Cy Young Girl Award

Old friend Rocket Roger Clemens turned up on our radar a few times this year, which isn't bad for someone who doesn't actually pitch anymore.

Of course, how he is appearing isn't the way you want to appear- steroid hearings, 60 Minutes, mistresses confessing to the media... he's sort of f*cked. 

He was even outed by former child songstress Mindy McCready, who said that she and the Rocket has a thang goin' on when she was too young to work after school legally.

Here's an explanation, with pictures:

One thing you never hear mentioned when steroids are discussed... and it's by far the most important thing....

There are drugs out there that can make us better/stronger/faster. These drugs will let you casually smash records that have stood for decades... even centuries. While I'm sure that some bad-ass knights sat at the Round Table, I'd bet on the 6'7", 275 pound artificially-enhanced guy who is as quick as a mongoose.

 All I know about the downside of steroids is that they are A) illegal, B) considered to be cheating in baseball, and C) supposed to rot you from the inside.

I want proof. Cobain convinced me about heroin. You can look at Whitney Houston and know that cocaine is a losing proposition. Pretty much all of the steroid guys seem to be doing just fine physically.

I need to see Clemens, Bonds, or Canseco die really young/soon in order to alter my opinion that we are sleeping on a radical, species-altering turn in medical science.

Imagine what safe steroids could do for this country. Think about a factory full of juiced up workers, setting productivity records on the regular. Think of the pollution/natural resources savings when people can leave the car behind and do the 7 miles between home and office in a 28 Days Later gonna-kill-you sprint.

In fact... what about our heroes laying it all on the line in godforsaken Afghanistan? John Kerry did a lot of whining about cheap flak jackets and lightly armoured APCs, but he totally failed to mention that there are currently easily obtainable drugs that might make every single Leatherneck currently dodging roadside bombs in Mesopotamia suddenly start kicking ass like Sergeant Alvin Motherf**ing York.

If I were stalking through some Shiite Asian Hell, I don't know who I'd shoot first if I found out that some stuffed shirt back in the States doesn't want me to be able to lift more/run faster because it's cheating.... but I know I'd be shooting somebody.

You can buy drugs right off the TV that will let you get a 6 hour Woodrow that a doctor may have to fix. You can serve a cocktail of drugs to a hyperactive 3rd grader. You can make tea out of dozens of strange, exotic roots and herbs from who-knows-where.

Yet... there's a superdrug out there that can make you physically superior, or at least better than you were. And they won't give it to us.

Shoot... even the old argument about steroids giving you the Needle Dick don't seem to be true. Barry Bonds spent considerable sums of money keeping a mistress on the side. Jose Canseco went 40/40 on Madonna. Roger Clemens seems to have been grabbing girls off The New Mickey Mouse Club to satisfy a sexual longing that, according to the generally accepted urban legend, shouldn't have been there.

The only guys that can tell us the truth about it are muzzled by fear, and are currently viewed as outlaws.Senators currently ignore $3.55 a gallon gas prices to spend days finding out just what Jose shot into Roger's ass back in 1989 or so.

We're fighting 2 wars, we need to reproduce faster than the Mexicans do, and American business and labor need a boost from out of nowhere. Our options are limited.

We can redesign the education system like after Sputnik went up, show full-frontal on Nickelodeon to get the kids f*cking earlier, and make more Guns than Butter.

Or everyone can just take a little pill.

Roger Clemens, we here at Cape Cod Today salute you. Stephen Cooper, your hometown still loves you. You are renegades, Chemistry Cowboys, pushing yourselves and medical science to the limit. You are showing us all that we may one day become.