80 degree June day... time for some Hockey Talk!

The Bruins picked up a new coach tonight... former Jersey Devil Claude Julien, who would make a nice potato. He managed to lose his job after a 43-28 season, which most likely would be an unrealistic goal for his new team.

The Bruins ditched the old coach- Dave Lewis- late Friday night, in a move they were maybe hoping everyone missed. Firing a coach is an admission of failure, and the last one they fired was as were were about to attack Iraq. You try to avoid the front page when you admit that your team has no direction.

I'm old enough to remember when hockey ruled this town, at least from October to April. Now, it's sort of worked in with the general NHL malaise... which is basically the fact that about 75% of the country views it as a sort of goofy regional thing, like skiing or Hogzilla hunting. Hockey right now is sort of what NASCAR was back in the day... something popular on one side of the Mason/Dixie line that was essentially incomprehensible on the other.

The last Stanley Cup broadcast was beaten by test patterns and C-SPAN in the ratings, prompting talk that the NHL should maybe pay ESPN or MTV to show their games. This defense-in-depth strategy is winning by losing... a nice thing to do if you're Russia, but a bad thing to do if you have to sell advertising. Lack of interest kills on TV.

The NHL is sort of like a divorced woman who is back on the scene... but a lot older now, and not nearly as cute. Suitors are rare, like a white Globetrotter. This isn't 1978, when the only thing on TV was 3 sitcoms and a old movie. Hockey really, really took the worst beating among the old guard when cable TV came about.

Hockey deserves better, and here's how I'd alter the game on a whim:

 

- Women

First... every roster should be forced to include a female goalie. Even if she only plays in blowouts and exhibition games, it gives the NHL something to act snobby about. ESPN can't ignore that... and hey, maybe one of 'em will actually end up kicking some ass at some point.

While we're in the skirts... why not cheerleaders? Hockey has two ponderous breaks between periods, which is death in a sport where scoring is rare. Instead of "let's watch that icing replay again" or "My God.. the forechecking!"... we can have Girls.

I can live with either Sleazy or Cheesy, too. A straight up dozen slut cheerleaders would work, as would a family-friendly Ice Capades show. "Who cares about the score... I see 24 cold-pert nipples."

 

- Crossover Events

While American Idol qualifying rounds are too much to ask for, maybe MMA, WWE, skateboarding, or MTV can mine some gold out of this Nevada ghost town of a sport. Why not sitcoms? "Look... House is playing goal."

 

- Take On All Comers

Every night, one audience member (maybe culled from the season tickets rolls) gets to come out onto the ice and

A) fight the hometown team's goon, on skates

B) Put on the goalie suit and try to stop an NHL player on a breakaway.

If they win (or perhaps survive a certain amount of time), they get $2500 or something. In the same vein, though not worthy of it's own letter.... they should try to work some sort of Lottery into home games. 1:9000 is better odds than you'll get at Mega Millions.

 

-Asians

Each team should also take on one Asian player, even if they suck. At worst, you make him a goalie... then send out a masked Canuck wearing For Chek's jersey. This opens up the lucrative Asian markets to the NHL, and a billion Chinese can't be wrong.

 

- Negative Equals Positive

Each team should employ several fringe players who serve no other purpose than to get arrested a lot... thus keeping the team's name in the papers. When stopping for a drink on the way home brings about the possibility of being beaten by some dude named Guy... you're that much closer to being a hockey town.

 

- Clear Helmets

While a glass fishbowl helmet would do more harm than good... it is the best visual representation of what I'm suggesting here. Maybe some Plexiglass. All Canadians look alike to me, but some people might enjoy this Look,

 

- Curved Sticks

While I was never that good at hockey myself... one of the first things everybody did in gym class on Floor Hockey day was to take the plastic stick blade and bend it until it resembled a scythe blade or something. This would bring about a jai-alai sort of high speed to our games, and usually result in someone getting hit in the pants. A curved stick in the hands of a professional might even punch through Plexiglass, thus making the prior option obsolete,

 

- Kids

Draw in local interest by letting kids decide overtime games by a 4 on 4 or something. Bruins fans will see the Mini One On One spectre that I wish to evoke.I'd love to have $5000 riding on a 5th grader... "Skate faster, you little SOB!"

 

Purists might moan a bit, but they'll be moaning a lot more if hockey goes the way of the Dodo. Implementing all my changes at once might be a daunting task... so they should try to work it all in slowly, like over 25 games or so. It'll probably take that long to train the Asians anyway.

Swole

Barry Bonds coming to your town is like a sort of regional Check Your Values session.

Barry currently has 747 nome runs... which is ironic, considering his luggage-sized head. That's less than 10 away from breaking Hammering Hank's record. He has smashed more horsehide than anyone who has ever tried our national pastime. Babe Ruth wishes he hit 747 homers... well, if he wasn't dead, of course.

A lot of people aren't falling over themselves to give Barry the respect that 747 home runs should confer. They don't like the idea that Bonds may have been on steroids while he piled those numbers up. They say that Barry enjoyed an advantage that few others had, and that the steroids essentially made it a Man vs. Boys situation. They say that his numbers are tainted somehow.

Peeps are quick to disparage Barry...but being in a hurry can make even the best look bad. Here's a quote from Napoleon, after he met a funds-seeking Robert Fulton... he of the steam engine. "You would make a ship sail against the winds and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? Excuse me, I have no time to listen to such nonsense"

Napoleon could never bash one over the Monster, though... so keep that in mind when judging him. The concept of improved performance through chemical reaction was foreign to the Little Corporal, who rarely got into anything heavier than the Courvoisier. Had steroids been around in 1805, though... you know Nap would have advocated their usage among his soldiers. He would have never said anything like "in warfare, the mental is to the physical as three is to one."  Naw... it'd be all about juicing up and killing Russians.

Of course, Napoleon lost. He was driven from power, sent into exile, and eventually had hus Unit cut off (which is true... it is currenly in the possession of a urologist, who bought it on auction for like $30,000)... which is far worse than anything steroids will do to you, kids.

Here's what I think of the whole situation. I'm sort of torn, so I'll work in list mode, as opposed to thinking out an argument and presenting it in some sort of build-to-a-climax manner. We don't have time for that kind of shi* here at the Cape Cod Times.

- Talk about Babe Ruth all you want... but I'd take "not playing against blacks or Hispanics" over "taking a drug that gives me greater power" nine times out of ten when Outrageous Advantage was being handed out. You can only respect Hammerin' Hank these days... cuz Double H never did steroids, and played against all comers.

- In all fairnes to the Babe....the best steroids money can buy will only let you hit about 40 more moners than a fat 1920s guy who never lifted anything heavier than a dozen beers.... and remember, Babe only did 154 game seasons.

- Here's a good Before/After shot of Barry... "before/After" meaning "around when Barry started doing the steroids..... (note: that pic ended up at the top... I'm barry, barry sorry.

- Killing some Koreans is one thing... but if steroids were around in 1950, I wonder if Ted Williams would have had the courage to Get Big. In this regard... and with the likelihood that they'll invent a harmless steroid some day... Barry Bonds is sort of a trailblazer... a kind of Jacked Robinson.

- You cannot deny the fact that, by taking all those steroids into his system personally, Barry Bonds kept those drugs out of the hands of children.

- Rafeal Palmiero should be more ashamed of his Viagra commercials than his steroid use. I almost swore off men after seeing that nonsense.

- Mark McGwire- who used to keep his andro right in his locker, and would talk about it freely- retired just in time to save that Brawny Papaer towel gig.

- The Yakuza will intervene before Barry threatens Sanduhara Oh's international record of like 800+

- I wondee how Mickey Mantle would have fared if he were steroid-juiced instead of regular-juiced.

- I can see a point where steroids are harmless, and players are considered effete for not using them.

- The Mendoza Line for Steroid personality.....YouTube - Ultimate Warrior is Insane

-

Just want to let you know about a book a friend of mine (Eric Mirlis) recently had published.  "Being There" is about 100 broadcasters, writers and celebrities describing the top five sporting events they have personally attended.  A lot of the men in your life would find it enjoyable and get a kick out of it.   It's a great (and inexpensive) gift idea for all sports fans for any occasion -- whether it be your father, brother, husband or a friend. Of course, don't forget Father's Day is this weekend?

 

I have included the amazon.com link...feel free to forward this e-mail to anyone who may be interested.

 

Amazon.com: Being There: 100 Sports Pros Talk About the Best Sporting Events They Ever Witnessed Firsthand: Books: Eric Mirlis

Tags: Steroids r Good

Cleveland vs. San Antonio

 

I'm still sort of basketball focused since that rabbit-punch of a draft last month. Ten years may pass before I recover from that, and there's a chance that it haunts me like that Buckner thing. The gem of the draft 10 years ago- San Antonio meal ticket Tim Duncan- was stolen from us then, just as Greg Oden was stolen from us last month.

Mr. Duncan heads into the NBA finals as the odds-on favorite to score yet another championship. Although it is true that The Cape Cod Times does not condone, facilitate or advocate betting of any kind, I'd wager that Cleveland is outed in 5 games. I'd look for them to get smoked in the first game in San Antonio, lose a close one in game 2, lose again in game 3, stave off a loss in game 4, then finally succumb in game 5.

All that goes out the window if Duncan or LeBron James suffer injuries. While neither man is a One Man Gang on his team, each of them is indeed the Straw That Stirs The Drink.

I make this prediction becawz:

- San Antonio employs a man who was just featured in this very column recently... the dirtiest player in the game, as they say... Mr. Bruce Bowen.

Bowen is a good bet to kick LBJ in the ankle at some point, slowing him to the degree that he can't go all Jordan on them. That's what he does... that's all he does.

He'd make a superb Ken Linseman-type hockey player, but the black man has not yet chosen to dominate that sport.

- Cleveland's interior defense will be the Easy Whore to Tim Duncan's sailor-on-leave. If he's shooting 60%, Cleveland is toast.

- The possibility of some sort of border incident involving Manu Ginobili is quite low.

- After LeBron, the best optionon Cleveland is an almost preternaturally stiff 7'3" Lithuanian guy who I think is old enough to have been in the Red Army in some sort of junior officer capacity. I don't 100% trust the guy, and neither should LeBron.

- After getting blown out in the first game, LeBron can go out into the streets of San Antonio and stomp Mexicans.

- Cleveland has a guy- Anderson Varajeo- who looks like someone bred sideshow Bob to Carlito Caribbean Cool, and then stretched him on the rack for 17 years. He may have the worst hair in any professional sport.

- They also have the second worst hair in any professional sport sitting on the back of Drew Gooden's neck. It can only be described as a Neckstache.

Final Finals Showdown: Gooden's Neckstache vs. Manu's Bald Spot - Sports Blog - The FanHouse

In life, one takes beatings as they climb to the top. Defeat builds character. It doesn't make losing any easier to swallow, but it provides Motivation and is cause for Introspection. Both of those are necessary to becoming a champion.

LeBron is a helluva player, but he isn't Jordan yet. Only Jordan could beat the Spurs with a Baltic geek, a dreadlocked white Brazilian (as opposed to a Pele-type black Brazilian), and someone with a Neckstache.

 

Game, Set, Match.

 

Summer Culture

Some more vidya to keep you occupied.....

Hot Violin Skills - CollegeHumor video... I played the Cello in high school. Never, ever, ever play an instrument that's bigger than you are.... because you'll have to carry it home, and someonbe's going to kick your ass for it. This girl, who pretty much bleeds personality, won't have that problem.

What's a disgruntled welder who opposes a recent zoning decision to do...... This is how Dr. Monponsett got her addition built. Zoning boards can be so uppity, until you build an armored bulldozer.

 Dumb Criminal - CollegeHumor video.. I love where he just gives up and has a smoke.

 Bad Movie Compilation - CollegeHumor video... I don't know when "Shark Attack III" came out, but I want to see it rather badly.

For the couple that's bored with having sex in public places, why not try having sex in an Iraqi war zone? - CollegeHumor video.... A pimp I know te;;s me that Muslim women are the best in bed, due to all the repression. If I lived near all those roadside bombs, I wouldn't f*ck so hard.

Threw a knife into Heaven and could kill with a stare

We work on the holiday here at .Zamboni Rage,. just not that hard. Peep the links:

Bobby Knight used to host a golf show and, guess what, he had a short temper. - CollegeHumor video... you can probably see this one coming. Bobby Knight is one of the few people I know who is upset by the ice cream man. Somebody had him host a show about the most frustrating sport ever, and he gives you the full Dark Knight. (not office-friendly)

Golf isn't always so upsetting, though... Fuzzy Zoeller was so happy after making this shot, he took Tiger Woods out for some chicken.... There is a god of golf, and sometimes he smiles upon us. - CollegeHumor video. I hit one like this at the Wareham Mini-Putt, but You Tube wasn't there.

Some kid in Alabama killed about 1200 pounds of bacon and pork loin... check this beast out...Boy bags hog said bigger than 'Hogzilla' - Boston.com. That picture is #5 on Reasons I Won't Go To Alabama.

Dammmmmmn...

Striper season is upon us, and one of the big Cape debates is whether you should fish for them with Herring, Clams, Mackerel or Lures. I prefer an RPG, as do most people in Afghanistan...Fishing in Afghanistan. The tough part is attaching the worm to your bazooka. - CollegeHumor video

Win if you can, lose if you must... but always cheat... unless the ump is looking. Phantom Hit - CollegeHumor video

For all the damage Cape Wind will do to the bird population, they won't get as many kills on camera as baseball does. If you're rooting for the birds, they get a few shots in as well, especially the mother goose.... Bird Moments - CollegeHumor video

Here's some high school tailback extrordinaire. Watch about a minute in, when he jumps over someone's head as he's running.....Sam McGuffie - CollegeHumor video

This baby loves breakdancing... you could say that she gets a kick out of it.... Times Square Breaking - CollegeHumor video

May as well end up with our original Veteran,,, a George Washington rap song with NC-17 hero worship lyrics.....George Washington - the new Chuck Norris? - CollegeHumor video

Sp'links

from Zamboni Rage

YouTube - Pissah -- A Red Sox Fan's Lament,,,,,, speaks for itself.

Weekend Assignment #167: Bad TV You Loved as a Kid reminds us that there is never a bad time for some Hang Time.

 YouTube - Hang Time Season 2 intro

 

Dogfighting is big in the sports world these days. A lot of people look down on dogfighting, but not me. I love it. Here's a good brawl, where a hyper-aggressive smaller dog goes after a relative super-heavyweight.... David v. Goliath - CollegeHumor video

Turn down the volume for this one, because it's a bit NC-17.... but I hate when my friends and I go to gang-stomp someone, and they turn out to be a Shotokan Karate guy... YouTube - street fight

You hate to see a man get sliced at a baseball game, but you also hate to see someone interfere with a playable ball. I have no pity at all. YouTube - Pizza Tossed at Fenway....

Here's some video of that Chinese kid Danny Ainge is supposed to be all ga-ga over.....YouTube - Nba Draft Prospect: Yi JianLian (pronounced "Yi JianLian " )... he's the tall Chinese guy.

Surf na onda gigante..... YouTube - Surf na Tsunami

Kids.. cheaters never win.. well, generally. Check out reigning NBA champ Bruce Bowen in action...YouTube - Bruce Bowen Kicks Amare Stoudamire....and note the  "stick your foot where the jumping guy is landing" tech-neek.....YouTube - Bruce Bowen Strikes Again or this masterpiece of mugging- YouTube - Vince Carter goes at Bruce Bowen ...Here's the move discussed in further detail ..YouTube - Bruce bowen's "foot defense"(S. Fransis & Crawford).....peep the knee-to-the-nashers here....YouTube - Bruce Bowen Knees Steve Nash...or the subtle kick to the back YouTube - Bruce Bowen kicks Ray Allen...orthe whack-to-the-face on Carmelo Anthony ..YouTube - melo anthony gets owned byBRUCE BOWEN lol! ....here's a nice compilation...YouTube - Bruce Bowen Dirty Defense Mix... and why not learn from the man himself ... YouTube - Bruce Bowen Teaches You How To Defence (Men-To-Men)

Tags: Weekend Assignment

Tags:

The NBA Draft Lottery Is Fixed

 

I really meant to stop in here last night, after the Draft Lottery.

Unfortunately.. the Cape Cod Times doesn't let me use the F Bomb in this forum, so I drank a bottle of wiine instead. Sudden binge drinking on a Tuesday night is rarely done for a good reason, but my conscience is clear this morning.

You see, I had my heart stomped on last night... by the random bounces of some Ping-Pong balls. Let S.I. tell you about it first- SI.com - Writers - Ian Thomsen: After Oden and Durant, draft becomes unpredictable - Tuesday May 22, 2007 11:18PM

The Celtics not only missed out on the #1 overall pick... and the #2... but also the #3.... well, you'd figure #4 would do... but NO.

The 5th overall pick in a 2 player draft... that's what we get out of 82 games of tanking, inept coaching, mongoloidian general management, and Personal Injury. I actually had to make up a word to describe Danny Ainge's management skills, because the English language doesn't contain harsh enough adjectives to express how I feel about that sandy-haired clown.

But Ainge gets to slide this morning, because today's Zamboni Rage (we're not really that hockeycentric here... we just thought that the title sounded cool) was born last night from a hopper in Secaucus, NJ.

Call me crazy, but I feel that the worst teams should get the best draft picks. The draft lottery was invented- so they say- to prevent teams from losing games on purpose to get a better draft pick. Tanking still happens. Portland wasn't trying any more or less than Boston was last year, but they got our draft pick. The year before, playoff teams (the Los Angeles Clippers) were tanking games at the end of the season to create favorable playoff matchups.

They were just doing what was best for the franchise, as were your own Boston Celtics.They just weren't penalized for it, like Boston was last night.

If the NBA can't promise that the teams will make the maximum effort, they should fine the owners. Instead, he screws their fan bases... hoping for a sort of Trickle Up effect where the fans shun the owner's team, thus fining the owners de facto style.

Remember... NBA Commish David Stern isn't employed by some basketball players/fan collective. He's employed by the owners. He's not going to do the right thing, ever... he's going to twist a national pastime to suit the whims of 32 greedy millionaires.

Portland as a franchise was floundering. Every player they had was some sort of criminal. Dogfighting, weed smoking, assaults, OUI... you name it, the Blazers had someone who did it. We got Bassy Telfair and is gun collection from the Blazers. The team sucked, and the fans- normally the NBA's most consistent sellout- were shunning the Blazers for Lumberjack Contests and Salmon Fishing Derbies. They got the #1 overall pick.

Seattle is in dire straits financially, can't get a stadium built, and is flirting with every town that has a stadium. The Sonics could be in Oklahoma, Vegas or Mexico City next year... which is good for Oklahoma or Vegas, but is bad for the NBA. They got the #2 overall pick.... the pick Boston would have had, sans the crooked lottery.

It never looks good for the league's prestige when an NBA team fails in a major city. It's also bad for them when a city gets a team by stealing it from another city... because the NBA is expoansion-minded, and expansion teams pay a GNP-sized fee for entry into the NBA. If Oklahoma gets an expansion team, they pay the NBA. If they steal the Sonics from Seattle, they save $200 million or so.

Seattle was about to fall off the NBA map into the Pacific, with a degenerate Portland squad standing next in line. Now... all that has been taken care of. Seattlewill get the stadium built, Portland will be led for the next two decades by an Aw-Shucks kid from the midwest, and the Pacific Northwest will be saved for the NBA. More importantly, it shuts out Oklahoma and Vegas... who can now only hope to gain entry into the NBA as a costly expansion team.

My sources tell me that David Stern actually had his family dog strangled right before the NBA lottery...because only a personal tragedy of that magnitude could keep him from just laughing out loud during that whole Sham of a behind-closed-doors draft lottery.

Anywho... I'm pretty angry this morning. My thoughts before writing this, and keep in mind- they're mostly irrrrrrrrrrrational:

- I hope that Kevin Durant bumps his head on the Space Needle.

- I hope that Greg Oden is hiking just outside of Portland, drops his compass, goes to pick it up... and is then suddenly taken by a Sasquatch in a manner similar to prison shower-room assaults. Keep in mind, the person I'm wishing this on would have essentially been my third child had some Ping Pong balls bounced differently.

- I curse David Stern's family to suffer a Whammy of bad luck... business failures, ugly children, botched circumcisions, costly divorces... and anything else I can think of. I hope he vacations here and reads this, too. Eff him.

- While I hold some stock in each company, I wish for McDonnell-Douglas and Microsoft to fail.

- It's been a long time since that rascally northwest region of the country has suffered a good Tsunami... maybe too long.

- If the state of Washington had any patriotism at all, they'd have long ago occupied all that Canada between them and Alaska.

- It must suck when you're travelling, meet people, get asked where you're from, answer "Washington," and get asked about the White House or something...especially where it must happen over and over again, to the point where you snarl "Washington STATE" out of context a lot.

I'd better shuffle along now, because opening wine at 8:14 AM is an option that simply isn't on the table this morning... and nothing short of witnessing a Stoning will abate the Zamboni Rage today. Onward through the fog.