Cleveland vs. San Antonio

 

I'm still sort of basketball focused since that rabbit-punch of a draft last month. Ten years may pass before I recover from that, and there's a chance that it haunts me like that Buckner thing. The gem of the draft 10 years ago- San Antonio meal ticket Tim Duncan- was stolen from us then, just as Greg Oden was stolen from us last month.

Mr. Duncan heads into the NBA finals as the odds-on favorite to score yet another championship. Although it is true that The Cape Cod Times does not condone, facilitate or advocate betting of any kind, I'd wager that Cleveland is outed in 5 games. I'd look for them to get smoked in the first game in San Antonio, lose a close one in game 2, lose again in game 3, stave off a loss in game 4, then finally succumb in game 5.

All that goes out the window if Duncan or LeBron James suffer injuries. While neither man is a One Man Gang on his team, each of them is indeed the Straw That Stirs The Drink.

I make this prediction becawz:

- San Antonio employs a man who was just featured in this very column recently... the dirtiest player in the game, as they say... Mr. Bruce Bowen.

Bowen is a good bet to kick LBJ in the ankle at some point, slowing him to the degree that he can't go all Jordan on them. That's what he does... that's all he does.

He'd make a superb Ken Linseman-type hockey player, but the black man has not yet chosen to dominate that sport.

- Cleveland's interior defense will be the Easy Whore to Tim Duncan's sailor-on-leave. If he's shooting 60%, Cleveland is toast.

- The possibility of some sort of border incident involving Manu Ginobili is quite low.

- After LeBron, the best optionon Cleveland is an almost preternaturally stiff 7'3" Lithuanian guy who I think is old enough to have been in the Red Army in some sort of junior officer capacity. I don't 100% trust the guy, and neither should LeBron.

- After getting blown out in the first game, LeBron can go out into the streets of San Antonio and stomp Mexicans.

- Cleveland has a guy- Anderson Varajeo- who looks like someone bred sideshow Bob to Carlito Caribbean Cool, and then stretched him on the rack for 17 years. He may have the worst hair in any professional sport.

- They also have the second worst hair in any professional sport sitting on the back of Drew Gooden's neck. It can only be described as a Neckstache.

Final Finals Showdown: Gooden's Neckstache vs. Manu's Bald Spot - Sports Blog - The FanHouse

In life, one takes beatings as they climb to the top. Defeat builds character. It doesn't make losing any easier to swallow, but it provides Motivation and is cause for Introspection. Both of those are necessary to becoming a champion.

LeBron is a helluva player, but he isn't Jordan yet. Only Jordan could beat the Spurs with a Baltic geek, a dreadlocked white Brazilian (as opposed to a Pele-type black Brazilian), and someone with a Neckstache.

 

Game, Set, Match.

 

Summer Culture

Some more vidya to keep you occupied.....

Hot Violin Skills - CollegeHumor video... I played the Cello in high school. Never, ever, ever play an instrument that's bigger than you are.... because you'll have to carry it home, and someonbe's going to kick your ass for it. This girl, who pretty much bleeds personality, won't have that problem.

What's a disgruntled welder who opposes a recent zoning decision to do...... This is how Dr. Monponsett got her addition built. Zoning boards can be so uppity, until you build an armored bulldozer.

 Dumb Criminal - CollegeHumor video.. I love where he just gives up and has a smoke.

 Bad Movie Compilation - CollegeHumor video... I don't know when "Shark Attack III" came out, but I want to see it rather badly.

For the couple that's bored with having sex in public places, why not try having sex in an Iraqi war zone? - CollegeHumor video.... A pimp I know te;;s me that Muslim women are the best in bed, due to all the repression. If I lived near all those roadside bombs, I wouldn't f*ck so hard.

Threw a knife into Heaven and could kill with a stare

We work on the holiday here at .Zamboni Rage,. just not that hard. Peep the links:

Bobby Knight used to host a golf show and, guess what, he had a short temper. - CollegeHumor video... you can probably see this one coming. Bobby Knight is one of the few people I know who is upset by the ice cream man. Somebody had him host a show about the most frustrating sport ever, and he gives you the full Dark Knight. (not office-friendly)

Golf isn't always so upsetting, though... Fuzzy Zoeller was so happy after making this shot, he took Tiger Woods out for some chicken.... There is a god of golf, and sometimes he smiles upon us. - CollegeHumor video. I hit one like this at the Wareham Mini-Putt, but You Tube wasn't there.

Some kid in Alabama killed about 1200 pounds of bacon and pork loin... check this beast out...Boy bags hog said bigger than 'Hogzilla' - Boston.com. That picture is #5 on Reasons I Won't Go To Alabama.

Dammmmmmn...

Striper season is upon us, and one of the big Cape debates is whether you should fish for them with Herring, Clams, Mackerel or Lures. I prefer an RPG, as do most people in Afghanistan...Fishing in Afghanistan. The tough part is attaching the worm to your bazooka. - CollegeHumor video

Win if you can, lose if you must... but always cheat... unless the ump is looking. Phantom Hit - CollegeHumor video

For all the damage Cape Wind will do to the bird population, they won't get as many kills on camera as baseball does. If you're rooting for the birds, they get a few shots in as well, especially the mother goose.... Bird Moments - CollegeHumor video

Here's some high school tailback extrordinaire. Watch about a minute in, when he jumps over someone's head as he's running.....Sam McGuffie - CollegeHumor video

This baby loves breakdancing... you could say that she gets a kick out of it.... Times Square Breaking - CollegeHumor video

May as well end up with our original Veteran,,, a George Washington rap song with NC-17 hero worship lyrics.....George Washington - the new Chuck Norris? - CollegeHumor video

Sp'links

from Zamboni Rage

YouTube - Pissah -- A Red Sox Fan's Lament,,,,,, speaks for itself.

Weekend Assignment #167: Bad TV You Loved as a Kid reminds us that there is never a bad time for some Hang Time.

 YouTube - Hang Time Season 2 intro

 

Dogfighting is big in the sports world these days. A lot of people look down on dogfighting, but not me. I love it. Here's a good brawl, where a hyper-aggressive smaller dog goes after a relative super-heavyweight.... David v. Goliath - CollegeHumor video

Turn down the volume for this one, because it's a bit NC-17.... but I hate when my friends and I go to gang-stomp someone, and they turn out to be a Shotokan Karate guy... YouTube - street fight

You hate to see a man get sliced at a baseball game, but you also hate to see someone interfere with a playable ball. I have no pity at all. YouTube - Pizza Tossed at Fenway....

Here's some video of that Chinese kid Danny Ainge is supposed to be all ga-ga over.....YouTube - Nba Draft Prospect: Yi JianLian (pronounced "Yi JianLian " )... he's the tall Chinese guy.

Surf na onda gigante..... YouTube - Surf na Tsunami

Kids.. cheaters never win.. well, generally. Check out reigning NBA champ Bruce Bowen in action...YouTube - Bruce Bowen Kicks Amare Stoudamire....and note the  "stick your foot where the jumping guy is landing" tech-neek.....YouTube - Bruce Bowen Strikes Again or this masterpiece of mugging- YouTube - Vince Carter goes at Bruce Bowen ...Here's the move discussed in further detail ..YouTube - Bruce bowen's "foot defense"(S. Fransis & Crawford).....peep the knee-to-the-nashers here....YouTube - Bruce Bowen Knees Steve Nash...or the subtle kick to the back YouTube - Bruce Bowen kicks Ray Allen...orthe whack-to-the-face on Carmelo Anthony ..YouTube - melo anthony gets owned byBRUCE BOWEN lol! ....here's a nice compilation...YouTube - Bruce Bowen Dirty Defense Mix... and why not learn from the man himself ... YouTube - Bruce Bowen Teaches You How To Defence (Men-To-Men)

Tags: Weekend Assignment

Tags:

The NBA Draft Lottery Is Fixed

 

I really meant to stop in here last night, after the Draft Lottery.

Unfortunately.. the Cape Cod Times doesn't let me use the F Bomb in this forum, so I drank a bottle of wiine instead. Sudden binge drinking on a Tuesday night is rarely done for a good reason, but my conscience is clear this morning.

You see, I had my heart stomped on last night... by the random bounces of some Ping-Pong balls. Let S.I. tell you about it first- SI.com - Writers - Ian Thomsen: After Oden and Durant, draft becomes unpredictable - Tuesday May 22, 2007 11:18PM

The Celtics not only missed out on the #1 overall pick... and the #2... but also the #3.... well, you'd figure #4 would do... but NO.

The 5th overall pick in a 2 player draft... that's what we get out of 82 games of tanking, inept coaching, mongoloidian general management, and Personal Injury. I actually had to make up a word to describe Danny Ainge's management skills, because the English language doesn't contain harsh enough adjectives to express how I feel about that sandy-haired clown.

But Ainge gets to slide this morning, because today's Zamboni Rage (we're not really that hockeycentric here... we just thought that the title sounded cool) was born last night from a hopper in Secaucus, NJ.

Call me crazy, but I feel that the worst teams should get the best draft picks. The draft lottery was invented- so they say- to prevent teams from losing games on purpose to get a better draft pick. Tanking still happens. Portland wasn't trying any more or less than Boston was last year, but they got our draft pick. The year before, playoff teams (the Los Angeles Clippers) were tanking games at the end of the season to create favorable playoff matchups.

They were just doing what was best for the franchise, as were your own Boston Celtics.They just weren't penalized for it, like Boston was last night.

If the NBA can't promise that the teams will make the maximum effort, they should fine the owners. Instead, he screws their fan bases... hoping for a sort of Trickle Up effect where the fans shun the owner's team, thus fining the owners de facto style.

Remember... NBA Commish David Stern isn't employed by some basketball players/fan collective. He's employed by the owners. He's not going to do the right thing, ever... he's going to twist a national pastime to suit the whims of 32 greedy millionaires.

Portland as a franchise was floundering. Every player they had was some sort of criminal. Dogfighting, weed smoking, assaults, OUI... you name it, the Blazers had someone who did it. We got Bassy Telfair and is gun collection from the Blazers. The team sucked, and the fans- normally the NBA's most consistent sellout- were shunning the Blazers for Lumberjack Contests and Salmon Fishing Derbies. They got the #1 overall pick.

Seattle is in dire straits financially, can't get a stadium built, and is flirting with every town that has a stadium. The Sonics could be in Oklahoma, Vegas or Mexico City next year... which is good for Oklahoma or Vegas, but is bad for the NBA. They got the #2 overall pick.... the pick Boston would have had, sans the crooked lottery.

It never looks good for the league's prestige when an NBA team fails in a major city. It's also bad for them when a city gets a team by stealing it from another city... because the NBA is expoansion-minded, and expansion teams pay a GNP-sized fee for entry into the NBA. If Oklahoma gets an expansion team, they pay the NBA. If they steal the Sonics from Seattle, they save $200 million or so.

Seattle was about to fall off the NBA map into the Pacific, with a degenerate Portland squad standing next in line. Now... all that has been taken care of. Seattlewill get the stadium built, Portland will be led for the next two decades by an Aw-Shucks kid from the midwest, and the Pacific Northwest will be saved for the NBA. More importantly, it shuts out Oklahoma and Vegas... who can now only hope to gain entry into the NBA as a costly expansion team.

My sources tell me that David Stern actually had his family dog strangled right before the NBA lottery...because only a personal tragedy of that magnitude could keep him from just laughing out loud during that whole Sham of a behind-closed-doors draft lottery.

Anywho... I'm pretty angry this morning. My thoughts before writing this, and keep in mind- they're mostly irrrrrrrrrrrational:

- I hope that Kevin Durant bumps his head on the Space Needle.

- I hope that Greg Oden is hiking just outside of Portland, drops his compass, goes to pick it up... and is then suddenly taken by a Sasquatch in a manner similar to prison shower-room assaults. Keep in mind, the person I'm wishing this on would have essentially been my third child had some Ping Pong balls bounced differently.

- I curse David Stern's family to suffer a Whammy of bad luck... business failures, ugly children, botched circumcisions, costly divorces... and anything else I can think of. I hope he vacations here and reads this, too. Eff him.

- While I hold some stock in each company, I wish for McDonnell-Douglas and Microsoft to fail.

- It's been a long time since that rascally northwest region of the country has suffered a good Tsunami... maybe too long.

- If the state of Washington had any patriotism at all, they'd have long ago occupied all that Canada between them and Alaska.

- It must suck when you're travelling, meet people, get asked where you're from, answer "Washington," and get asked about the White House or something...especially where it must happen over and over again, to the point where you snarl "Washington STATE" out of context a lot.

I'd better shuffle along now, because opening wine at 8:14 AM is an option that simply isn't on the table this morning... and nothing short of witnessing a Stoning will abate the Zamboni Rage today. Onward through the fog.

"To all my friennnnnnnnds..."

A few notes on my immediate future...

 The NBA Draft Lottery is tomorrow night. The Celtics will have their future dictated to them by a tumbler full of ping-pong balls. They have the second-most ping pong balls in the tumbler, and have about a 20% chance of getting the first overall pick.

#1 gets them Gerg Oden, a hulk of a center who pretty much hands us the NBA Atlantic Division. Pick #2 gets them Kevin Durant, who would add 20 wins to the club's total from last year.

After that, there is a huge talent drop-off. Imagine thinking that you have a date with Rose McGowan. Imagine that instead, when you show up, it's Rosie O'Donnell. That's the difference between pick 2 and pick 3.

I love my Celtics. I watched them with my father, when I was a kid. We usually beat the hell out of whoever we played, and watching them was an exercise in Satisfaction. I loved every game, and looked forward to the next one.

I also looked forward to watching the Celtics with my kids.. but that went out the window when the team started to really blow. No need to have Gabrielle hearing me yell "Goddamn Doc Rivers!" or "Danny Ainge must have pictures of the owner raping a Cub Scout... it's the only way I can see him keeping his job." So Gabby is usually off in bed by game time.

Greg Oden wipes this problem off the table the moment he ambles into Boston. It's all wine and roses after that... or so it will seem tomorrow night when we get the #1 overall pick. Unless Danny Ainge messes it up somehow, but that's another article.

If we don't get Oden or Durant....

Well... I like to think positive. There are some fine players out there. Yu Zailing or something from China, supposed to be great. The three Florida kids look solid. Someone must be leaving Duke or UNC. We'll have to select someone, and we'll most likely still get a fine player.

Of course, I won't be aware of it. The moment we lose out on picks 1 and 2, I will retreat into a mute, insular phase that may last for several months. We lost the Tim Duncan lottery 10 years ago last week, and the Gods wouldn't be so cruel as to dangle the next franchise big man in front of my face before whisking him off to Memphis or Atlanta, would they?

We'll find out tomorrow.

I need to relax... which, to me, means watching someone else suffer. This is the funniest human/bear fight I've ever seen...YouTube - Guy gets his ass kicked by a bear.

There's no blood... it's a salmon commercial.

YouTube - Blind Cops -- Episode 1

YouTube - Chicken Suicide

YouTube - Maximum Security Workout

YouTube - Midget runs from cops

YouTube - Don't rob banks in Spain. this is why

Gettin' The Heisman

Celebrity News - Longoria still enjoying regular sex

A big rumor working them Internets was that, to better help the San Antonio Spurs, actress Eva Longoria and fiancee Tony Parker are shelving the Horizontal Bop until the NBA Playoffs are over. They're to be married in July, when Tony will be in his off-season.

For those of you who don't ascribe too much importance to chasing a bouncing ball around.... there's an old sports adage that sex drains the constitution from athletes. "It takes the explosive power out of the legs," said somebody, once.

Boxers live by this. Notice how grouchy Mickey was towards Adrienne? Notice how Rocky didn't bring Adrienne to Russia with him while training to fight that big Commie? Many will say- while appreciating the Inspirational power she brings to the table for the Rock- that barring Adrienne from the proceedings may have kept Rocky from being buried next to Appollo Creed in the Beatdown Cemetery.

Now... keep in mind... the athlete is already in the business of Sacrifice. Rocky can't eat junk food, drink booze, sleep late... none of that good stuff. By taking sex off the table, there's not much left for Rocky to do besides Spartan training and what is most likely angry mastrubation.

 Of course, too much hand friction can harm a man, too:

 SI.com - MLB - Finger puts unbeaten Beckett on DL - Friday May 18, 2007 12:35AM

Sox pitcher Josh Beckett hurt his finger.... tore some skin on it. He's had this problem before, and seems to be- no joke- a bit thin skinned for his job.

Offhand, I'd imagine that Beck has some dietary defiency that leaves him with weak skin. He should eat Viamin E all day. 

This depresses me, so I need some Yankee-bashing laughs. Here's some:

Never blow off a fan (especially one with a gift bag from your fan club) for an autograph when said fan has a XM Radio show, as Derek Jeter learns.

YouTube - Jim Norton Derek Jeter gift bag

Aaaah... I feel better, now. The Sox swept a doubleheader last night, too... the center is holding.

The NBA Daraft Lottery is next week. This, more than anything else that happens in our immediate future, will determine how happy I will be basketball-wise for the next decade.

If we win the lottery- and we have about a 20% chance of doing so- we get Greg Oden. Oden is widely viewed as the next Olajuwon, and the Celtics will be immediate contenders upon his arrival. Option two is Kevin Durant, a high-scoring forward from Texas. While I'd rather have Oden, this kid is a nice consolation prize.

 After that, things sort of slide off the edge. Corey Brewer, Acie Law, Roy Hibbert, Al Horford... all nice guys and fine players, but none of them is a Franchise. Boston has the second-best shot at the #1 pick, and the #2 should be theirs by logic. Any other outcome of the draft lottery will make me insane... er.

Speaking of insane... if you want to visualize the draft lottery, here's an engine from ESPN that shakes it up and sorts it out for you. If you hit this more than three times, ESPN sends you a Loser Merit Badge.

ESPN: NBA Mock Draft 2007

I only had to hit it 6 times to get the Celtics a nice Greg Oden.

Some more Bad News...

I’m hoping Barnes hasn’t lost rebounding skills | Bill Reynolds | projo.com | The Providence Journal

Marvin Barnes nearly took Providence to the top in 1973, and he tore the ABA apart when he got there... for about a season, before the cocaine started undermining his skills. He went from scoring 25 a game in 1975 to being pretty much out of the NBA by 1979. He's best remembered now for sniffing coke on the Celtic bench while hiding his head under a towel.

Now, like with most things in life, the key to cocaine is Moderation. The average basketball game is about 3 hours long. If you can't wait three hours for some cocaine, it's time for a bit of lengthy introspection.

Marvin just made a joke of his Rebound Foundation, which is now known as "Marvin's Cocaine Fund."

I hope he's innocent, but I doubt it.

I like ending on laughs.... here's a great interview by The Rock:

YouTube - The rock makes fun of brock lesnar and HHH

One part steroids, one part revival preacher, one part egomaniac... that's The Rock.

The Rock makes movies now, but he was probably the best wrestling interview west of the Iron Sheik and north of Ric Flair:

YtouTube - Ric Flair Interview

 

Weekend Assignment #166: Rock Out

Weekend Assignment #166: Name the three songs you listen to when you totally want to rock out. Note that they don't actually have to be rock songs -- they can be in any genre whatsoever, and from any era. They just have to be the songs that get you pumped up and ready to go.

Extra Credit: And name one song to cool you back down.

I score this along a "If I were getting into my car to kill someone, what music would I play?" scale....YouTube - Raekwon & Ghostface Killah - Criminology

or "If I'm going to check the dread"... YouTube - Channel Live - Mad Izm (Feat. KRS-One)

I had a student who was into the band Korn. I had her write an essay about Native Americans. It was all "They knew a lot about growing Korn."YouTube - Korn - Here to Stay. Not that it matters in this debate, but that story needed telling somewhere... and this is where it happened.

After I get drugs and kill someone (and fail a history test)... I like to cool down with perhaps the only ode to the Mystic River ever... YouTube - Van Morrison - Into The Mystic

Tags: Red Sox, WWF, No Sax Before A Fight, Weekend Assignment