Does Anybody Really Care?

If you have terrible vision and look at this pic without glasses, he looks like the Heat Miser

   I didn't have much of a say when my family left France to settle in America. I was two, and wouldn't have made much of a contribution to the argument anyhow. While my father always gave "relative proximity to Germany" as the reason we ended up here, my senses tell me there was more to it than that.

   It was very early in life- not more than 3-4 years after I became fluent in English- that people began to notice that I was a little too into sports. My nickname("Smurf" came later) was "Bounce," due to my constant dribbling of a basketball. I was the girl in town (there's always one) who wanted to play Pop Warner with the boys, and I was always partial to the Free Safety position. The basic decoration of my room was in sort of a Foot Locker motif- jerseys and sports posters everywhere.

   It wasn't hard to figure out what happened to me. I was my father's daughter. Short of the lack of posters and 6 hours of basketball a day on his part- which I'm sure was due to my mother's influence- we were two peas from the same pod. Both of us could speak English, but we sounded silly. Both of us would set up plans around Patriot games. He missed me winning an EMass championship in soccer because he had scored tickets to some Monday Night Football game somewhere, and I not only didn't resent it, I was the one asking him for details after my game. He promised to make it up to me by buying me a pony, but the SOB died before I could call that one in.

   Still, we were one in the same, which makes me wonder if our coming to America was not in some part motivated by my father's desire to put at least an Atlantic Ocean between himself and this Tour De France stuff. The funny part? Once my father gets here, an American starts winning the Tour De France, and it's all over the news here, too.

   Before I get into my rant, understand that I don't hate the French. I am French. It's not a gender thing, although I think girls look stupid on bicycles. I personally haven't pedaled a bicycle since the day boys with cars started asking me out. I also respect the athletes. On paper, I might be the perfect Tour de France fan- liberal/French/twenty something/ Massachusetts/ sports freak. That's why they play the games, folks...things rarely work out as they do "on paper."

   I just don't think it's that compelling a viewing event. That's 200 or so people riding bikes- many of whom don't realize that a really thin guy in Spandex looks just as stupid as a really fat girl in Spandex. It's like a p**sy Hell's Angels, with French overtones and a Sheryl Crow soundtrack, conducted roughly along the proposed route of the Schlieffen Plan. I'd watch Mexican soap operas first. I'd watch Mexican soap commercials first- at least you get to see sudsy nude people.

   Some people are all into the Tour de( "of " ) France. God bless 'em. Really. I watch some stupid stuff myself. I rarely miss Smackdown. I thought Buffy the Vampire Slayer had 2-3 good years left when the plug got pulled, had they killed off the kid sister (Sorry, Shea...but life was cheap at Sunnydale High). That said, I would rather drink 100% pure Ebola juice than sit in sweltering July France with a million people waiting for a bunch of geeks to pedal by. I skip the Boston Marathon every year for the same reason.

   First of all, in both the Tour and the Marathon, it is a distance race more than a speed race. This means that no matter where you watch from or when you tune in, you'll see some dude pacing himself. The race is conducted in stages and often won by several minutes, so you rarely see two guys neck and neck.

   Crashes occur, but they aren't the fun kind that you see in NASCAR that are caused by some malevolent redneck gearhead who honestly thinks he just "gave him a little bump" as he bashes some rookie off the wall on the third turn at 185 mph. How do you think Dale Sr. would have reacted if he was racing some Lycra-wearing skinny German named Hans? "Cleanup, turn two."

   I'd like to think that most Americans agree with me, and that this fact would be proof that I belong here. Sadly, I see a small flaw in my theory- the rock star popularity granted to one Lance Armstrong.

   Lance is 100% man, make no mistake. He's a Texican, damnit. He not only dominates his sport, he dominates it in their country. Europeans hate it when Americans win their sports, trust me. He gutted his way through surgery that would retire a longshoreman, and his performance never really fell off. I would pay $2500 cash under the table for his excised testicle. He has a rock star hotty waiting for him at the finish line. He has several of those incessant Nike/ Gatorade commercials, and would probably be recognized before Ray Lewis or David Ortiz in 9 out of 10 cases. Sheryl Crow would run in horror from Ray Lewis. Or maybe she'd take on him, Boulware, Kyle Boller and Neon Deion while brandishing a 9 foot horsewhip and a leather face mask.....you can never tell with the rock stars.

     Still.....he rides a f*****g bicycle, for the love of God. Most Americans couldn't tell you the name of a second Tour de France competitor. I haven't seen the Tour TV ratings in America, but I bet it's a case where they lose out to Candlepin Bowling and skateboarding in many major markets. Very few kids here grow up dreaming about ducking their head into the wind as they ride a super modified Huffy down the leeward slope of the Alps, even if they do get to bang Sheryl Crow after the race.

 

She ain't peeling labels off bottles of Bud now that the Lance is in the hizzy....

 

   Seeing Armstrong and Tony Hawk (does this man not look like 25 years too old for his sport? Watching him skateboard is like watching Dick Cheney get high) all over the TV while Manny Ramirez can't even get a  local donut joint commercial makes me think that there are still a few huge flaws in our system. Is this the best that Madison Avenue can do in regards to producing a Great White Hope? One rarely sees brothers on the Tour, and maybe once Grant Fuhr won the Vezina Trophy, a crack team of advertisers sat down and figured out that ol' Lance was exactly what America needed.

   Armstrong and Hawk also star in sports that are very eco-friendly. When Tony Hawk pulls over, no one runs out and puts 50 pounds of rubber tree tires and $500 worth of gas into his skateboard. Both sports cater to kids with no money and lots of street to play on. "Given the concrete/ashphalt nature of American cities, I'm surprised more blacks don't skateboard," said former Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, before tossing up the honorary jump ball at this summer's Rucker Tournament..

   The amazing media coverage given to a guy like Armstrong- who essentially pedals a bicycle around for 50 miles- makes me think that the war in Iraq might be going worse than they're telling us. With gas prices Bushwhacking the economy, someone who can ride a bike 35 miles a pop may be the next MLK.

 

While Lance won this race, millions slept in Alabama.