Like gravy to potato, Luke to Darth Vader...

Autumn is the time to put away the boat and get out the puffy jacket. If you see someone wearing shorts and a hooded parka, it must be October in New England.

 

It's been a mild autumn here in the New Izzy. That Buffalo storm came to us as a nice rain. I was wearing shorts yesterday.

 

Foliage season down here doesn't peak until Halloween, and we usually get a windstorm before we get the full red/orange/yeller treescape. You get sort of dependent on the North side of the tree here.

Update: I wasn't lying about the windstorm... see?

Strong To Potentially Damaging West Winds May Develop Just Behind A Strong Cold Front Late Friday And Last Through Friday Evening. The Cold Front Will Move Quickly Through The Connecticut Valley By Mid Afternoon Friday... Reaching The Cape And Islands By Early Evening.

After The Front Passes West Winds Will Increase To 25 To 35 Mph With Gusts To 50 Mph Possible. The Strong Winds May Last Through Midnight. Since Most Trees Are Still Fully Leaved... These Wind Gusts Will Have The Potential To Be Damaging.

This picture is probably Art if the camera is in the right hands, but I'm pretty much just some dummy walking around in the forest.

 

God Damn... brother got shook for his G Unit shoes... in rural Buzzards Bay, MA.

 

You can dig for clams all year... but the principal manner around here is wading out up to your chest with a fat rake.... a little cold for this blogger, but different strokes/folks.

 Duxbury actually has it better... the tide empties the harbor, and you can sort of walk around in the muck while you dig.

Duxbury Bay

 

Looking up...

... then down.

 

 

Large Like Kamala

Photo Credit, Boston.com

59-27 so far, W/L ...  about even vs. the spread, roughly guessing.

Buffalo is on the menu this Sunday, and they gave us too close of a game last time. They deserve nothing less than a sound thrashing. With two weeks to prepare, the Pats should whip them like a lazy mule.

It simply doesn't look good for the Buffy Ones this week. Biff is coming off the indignity of being Detroit's first win last weekend. They have a the kind of raw kid quarterback that Belly Check eats alive. They have a guy who was the subject of an article called Worst Defensive Performance, referring to Buffalo cornerback Nate Clements and the abuse (160 yards) he suffered at the hands of Roy Williams.

They do try hard... and if my memory serves me correctly, they have at least one guy who can beat our line and smash Champagne Tom in the back for a TD fumble. Buffalo is also already in full winter mode after that October blizzard.

I still like the Pats, winning easily. We should roll over them like a heavy sleeper.

New England, 24-13

- Carolina at Cincy

This was quite a few people's idea of thios year's Super Bowl before we lit Cincy up like a fat J. Cincy then lost to a team that let their Qb get beaten so badly that he had to have his spleen removed.

Carolina, 20-19

- Green Bay at Miami

Someone hates Green Bay at the schedule-maker's office, because they don't get the Miami trip in December, when it would be more enjoyable. If you put Harrington's happy feet on Culpepper, you might actually have a player. As it stands, both of them suck.

Miami, 16-14

- Jacksonville at Houston

This one has all the fixins of a good old fahioned country ass whuppin. Houston stinks like a whale carcass. Jacksonville has a player who gets psyched up for the game by having someone slap him in the face repeatedly. Check this video: Jaguar Defensive Tackle John Henderson Will Eat Your Children | NFL Blog - The FanHouse

Jack, 27-13

- Philly at Tampa Bay

Going against the home dog... the last guy to play QB for this team had to have an organ removed.

Philly, 24-12

- Detroit at NYJ

Someone has to win... although they could tie. Detroit simply sucks too badly to win two straight. One of these teams may Bore the ball across the goal line.

NYJ, 7-6

- Pittsburgh at Atlanta

Unless Vick goes off, the Falcons will get stomped like one of those flaming dog bags kids do on Halloween. Maybe someone will yank polamalu down by the hair again.

Stillers, 18-10

- San Diego at Kansas City

If this were a WWE match, it'd be Kamala vs. Molly Holly. Kansas City deserves to lose for not actually being in Kansas. That's like the difference between a C+ and a B- on a geography quiz.

San Diego, 28-16

- Denver at Cleveland

This should be another curb-stomping. Denver might get 2 million yards rushing.

Denver, 24-7

Arizona at Oakland

The Raiders passed on Matt Leinart, and he played in their backyard. Randy Moss should love watching this kid throw strikes for Arizona while his own quarterback blows like the North Wind.

Arizona, 24-20

Minnesota at Seattle

The Vikings will be the team Seattle Slew.

S'awks, 21-17

Washington at Indy

Mr. October is at his peak effectiveness. Remember these days when he falls apart like a Korean TV in the playoffs. They miss Edge, and Edge misses them.

Indy, 34-10

- New York at Dallas

A nationally televised pounding for Nancy Drew Bledsoe. Someone may challenge the Mo Lewis Standard for smashing Bleddy in the chest.

NYG, 20-17

Sadly, they'll learn...

The Pats had a bye week, so I was able to spend a Sunday in non-football activity. So I went to a baseball game.

Sure, it was little league, and yes, it was October. I had a winter jacket on for the last few innings. Baseball is a summer sport, but New Englanders are tough.... we represent, even when it's -20 degrees (Ok, it was 51 degrees... but it was windy, and I'd been into the booze).

We had the Steelers/Chiefs game on the radio, but it wasn't anywhere near as compelling as the kid game. Tie score, bottom of the 6th (short kids, short games), man on first, two outs.... FOX would pay a zillion dollars to get the Yankees/Dodgers in that kind of scenario. A simple grounder should have ended it... but nothing is simple in Pony League, and a bad throw to first ended the tension.

That's why I always liked kid sports. I coached kids for a few years, and I can honestly say that I was more worked up for games during our 0-16 season than I was for the Patriot Super Bowl victories. But that's just me.

Still, kids are generally in it for fun. You don't see the nastiness you see with pro athletes. No kid at yesterday's game did anything like what we've seen in pro sports in the last few weeks, such as:

- Albert Haynesworth stomping on an opponent's face with his cleats.  This was nasty... see for yourself: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=172003507700369246&q=haynesworth&hl=en

I've heard various justifications for this act, but the only ones that worked for me are:

a) "I thought the victim's face was the ball."

b) he was upset that he didn't get his Vince Young bobblehead doll, despite being one of the first 10,000 people in the arena. Technically, he's right.

c) Haynesworth felt that his foe needed a "more open mind," and started the process off with 20 stitches to the temple.

d) "There was a scorpion on the guy's face."

e) "Times are tough. and I can save a lot of money on costumes by being scary enough IRL that I can just dress up as Albert Haynesworth for Halloween."

f) "There is a sizable cash award for being 'America's Scariest Black Man,' and they vote in October."

g) my favorite... "because I can."

- Troy Pomalu was running the ball, and Larry Johnson was just a hair away from catching him. Larry rectified this situation by yanking Pomalu down by the dreadlocks. In case you're wondering why this is funny, here's what Pomalu looks like:

Much like Steve Irwin being killed by the animals he surrounded himself with, this was one of those "it wasn't a matter of  if,  it was a matter of when " scenarios.

In case it ever comes up in conversation... tackling a guy by his wicked nappy hair isn't a penalty in the NFL.  Refusing to let go after is, and LJ took 15 yards for the team. "I swear I couldn't get my hands out of that mess," said Johnson, who professed to having great respect for Pomalu.

The Stee;ler's won, 45-7. No one was yanked down by the dreads at the Pony league game, btw.

- Steven Jackson lets off a few shots outside a strip club at 3 AM.

Jackson (who you may remember as the guy who landed the really nice haymakers during the Ron Artest crowd melee a few years ago) is doing his best to restore the image the Pacers had before the brawl. I may have the timeline wrong, but I think it went:

A) talking sh*t in the strip club

B) fistfight starts outside the club, with Jackson being punched in the face out of nowhere

C) Jackson gets hit by a car, and rolled over the hood

D) Jax gets his gun out of the car, and starts shooting.

E) The Pacers flee in a car, which the cops pull over. They find 3 guns and sack of the Kind.

I'd be armed if I were a millionaire, too.... especially if my fun often involved me being in the seedier parts of town. Still... if I were a millionaire, I'd stay out of the seedier parts of town to begin with.

I do like the fact that Jackson stayed in the brawl after he was struck by a car, and that his foes stayed in it long enough for Jackson to get off 5 shots. That's the kind of intensity that Larry Bird wants him to bring to the court. 

I also like the fact that Jackson has again shown that he will fight to protect his teammates. He went after 10,000 Detroit residents to protect Artest, and he took a car hood to the chest in this melee. Whatever his faults may be, Steven Jackson most definitely has your back... against anybody smaller than a large city.

Still.... few feel-good stories involve the lead-in of "I loaded my gun, picked up some weed, and headed off to the strip club."

I usually enjoy the dark side of sports, and these events listed above are no exception. I could watch that guy get yanked down by the mane 50 times and still laugh at it. But you need to balance it all off with a bunch of kids playing the game because they like it, and there's little else to do on a cold October afternoon in a small town.

I know, because I was there.

Go Shorty... It's Your Birthday

Friday is someone's Smurfday, and she is older than the av-er-age bear. Yes, I actually AM aware that it's Friday the 13th, and no, it doesn't bother me a bit.

I've never been that superstitious, and I don't think luck had anything to do with my being left an orphan, breaking the same leg twice, puking on my first date with my husband, getting mugged while on crutches, being in a car accident when I was pregnant, having a house wrecked by a Nor'easter every 7.2 years of my life, being embezzled from by a family member, being sent to the hospital by a turtle, being knocked unconscious playing soccer, or knowing that my daughters should be taller than I am by 6th grade or so- according to their doctor.

Nope... I live pretty much by logic, and some moral gymnastics that I call the Code Of The East... which, it is said, can mean whatever you need it to mean in a pinch.  I've seen the elephant in my own way during my spin on this here rock.

Smurf's pretty well-connected, even in Europe. She even has some dead friends, although some people are born posthumously. "God is dead," said Nietzsche... "Nietzsche is dead," said God, who generally gets the last laugh in these kind of situations. They're both wrong.

Generally, Smurf turns her column over in times of need to her protege, Beth in New Jersey. Not in October, though. That's when we bring in the heavy hitters.

I met Nietzsche after stumbling upon his MySpace page while looking for another Prussian friend of mine with a similar last name. We hit it off quickly (he's really, really into the WWE), and he agreed to fill in here while I'm off getting drunk and my protege is doing the Homecoming thing at her high school.

Fred knows little of football... but once you've perfected philosophy, you can apply it to most anything. It's a lot like cooking pasta... just throw it against the wall and see if it sticks.... no, not AFTER you put the sauce on it. Stephen actually though you could had to cook pasta in the sauce (you can, but not like he was thinking) before I got to know him. Yet, he weighs more than my sister and I combined.

We've had a long talk, Fred and I.... about what can and can't be said on the pages of Cape Cod Today. Fred had some funny ideas about Jews, Christians, Women, and just about everything else before he died of Loathing in 18whatever. He told me that he'd behave, although it's tough to threaten dead people with any sort of reprisal.

Anywho... I don't want any of you kids giving Nietzsche a hard time while I'm out, and we'll call if we're going to be late. If you misbehave, he'll crush the very foundations of your faith.

 

Buffalo at Detroit-

We have art in order not to die of the truth.

- Buffalo, 16-13

 

Carolina at Baltimore

A strong and well-constituted man digests his experiences (deeds and misdeeds all included) just as he digests his meats, even when he has some tough morsels to swallow.

Carolina, 17-9

 

Cincinnati at Tampa Bay

 The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

Cincy, 28-7

 

Houston at Dallas

 The great majority of men have no right to existence, but are a misfortune to higher men.

Dallas, 27-10

 

N.Y. Giants at Atlanta

What is good? All that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? All that is born of weakness. What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome

NYG, 13-9

 

Philadelphia at New Orleans

Morality is: the mediocre are worth more than the exceptions...I abhor Christianity with a deadly hatred.

Philly, 28-19

 

Seattle at St. Louis

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends.

Seattle, 20-13

 

Tennessee at Washington

'Faith' means not wanting to know what is true.

Washy, 12-7

 

Kansas City at Pittsburgh

The sick are the greatest danger for the healthy; it is not from the strongest that harm comes to the strong, but from the weakest.

Pittsburgh, 18-16

 

Miami at N.Y. Jets

Against boredom even gods struggle in vain

Miami, 3-0

 

San Diego at San Francisco

Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.

Diego, 31-7

 

Oakland at Denver

Swallow your poison, for you need it badly.

Denver, 24-6

 

Chicago at Arizona

The broad effects which can be obtained by punishment in man and beast are the increase of fear, the sharpening of the sense of cunning, the mastery of the desires; so it is that punishment tames man, but does not make him "better."

Chicago, 28-14

 

BYE WEEK:

Cleveland - It is possible to imagine a society flushed with such a sense of power that it could afford to let its offenders go unpunished

Green Bay . . . that every will must consider every other will its equal--would be a principle hostile to life, an agent of the dissolution and destruction of man, an attempt to assassinate the future of man, a sign of weariness, a secret path to nothingness.--

 Indianapolis... Without cruelty there is no festival: thus the longest and most ancient part of human history teaches--and in punishment there is so much that is festive!--

Jacksonville... In a man devoted to knowledge, pity seems almost ridiculous, like delicate hands on a cyclops

Minnesota... Madness is the exception in individuals but the rule in groups

New England...He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you

 

Weekend Assignment #133: Heroes of Free Speech

Deep Like The Shining

10/06/06 · 9:21 am      posted by Monponsett in East of Boston      [ Permalink ]

photo credit, www.boston.com The Smurf took a beating from the schedule last week, holding on to .500 by like two fingertips. Undaunted, she returns today to steer you down the road to Bolivian. I went 7 and 7 last week- which is a fine drink, but a poor way to make money gambling. Toss in the spread, and I did even worse... I figgered Indy to win by like 24, easy. So... the Smurf is 40-20 on the year, with a truly bad week in the rear view mirror. We only look forward here at the SS East Of Boston, so here's hoping I have wicked good luck with my calls on this week's entertainment. Remember... CapeCodToday.com does not condone gambling. We just discuss the betting lines on football games, and how we'd go about working against them. Don't take this column to the bank, either... you'll go broke fast betting on football tips given to you by a 5 foot French girl named Smurf... who has only been on a football field in a cheerleader skirt. Anywho... Miami at New England (-9 1/2) That guy who quit on the Miami Dolphins to smoke pot, travel to Nepal and play poorly in Canada? They miss him. Duante Culpepper has looked Bledsoeish in his immobility. The only way the offensive line could play any worse is if they turned around and tackled their own ball carriers. New England just blew out the media-darling Bengals, but are merely two weeks removed from the curb-stomping they took from the Broncos. They really have nobody to pass the ball to, which will hurt them when they play serious ball in January. The secondary- which was beaten like a stepchild against Denver- shut down an up-until-then fearsome Bangles air attack. The running game has looked superb. The law firm of Maroney and Dillon has been taking cases on a  contingency basis... the contigency being that unless we're playing Denver, we're gonna put about 180 yards on your defense.`Leads have a way of staying safe if you spend the fourth quarter running the ball at the defense... especially if they have to respect the big-play capability of Maroney while dealing again and again with the up-the-middle-pounding of Clock Killin' Corey Dillon. Miami has always been tough, and I can recall them bashing an eventual Super Bowl winner Patriots squad to round out a 2-14 season. That 9.5 point spread looks toooo heavy to mess with, leaving me in a situation where I'm betting against the team I love. That's the good thing about organized crime... the Patriots can still win, just as long as they don't do so convincingly. Pats, 17-13   Buffalo at Chicago (-10) If somebody took me up on the Rex Grossman injury bet last week, they'd be opening their mail to find a nice crisp $20 bill today. I'll still lay the bet out there... this dude is china-shop fragile. 'Plays with a helluva defense, though. Bears, 23-16   New York Jets at Jacksonville (-7) New Yawk hung with Indy's air show last week, so the slowest black QB in the NFL shouldn't be that hard to handle. Too bad they have to score themselves.... Jacksonville, 21-10   Oakland at San Francisco (-3 1/2) Someone has to win... unless they tie. Oakland needs it more, but San Fran has been bad longer, and have compiled more high level draft picks. 'Niners, 12-9   Kansas City (-3 1/2) at Arizona You just may see Matt Leinart start a new Cardinal dynasty as he takes over for the fumblin' bumblin' stumblin' Kurt Warner. Of course, I suppose that in order to see a new Cardinal dynasty, there would have had to have been an old Cardinal dynasty... but maybe the Gas House Gang counts, even if it was baseball and St. Louis. Kansas City, 14-10   Tennessee at Indianapolis (-18) Generally, you see the 18 point spread only when the two teams are "Nebraska" and "Iowa Pharmaceutical College." You can almost see someone else getting stomped by a frustrated Titan lineman, but it's the Titans themselves who will take the overall stomping. Indianapolis, 34-13   Cleveland at Carolina (-8) Things haven't gone as planned for the Pants, but Cleveland is a few years away from being a few years away from respectability. I'd even take the 18 point Indy spread with this one. Carolina, 35-16   Detroit at Minnesota (-6 1/2) It just can't get any worse for the Lions, and the only way they'll be picked to win this season is if I'm looking at the schedule and saying "They gotta win at least ONE game this year... why not this one?" Mini Soda isn't "this one," though... Vikings, 14-12   Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-6 1/2) Tampa's offensive line played so well last week, the quarterback had to have his spleen removed after the game. I'm not making that up. Never put money on a team that lets their QB get his spleen ruptured... unless it's the Patriots and Bledsoe, with a yet-unkown Brady watching from the bench. New O, 17-15   Washington at NY Giants (-4 1/2) October is Manning Time, so look for Eli the Younger to pad his stats on a Washington team that should be ashamed of what they're doing to poor Coach Gibbs and his once masterful reputation. NYG, 27-20   St Louis (-3) at Green Bay This is a good time to discuss the concept of the "home 'dog" theory. They say that you should never bet against the home team, unless the visiting team is truly a powerhouse. I had trouble typing KC as the winner in the above preview, while GB has truly looked horrible against all but the worst competition. I'll compromise by choosing against the home dog while calling for them to beat the spread. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I'm at peace with it. Slewy, 24-23   Dallas at Philadelphia (-2) The T.O. Bowl. An up-n-coming Dallas team is running into an Eagle joint that seems to be putting it back together. Look for T.O. to apologize to McNabb about everything after Nancy Drew Bledsoe gets sacked/throws one away/misses T.O. wide open in the end zone. It's like my sister told her boyfriend when she was cooking for him last week... "The soup won't seem so bad once you've tasted the chicken dinner I botched." Illy, 28-24   Pittsburgh at San Diego (-3 1/2) I can't tear me away from the vision of a still-mean Pittsburgh defense whaling on that semi-rookie San Diego QB like Moby. This game is a must-watch, although you may get to see it again in the AFC playoffs. Pittsburgh, 14-13   Baltimore at Denver (-4) I'm looking forward to this game far too much to bet on it. Baltimore could shut them out, or Denver could win so decisively that the Ravens are pretty much toast five games into the season. The truth, as it usually does, most likely lies somewhere in the middle. Broncos, 17-16

Hola, Gringo!

   The Pats are now at 2-1, with a dangerous game against the former Bungles coming up. It's quite possible that we'll be at .500 a quarter of the way through the season.

   This sucks, but it's tolerable. We still have 2 against an awful-looking Miami team, plus a Jets and Bills game. We can go .500 outside of our division, and quite possibly coast into the playoffs with minimal good luck required.

   New England is a good team in a bad stretch. At the moment, there isn't a serious WR on the team. We have maybe one good cornerback. Three of our linebackers add up to about 100 years old... and the fourth- Rosie Colvin- is the one with the bad hip.

   Our new kicker worries me. I played too much soccer in my day, and one comes to recognize that every human being kicks the ball their own way. If you aren't into soccer, think of it like how every NBA guy has his own particular jump shot, or how each golfer putts differently. Stevie G. kicks a low ball. He's had 2 stuffed already, and he's only played 4 games.

   Other than that, things aren't so bad. We have the franchise QB, which cures a lot of what ails ye. We have not one but two fine running backs. We have one of the top defensive lines in football, and the oldest one of them is 26. Even if we take a shellacking this weekend- and I think we will- it's just the dark before the dawn.

   This may even be a fattening of young Mr. Carson Palmer, a scenario where Belly Check lets a team empty both barrels into us while we play possum. It pays dividends in the playoffs, where we will almost certainly see the Bungles again. Belly Check is a savant, and savants do stuff like that.

   The Bangles are just getting used to elite status... and the scenario I painted sounds like just the sort of lumps a pretty boy like Palmer has to take in order to become a true leader. He'll thank us for it some day.

   The team has flaws that have to be addressed before that time comes, though... and this game will be anillustration of that fact. Cincy will be steady long-balling us like Tommy Lee, and- unless Chad Johnson suddenly becomes only the second best Chad catching balls that day- we won't have the horses to answer them.

Cincy, 31-21

 

Arizona at Atlanta

   Kurt Warner was even fumbling his words at the post game press conference. Only Peter Pan movies need Captain Hook more than Arizona does.

Atlanta, 24-10

 

Dallas at Tennessee-

    Parents of teens know that Vince Young is the BMW, the Titans are the teenage daughter, and the Titan fans rooting for Vince to guide that god-awful team are the date that wants her to get them to let him drive the BMW when they go out. Letting a teen drive your daughter around in a nice car is- ironically- like what they say about passing a football... 3 things can happen, and 2 of them are bad.

   If Dallas loses this game, there may be a few more people eating entire bottles of painkillers. I see T.O. going for 8 catches, 120 yards, and 2 TDs. I also see him being dead before 40, but that doesn't jump into this point spread.

Dallas, 17-12

 

Indianapolis at NY Jets-

   It's Mr. October Time! Watch Peyton Manning pad his stats in a meaningless game on a warm sunny day. It makes it that much more enjoyable when a 300 pounder slams him into the frozen muck in a playoff game.

Indy, 41-17

 

Miami at Houston-

   After this game, Texans coach Gary Kubiak will be so upset that he'll go out in the street and slap Mexicans.

Miami, 21-20

 

Minnesota at Buffalo-

   It's sad that the teams from the two snowiest climates play in October... although it's funny that the Dolphins have to leave Miami in the middle of December and play under 30 feet of snow in Buffalo.

Minnesota, 21-12

 

New Orleans at Carolina-

   We all enjoyed the 3-0 start and the spectacle at the Superdome last Monday. Short of a playoff run, the Saints now serve no purpose.

Carolina, 31-14

 

San Diego at Baltimore-

   I'd rather be a cute boy at a Horatio Alger festival than Phillip Rivers with that insane Ravens defense chasing him around all day. If he's the real thing, he takes this game.

San Diego, 17-16

 

San Francisco at Kansas City-

   I keep waiting for Herman Edwards to miss a game because he thought it was Saturday or something.

KC, 12-9

 

Detroit at St. Louis-

   If Matt Millen has his job after this season, he must have pictures of the owner sodomizing a Cub Scout.

St. Louis, 31-7

 

Cleveland at Oakland-

   Somebody HAS to win... unless they tie. I'm not sure if it's possible for a team to score only one point in football... but if it can  happen, this might be the game where we see it.

Cleveland, 1-0

 

Jacksonville at Washington-

   You get the sense that it simply isn't going to be Washington's year. Best quote I saw this year, about slow-footed/dark-skinned Jacksonville QB Byron Leftwich... "I'm not a slow quarterback. I'm just the slowest black quarterback."

Jacksonville, 24-6

 

Seattle vs Chicago-

   Like we were discussing before... three things can happen when you pass the ball, and two of them (incompletions and interceptions) are bad. With delicate Chicago QB Rex Grossman, you can add "Rex Grossman gets injured" to that mix. If someone gives me 5:1, I'll wager $100 that this is the week he gets injured.

Seattle, 10-9

"Tell him to send the National Guard"

Week 3

Das Patriots are 2-0, but they face a tough test in Denver this weekend. We started off easy with the J-E-T-S and Buffy, and we barely got by both of them. There's nothing easy about the Broncos. 

Denver has always had our number. They must have beaten us something like 200 straight years. I'm sure that the Broncos own a prominent place in Drew Bledsoe's nightmares, and they're the only team yet that made Champagne Tom Brady look like a sucker in the playoffs.

They have a superb running game- always have had it, now that I think about it. Christina Aguilera could go for 100 yards a game running in that system. Denver uses a cheapo chop blocking scheme that- for the uninitiated- basically involves throwing themselves into the knees and anterior cruciate ligaments of the other team's rushers.  They've crippled more men than polio, and I'll be wincing as they look to shorten the season of one of our superb young linemen.

They have a unique quarterback situation, in that the better QB is most likely not the one who will be running ship when the Broncs take the field. Jake the Snake Plummer has never truly had the confidence of his team, and Bill Parcells once said that the most popular guy on any bad team is the backup QB. Jay Cutler is a rookie, but how sharp he's looked is the talk of the NFL.

The defense is sort of patched together, although cornerback Champ Bailey is among the best at his position in the game. Fast, intelligent, good-looking... the kid reminds me a lot of myself, if I may be so bold.

You've seen as much of New England as I have, so we'll worry about them having nobody to throw to some other week. We can run the ball a bit ourselves, although New England/Denver games almost always end up as shootouts.

As for this week, I'll base my pick on something that won't come near the playing field- the abstract concept of the team's record. Bad teams start 2-0, and great teams start 0-2. You have to be careful not to blame the cold on the sneeze, though. Records don't mean much once the ball starts moving and the legs start breaking.

Still, Denver is 1-1 right now, and are probably far too good of a team to be 1-2 after 3 weeks. Likewise, I can't see Reche Caldwell starting for an undefeated team, and we're 2-0. This perfect storm of variables will collide with Sunday's game to give the Pats a 2-1 record that will still lead their division.

We may even see one of Belly Check's pet moves... the Fattening. Denver looks to be a team we'll meet again in the playoffs, God willing. New England is still ironing out a few kinks in the ol' roster/gameplan thingamajig. Nobody in the AFC East looks THAT good, so it's not like we can't afford to gag on one now and then.

Come out with the most vanilla offense you can, have a few key players fake injury to get a nice rest, show them nothing as far as how you'd really play them when the game matters, see exactly how they'll be coming after you when the game matters (they can't aford to lose this one and be 1-2) to them, and Win by Losing.

Belly Check is big into military history, and he no doubt knows that losing a battle may just win the war now and then. Lots of armies give up ground, so as to absorb an attacker. Hannibal did it at Cannae, and the Boche pulled sort of the same thing on my old hometown. Draw them into a trap by letting them think they hold the edge, then reach out and smack them down like a short-changed pimp when the games matter.

Double envelopement. They'll be too deep into the trap to extricate themselves, and it's one and out in January. I'd take Denver this week with any point spread you can find.

Denver, 30-13

I'm working without the spread this week, as I do every week. I never let the Mafia dictate my football calls. East Of Boston is 100% pure as the driven snow, although we'll be adding the point spreads once we get them.

I'm 24-8 this season, although- the last/only time I checked- I was 9-7 against the spread.

Chicago at Minnesota

Rex Grossman is the top-rated passer in the NFL at the moment. He's also the most injury-prone person walking God's Green Earth today. I'll go $20 with whoever wants some, saying he'll be injured for at least part of this season, if not all of it. He should be safe this week, though.

Chicago, 16-13

New York at Buffalo

New England's first two wins go at it for what is essentially the thrown bouquet of the AFC East. One of them will be 2-1 when the smoke clears, and quite possibly tied for the lead.. albeit with the team that already whipped their candy asses.

Jets, 13-12

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

Much like Denver always beats us, Pittsburgh always beats Cincy. These things become a self-actualizing prophecy, to the point where I could watch Big Ben pull his head out of a windshield and still bet on him to beat Cincy that very same day. Cincy is too good to get blown out, but I'd give a few points to the right bookie.

Pittsburgh, 18-14

Detroit at Green Bay

Both teams are winless. They can't both lose this game... although they can tie. OK.. Why not Detroit? Losing to the Millen Man March might give Brett Favre the impetus to retire before the O-Favre record becomes reality.

Detroit, 9-7

Indianapolis at Jacksonville

The NFL wants Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl, and one of the few important regular season games for the Colts is against a foe coming off a short week after playing the Super Bowl champs the previous Monday. The best part? Manning will still lose this January.

Indianapolis, 31-17

Carolina at Tampa Bay

Steve Smith returns for the Pants. Carol and Tampa are both 0-2. One of these teams is going to be essentially out of the playoffs by Sunday night, and my money is on the dork coach with the visor.

Carolina, 21-17

Washington at Houston

Another 0-2 battle occurs as billions sleep in blissful ignorance in Asia.

Washington, 21-16

Miami at Tennessee

Miami is having a rough year, but they simply HAVE to be good enough to beat a Tennessee team that might lose to the Bourne High powderpuff winner.

Miami, 17-10

Baltimore at Cleveland

I'm tempted to go for the shutout here, but I'll give Romeo Crennel the benefit of the doubt. I'll also give him an 8 point spread.

Baltimore, 15-6

Philadelphia at San Francisco

Philly doesn't miss T.O. They just miss having a wide reciever that may actually score. The Niners have improved, but Rome wasn't built in a day, folks.

Philly, 24-10

St. Louis at Arizona

My sister worked at a Red Lobster in Arizona, and she claims that she saw Cardinals behemoth Leonard Davis eat 13 lobsters in a sitting. My bet this week is based on that, and that alone.

Arizona, 17-16

New York Giants at Seattle

Another Manning  at QB, which means that the New York Football Giants will look like gangbusters in October before falling apart like a Korean TV set in the playoffs. This game helps solidify that future reality.

NYG, 28-14

Atlanta at New Orleans

It's probably evil of me to wish that a tropical storm would hit New Orleans for what is essentially their Homecoming game after a year-long Katrina-motivated absence. Still... good TV is good TV, and trust me... they laugh at us during our blizzards. One of my best friends is from Ponchatoula, Louisiana, so I'm not just making this up. I see the Saints taking a terrific beating at the hands of Ron Mexico.

Hotlanta, 28-10