Ye Gods....Jackie Christie's lap must have a cape with a big red "S" spilling out of it. Or Doug must have seen God when they met. Nothing else makes sense.
On the surface, it's kind of sweet. Doug really loves the girl, and they work hard to make the relationship work. Of course, on the surface, a land mine looks a lot like a sand castle.
For those of you who missed it, Doug Christie is whipped in a manner that Kunta Kinte would laugh at. Here's a few of the things I've learned about the Christie's relationship.
- Doug and his wife "talk" during the game by exchanging hand signals. These go further than a wave as Doug leaves the huddle. She has hand signals for "Shoot," "Drive the lane," and so forth. The Kings players are used to it, and even developed their own signals to good-naturedly goof on him about it.
- Toronto Raptors beat reporters observed the Christies during one game, and counted 62 episodes of communication. They actually had a betting pool on it, and the winner got a Molson keg.
- Jackie follows the team on road games....literally. When she isn't allowed on the bus, she carries a trip-long cell phone conversation with the poor man as she drives behind the bus.
- Jackie waits for Doug after the game, and they exit the court hand-in-hand. Doug is not allowed to leave the court until he locates his wife.
- Jackie jumps into fights that Doug gets into on the floor...at one point executing a belly-to-belly suplex on former Laker forward Brick Fox. Fox, who was married to hotty Vanessa Williams in a bi-coastal relationship, actually supports the couple's pattern.
- Doug is not allowed to speak to female reporters...even long-time NBA vets like Jackie McMullan. If one HAS to talk to him, Jackie will stand behind him for the entire interview..."so there will be no games." Jackie "is undecided" as to whether deviant male reporters like Marv Albert can speak to her hub.
- Jackie managed to get a female stat courier removed from her job when Doug was on the Raptors. The courier then launched a lawsuit against her former employer, and looks like a good bet to win it.
- When not allowed into the locker room, Jackie sends a note back to Doug, who writes a reply.
- The Christies have an elaborate wedding ceremony every July 8th, complete with cake, church, honeymoon, etc...
- She attacked a female autograph seeker who wanted Doug's John Hancock....which was a little too phallic for Jackie C. A security guard was forced to intervene.
- "Doug is allowed to look at other females, although I prefer he didn't." Jackie also refers to Doug as "my territory."
- Doug can not speak to any other female. He also avoids eye contact. If Doug has a heart attack and is taken to a female doctor, he has been instructed to die.
- When King's officials laughed off Jackie's insistence that all female staff be fired, Doug began dressing in a separate dressing room.
-As Mrs. Christie is a heavy sleeper, Doug allows himself to be chained to the bed beside her every night. He sleeps with his unit in a tub of ice, to prevent him from dreaming about other women.
- Doug's penis was removed during a radical 2002 surgery, and is kept in Jackie's purse unless Doug needs to urinate.
Sound like a reality series? Well, it's going to be one. VH-1 has it all set to begin shooting, and they start on the 11th of January. Doug claims it will be boring. "All I do is go home and play with the kids." says DC. Doug is wrong. VH-1 sees what he doesn't see, and look for a series of attacks as the V sends a series of hot models to interview Doug, try to get his autograph, and whatever else it takes to send Jackie into a helluva rage.
Don't get me wrong. I like bossing my husband around as much as anyone. I'm good at it, too. When I'm pregnant, he is actually trained to respond to the dilation of my pupils as I focus on the TV when it shows a Dairy Queen or Taco Bell ad. The training worked- he can be sleeping, but if I say "hot fudge sundae," he's on his feet with the car keys in about .007 seconds. Still, Jackie probably wouldn't let Doug go to Dairy Queen....the Queen's probably a female, you know.
Three more notes:
- Until they started a reality show, it was none of our business.
- If there was a female athlete with this kind of overbearing, domineering husband, I think the story would be far more well-known. It would be fun to see Bob Costas get attacked at the US Open, though.
- Doug looks like a pretty mellow guy, but I'll lay 2:1 odds on Jackie being cut into hamburger with a chainsaw on the day that Doug finally snaps.
2 comments:
ha,ha,ha a fool you truly are she is hot sexy and hotter and the man does in fact covet her are you jelous stupid or blind you he she or what the hell ever you are? if you truly do have a husband he must really be your wife because only a freak trying to be what they are not would write such hate wake up before it's to late!!!
Well said! I was laughing from start to finish. What a ridiculous, unhealthy relationship. I only heard about the Christies a few days ago when I was watching the silly Tyra Bank show. Jackie Christie is not even a hottie; she just looks like a plain suburban housewife whose husband is screwing his sexy administrative assistant. Why is she so worried about women eyeing Doug....he looks like an idiot. Anway, it is just a matter of time before he blows and chokes the living daylights out of her...or he gets blown (by a real hottie)!
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