a whole different kind of court to win his right to play...the Supreme Court. I guess all our 18 year olds will be needed in Iraq. 

This year's draft was unusual in that both the first man chosen and the goofiest looking person overall was a white boy. That Bogut kid- a rarely seen Australian Croat- looks like someone used radiation on Moe Howard's pituitary gland. They tell me he's good, and he'd better be....because he may be the first millionaire athlete who can't get laid. He may be, to my knowledge, the first white guy to be taken first overall since Bill Walton. 

Look for entertaining conversations between Bogut and Bucks owner Senator Herb Kohl, who voted against military aid to Croatia during the Serbian ethnic cleansing era. It should also be fun to watch a 260 pound Australian set loose in America's beer Mecca with a multi-million dollar contract.

Another goofy white guy with a first round deal is that kid the Clippers drafted. Russian as vodka, and the winner of the junior dunk contest in the European league- which is sort of like being the best lay in the Vatican. He could be the next Kobe, but playing for the Clip means he'll either suck or be injured.

My Celtics came out of the draft with Gerald Green, who dropped so far that I'm almost sure GM Danny Ainge has never seen a tape of him. GG is a high school kid, something Ainge has a tate for. Adding this year's child star to Kendrick Perkins and Al Jefferson makes Oh Danny (Ainge) Boy a dangerous man to have lurking around your local high school. Were he screwing these kids instead of making them professionals, he just may be in violation of the Mann Act.

Other draft notes:

- When Chris Paul dies around 2060 or so, a child named Paul Chris will be born in Georgia. Paul is the most recent addition to the Athletes Who Have Hit Someone In The Nuts club, and may take the presidency of said club away from boxer Andrew Golata- and given Golata's Polish heritage, it is quite possible that the AG thought he was landing solid uppercuts to the chin as he repeatedly managed to cave in Riddick Bowe in a title match.

- Gerald Green on the imminent age limit ruling: "If those older players need the rules changed to save their jobs, they'd better get their game together."

- What would you buy if you suddenly became a teen millionaire?

- With the globalization of the NBA, we get South Americans, Asians, Europeans....but very few Africans- which is ironic when you look at the overall blackness of the NBA. Maybe if the court were 25 miles long, more Kenyans and Ethiopians would pick up the sport.

- I don't think he got drafted, but I watched an interview with Sun Ming Ming, a 7'8" Chinaman with NBA aspirations. This kid is so tall, the sun never truly sets on him-without daily 3 hour handstand sessions, his forehead would always be above the horizon in all places but Death Valley and the Dead Sea....This solar exposure  would leave him as a pale man with a Manute Bol-style forehead tan.