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Baseball season is winding down, and the Sox are guaranteed at least a playoff berth. Whether we'll be hosting said playoff games remains to be seen, but we're in the driver's seat. Prior to the battle Of New Orleans, the British sent Andrew Jackson a message implying that they'd be having their Christmas dinner in Chocolate City. "That may be the case," Jackson replied, "but I shall be presiding over that dinner."

 Much like the Founding Fathers outlasted the Limey Poofters, the feeling in this column is that the Red Sox will march on a road of bones to another World Series title. I should add that I'm a substitute columnist here, and that the regular columnist is in a coma to prevent her from killing someone if the Yankees pull some Bucky Dent-type snit.

I should also add that I had a pink "B" hat before they became fashionable, and the way to tell a fan from an arriviste is if said pink hat is all beaten up.

October looks to be Heart Attack time, so we'll say good-bye to summer with some nice football talk on a calm, sunny afternoon. I refuse to go to my local high school football games until the weather is cold enough to merit drinking hot cider, but we have the NFL to keep us occupied until then.

The Pats rolled over Buffalo to the tune of 38 points, and this one was only close for a quarter. Cincy is up next, and they should be a good warmup for the inevitable Indianapolis clash. We see Indy in the regular season, but one gets the sense that the real game plans will be coming out in the playoffs. Still, Cincy is another passing attack with some talent, and it will be good to tune up on them.

Cincy was supposed to be much, much better than they are. They have a #1 overall draft pick at QB who actually panned out (ours was a statue, but we got the Franchise is the 6th round a few years later). They have a runner good enough that they let Clock Killin' Corey Dillon go a few years ago. They have a huge offensive line. They have a bevy of talented receivers.

Unfortunately, you also have to play Defense in football, and their defense blows like the mighty North wind. They gave up like 70 points to an inept Cleveland squad earlier this year, and were basically the easy whore of Mr. Touchdown USA when we played them last year.... and they don't seem to have gotten much better.

Therefore... this Monday night, in front of a packed house and billions of fans on TV... the Patriots will walk out onto the field and stomp the Bangles like they were one of those flaming doggy bags that mean kids leave on the doorsteps of people who don't come correct with the Halloween candy. We'll hold their face into the wet carpet of inequality, then whack them on the nose with the rolled-up paper of Destiny.

I don't see us giving Indy the so called "A Game" in the regular season. Belly will want to bring out some surprises for our old friend Mr. Manning. We'll play them very vanilla, and will probably lose- perhaps for the only time this year.

However, I see us using a lot of the same things on Cincy that we'll use in the playoffs against Indy. Look on it as a sort of NFL Yom Kippur War, where the US and Soviets got to see all their military stuff tried out in a theater that doesn't result in the loss of Minsk or Seattle. Cincy is a good team, with a few minor problems to solve before they become contenders... but they're in the way of destiny, and destiny calls for New England to layeth the 38-21 smackdown on those poor Riverfront sons-of-witches.

Elsewhere in the N... where your favorite pig-tailed prognosticator is a respectable 30-18 so far this season (two 11-5 weeks sandwiched around an 8-8 stinker that featured wins by Detroit, Arizona, Houston and Cleveland).

 

Houston 13, Atlanta 9

Houston is 2-1, and will actually look a contenderish 3-1 after polishing off a doomed Falcons squad.

 

Baltimore 24, Cleveland 14

Baltimore is sort of the anti-Cincy... they can't throw worth a damn, but it's a bugger to score on them.

 

Miami 20, Oakland 13

Miami doesn't stink this badly, and Oakland should win about once a moon or so.

 

Chicago 10, Detroit 7

Chicago hanging an L on Detroit would go a long way towards making the NFC division standings make more sense. Rex Grossman turned in one of the worst games I've ever seen last week, but Detoit is Detroit.

 

NY Jets 17, Buffalo 16

Buffy hung with us for a quarter, but I always put my money on the more Cape Cod-ish team, and the Mangina's presence on the Jet sidelines leads me to favor them by one.

 

Green Bay 20, Minnesota 13

Minnesota has a fine team right down to the quarterback, who might lose to a good high school team. Green Bay will be the worst 4-0 team in history, although it's tough not to root for their silly redneck QB.

 

Dallas 24, St. Louis 23

Slewy can score, but they got slapped silly last week. Dallas was on the same field when Rex Grossman beat his own team. That's good enough for the extra point.

 

Pittsburgh 17, Arizona 14

Arizona is good-getting-better, but Pittsburgh hasn't fallen far enough from the SuperBowl perch to lose to them yet.

 

Carolina 24, Tampa Bay 17

I think that the Bucs should go back to those sweet old school orange jerseys, as (especially) should the Broncos. I punish them for it by choosing them to lose this game.

 

Seattle 13, San Fran 12

San Fran paid big money to Darrell Jackson, who Seattle refused to pay said big money to. Seattle developed this philosophy after paying big money to D-On Branch, who, ummm... let's just say that he didn't bring them any Super Bowls. I personally think that Seattle made the correct decision.

 

Indy 28, Denver 27

I almost lived dangerous and went with the Bronk Hos, but I see Indy/New England being a battle of unbeatens, and this loss- which could happen- would screw things up. Sorry, Denvah!

 

San Diego 38, KC, 17

Sandy has looked putrid all year, but they can re-establish some statistical balance by stuffing their yards-per-carry against this not-this-year-fellas bunch from the midwest.

 

Philly 30, NY Giants 28

This looks like a helluva game, and the Giants are my 3rd favorite team... but I'll go with Filthy-delphia.

"Might Wanna Get It On Tape, Son"

Not since High Plains Drifter have I seen someone take that bad of a whipping. San Diego has a great tailback, a gamebreaking tight end, they're good on both lines, and have been waiting for a rematch with the Patriots all winter/spring/summer....

 And we beat them like they were slow to harvest our cotton crop.

No taping needed. We were on them like a cheap suit. We shut down LT, made Rivers look like a punk, and generally treated them "like the bear treats the rabbit," as they say in Maine.

For starters... was that Adalius Thomas a superb pickup, or what? He's strong, fast... and look how well he's mastered the Patriot defensive scheme, which even NASA types describe as "complicated." You can wait your whole life for your team (coughBruinscough) to find such a perfect fit in free agency, and doggone it if we didn't do it TWICE last offseason (well... once via trade).

I mean, we may as well extend Randy Moss right now. He was simply Man Amongst Boys last weekend, and is on pace to score about 24 touchdowns this season... and, as he skipped preseason, he may score even more as he gets warmed up.

Art Shell and Andrew Walter should be banished for life from the NFL, because I can't see how Moss was so invisible the last two seasons in Oakland. I mean, it's not like he was held back by playing San Diego twice a year... seeing how he shredded those fools like cabbage last Sunday.

High-powered offense, punishing defense, preternatural coaching, and a code of ethics that can be changed to mean whatever we need it to... it looks like a fun season in Foxboro. We also knock up actresses, then dump them for supermodels.

You just KNOW that ol' Peyton Manning is wetting himself watching those games. He has to realize that this current squad has been assembled for the express purpose of stomping his corn-fed ass, and he barely got past a much weaker Pats team last winter. I can't wait for Pats vs. Indy.

We're almost tempted to allow Stacey out of her coma, but the Yanks are within 3.5 games and the stress would most likely kill the poor girl. And, to be honest, "coma" might be the wrong term. The doctors were getting sort of wimpy regarding the ethics of keeping a perfectly healthy woman in a sports related preventative coma, so we sort of improvised.

Lately, we've been allowing her to do her thing during the day, and we send her off into the arms of sleep before Sportscenter comes on. Usually this is done by me KOing the Smurf with an ether-soaked rag, although there have been a few occassions where I had to pin her down and smother her out with my hands.

This isn't normal babysitter duty.... but her sister won't fight her, and the Colonel- who saw combat in Iraq and Mogadishu- will only hold her legs down after I've rendered her supine. Stacey is small and slight, but she fights like a wildcat. I usually have the advantage of attacking from out of nowhere, and so far so good.

Granted, all this babysitting has sort of interfered with my school work... but the Colonel went to my school and straightened everything out. While I don't want to imply that money changed hands... I now have a 4 period out of school elective bracketing my 3 Rs Book Learning Stuff, and Bourne High breaks ground on the new indoor track facility next spring.

Speaking of money.... it's time to go through this week's NFL schedule and see who will be making us money this week.... We'll start off by giving New England a 31-14 victory over hopelessly overmatched Buffalo.

 

Pittsburgh 17, San Fran 16

One team going up, one team going down... I bet the score will be reversed if they meet again next year.

 

Baltimore 12, Arizona 10

Arizona's one playoff win since 1947 (including time in St. Looey) is more Poe-esque than anything Ray Lewis does.

 

Indy 31, Houston 7

While Reggie Bush was rushing for 30 yards in the season opener, Mario Williams (who the Tex passed on Bush for) was the NFL Defensive Player Of The Week.

 

Philly 35, Detroit 21

Only Peter McNeely's 2-0 start was less impressive than Detroit's.

 

San Diego 41, Green Bay 13

It's never good playing someone who got slapped like a ho on national TV the week before, especially when they waited all year for that  game... LOL

 

NY Jets 17, Miami 16

Even Coach Belly wouldn't want a tape of this stinker game.

 

Kansas City 12, Minnesota 10

Larry Johnson looked taller in his granmama commercials.

 

St. Louis 28, Tampa Bay 7

The fact that "Tampa" is how a Bostonian pronounces "tamper" will have little or no effect on this rout.

 

Oakland, 10, Cleveland 7

If Oakland starts the season with losses to Cleveland and Detroit, they should be banished to Sacramento or something.

 

Denver 28, Jacksonville 17

Never ditch quarterback A until you have quarterback B lined up, Jacko.

 

Cincy 48, Seattle 47

"Bengal" is Latin for "bet the over."

 

NY GIants 21, Washington 18

I'm rooting for Eli every time he plays Peyton, and I don't know why.

 

Carolina 28, Atlanta 6

The NFL should let Michael Vick play, but they should drown him when he loses.

 

Dallas 7, Chicago 6

Fantasy football fans know that it's sometimes better to just not play a quarterback than it is to send Rex Grossman out there. That kid could piss off Guy Smiley.

 

New Orleans 27, Tennessee 19

I still have Katrina sympathy for Chocolate City. Conversely, my post 9/11 sympathy for NYC was played out by October... but the Great Lady and I have had our differences over the years.

Death From Above

We're thisclose to trotting out Dr. Monponsett, but the doctors thought that it might be better for everyone if we put her into a medically-induced coma until the Sox finish their series in the Bronx. Seeing as how Johnny Demon did us in last night, I have to score one for the doctors

It's been a fun summer. The Monponsetts pay very, very well.... especially seeing that all I do is cook for the family and walk the border collie. I spent, by my own conservative estimate, 420 hours sunbathing this summer.

I feel for the Colonel, who was most likely counting on spending the summer with his wife- but, as they say.... sometimes people's heads explode, and you just sort of have to adapt.

 Seeing as the Colonel's well-being sort of falls into my realm of responsibilty as the babysitter, I decided to take him to the air show at Otis this weekend. The Colonel is a military man, and I figured that this would be right up his alley.

I love air shows.... Your Tax Dollars At Work. Living near the air force base, I get to see lots of planes/copters/jets/etc flying over the Compound. Generally though, they're mostly doing the straight mission- while I'm sure that pilots occassionally do Top Gun-worthy buzzing of the tower shenanigans, I've never seen them goofing around any closer to the base than Duxbury Beach. They'd fly really low, waving out the door they usually shoot from... and, if they looked good from a distance, my friends and I would show a little leg/chest/smiling.

Hey... freedom isn't free, they're defending us, and they deserve to see a bit of teenage thigh now and then. We all have to do our part, and my babysitting money is untouched-by-the-IRS cash. I honor our troops.

Depending on how you like to view air shows, it's a good/bad idea to attend one with a military man. The Colonel knew all about every plane that showed up. "They use those to attack tanks" or "Those are interceptors" was pretty much all I heard on that sweltering day.

I  just like the power, and could care less about the job the planes perform. I get a real rush out of watching some man-made falcon come screaming down out of the skies, with that ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sound they make scaring all the children for 5 miles in any direction.

Gabrielle and Melissa were alternately terrified and excited as the show went on. Melissa is just young enough that she thinks planes are a sort of bird, and she tended to cower behind the Colonel or I whenever one got too close.... "too close" meaning "she could hear them." While she's just a kid, this is probably the proper reaction to a fighter-bomber.

Gabby was more philosophical about the planes. "What do they do?" This is tough to explain to a child, as "They kill whoever disagrees with our foreign policy" is a tough answer to drop on a kindergartner. "Those make sure that the soldiers on the ground are protected" was the best answer I saw the Colonel give. This beat my answers, which- depending on how much wine I'd consumed- went from "They've come to get pic-a-nic baskets" or "You know when we go to the gas station....?"

I was a little disappointed that the air show didn't feature any actual bombing. I'd love to see them Billy Mitchell an old battleship out in Buzzards Bay, and I have enough Showman in me to know that this would be a kick-ass finale. I suppose that would get messy in a couple of years, but still...

I tried to get pictures, but they all sucked pretty badly. You could see a black mass against the sky, and zooming in only made it UFO blurry. I also tend to blog when the Colonel is at work (or when Senator Kennedy isn't over hogging the computer), so I had no means of identifying the individual jets.

I think you'll all be OK... as long as we cover some sports before the kids want their lunch.

The Red Sox, as we mentioned, are in the Bronx for a three game series with the Yankers. We're all in full Jihad mode here at the Compound, and we're giving NY tourists the requisite Wrong directions again. "Right over that bridge, up Rte. 3, take the Hanover Mall exit." Yup, it's wrong. Nope, I don't care.

I went to NYC with the Monponsetts once, and spent most of my free time walking around the town. I was treated quite rudely, from when I took too long crossing a street to where I stopped a stranger on 42d St. to ask where the museum was... and he sent me to a peep show called "The Cook, The Thief, The Lover, And The Big Black Ex-Marine Who Ended Up Banging All Of Them." I missed it when I watched this year's Tony Awards, but maybe the judges were put off by the lengthy title.

Regardless... I view America's leading city as sort of a big sewer, and I wish nothing but misery on those who wear their colors. Eff them... this is no time for innocence, and the good die young and hard here in the Olde Towne.

Boom Chowderhead

Elle here, holding down the fort in advance of Monponsett's return.

There isn't a set recovery time when someone's head suddenly swells up because of yet another Red Sox collapse. Shucks, I guess the collapse isn't even complete yet, seeing as we still lead the AL East.

Yet... like some people who can tell when rain is coming by the pain in their bad knee... there may be those among us who can pretty much see the Yanks overtaking us in mid September, when the summer heat has gone and there can be no mistaking the onset of the Dying Season. When that happens, it's only natural that the head would swell up to watermelon-size.

At least that's what the doctors told me. They don't have/need a name for it. They even seemed reluctant to talk about it, for reasons beyond the fact that my basic raison d'etre in the Monponsett family is to walk the dog and to cook the family's meals.... which isn't as easy as it sounds, seeing as the Colonel (I don't know his actual name) is perfectly capable of polishing off an entire spiral ham or a dozen ducks eggs in a sitting. I spend a lot of time going to and from the local farmer's market, and the people there are quite used to my comings and goings.

But back to the swollen head stuff. I had a sense that the doctors knew more then they were letting on. Maybe heads are blowing up all over New England. The police write it off as murders or suicides. The local news ignores it... maybe at gunpoint. You only hear hushed whispers on the street.

How deep does the conspiracy run? Perhaps only a dogsitter has the time to tie together all the loose ends... or should I say loose shards of brain matter?

A recent scientific report (3 people surveyed) showed that 100% of all Americans put no faith at all in the findings of the Warren Commission. I mean... some whacko is able to squeeze off two perfect shots into the head of a moving target? A heavily guarded US President gunned down in the street like a mad dog? Factor in the CIA and the Mafia and the Cubans... there's just too much smoke for there to be no fire.Something happened... and it most likely is nothing at all like whatever Mr. Warren and his gang of stooges say.

Picture this.... The crazed lunatic misses JFK and hits the Texas guy. The CIA or the Mafia manage to put a bullet right into JFK's neck... and, as he begins to die of that wound, JFK- a Boston kid, remember- realizes that he won't live to see the Sox win it all. His head then explodes from the sheer horror.

I have another theory regarding Tecumseh, but I'll hold off on that one until I cook and blog for a Shawnee family. Back to the chowderhead.

Granted... a person being able to inflict enough psychic force upon themselves to cause their own head to explode is pretty hard to swallow.... but so is that Magic Bullet theory, and mine has baseball in it. Given the acceptance of Exploding Red Sox Fan Head Theory, I pretty much got this entry done AND solved the Crime of the (last) Century. Not bad for a high school girl, no?

I ran this theory by Senator Kennedy when he was by last week (he stops in now and then to use the computer), and he admitted- off the record, of course- that my theory was no less sound than the Warren stuff.

As for Dr. Monponsett.... she's back home, her head is normal sized, and we're planning her return to coincide with the start of the NFL season. We're gonna try to avoid baseball.

Hi

Just on the road a lot... be back soon!

Discarded Celtics all Star Team

Before anyone gets too happy about the Celts dealing youth for a veteran... here's the Celtics We Gave Up On All Star Team:

C- Ben Wallace... Detroit's title team anchor was ours for the asking, but Pitino didn't like him. He went on to become the NBA's best defensive center since Olajuwon.

G- Chauncey Billups.... Speaking of people Pitino didn't likem Chauncey won the Finals MVP after Rick gave up on him after 30 games or so. He was our last good point guard.

G- Joe Johnson... Given away for spare change (Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers)that got us one playoff series win or so, he's now a franchise player for Atlanta. He can play the point, too.

F- Antoine Walker... I was never that sold on him, but we have a bench guard, a ghetto troublemaker and an expiring contract to show for him.

F- Ricky Davis..... Ricky Buckets had a lousy personality, but he could guard people better than that stiff Wally can.

May as well have a bench team...

C- Tony Battie

F- Danny Fortson

F- Bruce Bowen

G- Mike James

G- Chucker Atkins

May as well have two bench teams....

C-Mark Blount

F- Tony Battie

F- Gin Baker

G- Marcus Banks

G-Eric Williams

Waiting For The Next Tsunami

 

Knowing that Danny Ainge is wheeling and dealing to save the Celtics is like watching a mongoloid play with the fuse box... something spectacular is about to happen, and it probably won't be pretty. The damage may be extensive and slow to heal, as well.

Having been robbed by the ping pong balls of the draft lottery, we can't take the easy way (Oden) out. The team sucks, and looks to suck for a while... unless Ainge can pull something off.

Unfortunately, that involves Ainge making some sort of trade. Nothing good happens when Danny picks up the phone... he even f***s up Domino's when he tries it. Unfortunately, we're the ones who have to eat the pizza he comes up with.

Here's the trade scenarios careening about them thar Internets:

A) Kevin Garnett for Jefferson, Green, Ratliff, Bassy, and the #5. There is also a secondary Jefferson/Sczerbiak(I'm from Europe, and I can't spell Wally's last name)/#5 pick one working for KG as well. Pierce for KG could work, with the right herbs and spices.

B) Pierce and the #5 to LA, Tyrus Thomas/Ben Gordon/PJ Brown to Boston, and Kobe to Chicago

C) Jefferson, the pick, and change for Shawn Marion

Now... I like KG, but Jefferson can give us 20/10 for the next dozen years. Only a fool trades that for 5 years of KG. the Chicago trade looks like 3 nickels for a quarter, and Marion is a 6'7" power forward who I wouldn't touch with your unit. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't take KG if I could get him without losing Jefferson (a descendant of Thomas?). I'd trade Pierce and change for KG like thisquick.

KG doesn't make the playoffs in the more competitive West, but he and Pierce would be a top 4 team in the East. Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Miami... and the new Celts would have a shot at any of them. Moving from the West to the East is sort of like spending US dollars in the Sudan... 1=1.5, and so forth. You become a more valuable player in the East. Lebron James and no one else at all made it to the finals this year... Pierce and KG could beat the Cavaliers, easily.

The fun guy in all this is Kobe. He recently did an interview where he shat on his coach, as well as fellow Laker Andrew Bynum. When fans asked him if he was going to stay with the Lakers, he said "Buy a Bulls jersey, boys." If Pierce, Green and the #5 could get Kobe (who most likely would use his no-trade clasue to get out of playing for the weak Celtics)... well, that probably isn't going to happen.

Ratliff's value is in his mammoth, expiring contract. Trading Bassy is addition by subtraction. Green has frightening talent, but he's a year or two away. I couldn't trade Wally fast enough. The #5 pick could be Dwayne Wade great or Samaki Walker awful. Pierce is a prime 'o' career star, and Jefferson could rule the low post until my kids graduate.

It's a difficult decision, and one I wish wasn't being made by Danny Ainge. Teams generally get better... Ainge's team has gotten steadily worse. I have liked maybe 3 of his trade/draft picks out of a dozen. He had to blow a pick last year (Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy) to get rid of the Raef contract. He's beaten this this franchise like a lazy cotton slave, and not just Stacey Franchise.

The draft is next Thursday, and God only knows what will go on between now and then. The Lord does work in many a strange and wonderful way.