I'd like to thank the Academy...

 

 

   Texas time. A-Rod just may get that smooch after all.

   I also have to come home with an impressive autograph. I indirectly know a sick kid, and he asked us to bring him back something. Unless my move on A-Rod goes better than I am planning, I won't be bringing back a jersey. I'm also fairly small, and not the odds-on favorite to come out of the scrum with a foul ball that lands in the stands- unless it rolls, at which point it will be a race between me and whatever kids are around.

   I plan on wearing a Red Sox shirt, so my strategy should probably be to try and get some momento from a Boston player. Manny looks a bit surly, Mr. Ortiz may be a little large for me to be bullying into surrendering his hat, and Schilling will be starting(Torre is too smart to not cost the Sox another $100K). Once I get near a player, I have to use perhaps the oldest autograph seeking trick in the book- the "Sick Kid."

   I'll think of somethin'...

   Barry Bonds probably has no idea that AOL just sent a pretty twisted Boston fan with a national forum to Houston. Barry had some bad things to say about Boston, and he will be within my yelling range.

   I'm a schoolteacher, and I have a voice that carries, as my husband says. I'll be on his ass like Preparation H. If he comes into the stands after me, watch close- I will get in at least one well-placed kick, and I was a HS soccer player.

   I also need to get a hat. I don't mean a baseball cap. I mean one of those big Charlie Daniels hats. My students, who are primarily urban northeastern blacks, politely refer to these as "brother-hating hats." As Antoine put it, "Not all cowboys are racist...I know some good people from Texas....but when a brother sees a bunch of those hats coming, he's like "Uh Oh."

   I tried to explain to Antoine that many cowboys were black guys, that the Wild West offered a chance for a man to be judged by his work rather than his race, and that the man who invented the Bulldog takedown of steers- Nat Love, who may have been the best legitimate cowboy in our history- was as black as James Brown.

   It didn't matter. Once kids have a visual, you're half-dead. When they learned I was French-born, I'd get questions about having cheese for breakfast, and what the best $1.99 bottle of wine is.

   Answers: 

A) Cheese for breakfast will give you a tummy ache 

B) MD 20/20- which will also give you a tummy ache.

  

Down to the Wire

   I love elections. Two opponents, vying for the affection of America. Two trailblazers of the New Media, competing to cover America's oldest sports tradition. Two rivals, with much mutual respect, gettin' down and dirty in the bogggggggggggs.

   We have our reasons for wanting to win. Wes is a lifetime baseball fan, a coach of children, and he wants to see the heroes he grew up rooting for. His motivations are admirable and endearing.

   I, myself, want to leap onto the field and kiss ARod(I was going for Jeter, but 3rd base is closer than SS, and ARod makes more money). Manny Ramirez, who has that whole Big Sexy Latino thing going on, seems a little too surly to run up on. I bank on my cuteness quite a bit, and can't afford to have SuperManny KO me on National TV.

   If I'm on the 1B side...David Ortiz. He deserves affection after the fine season he's had, and Mother always told me to get a 6'4" Dominican man.

   America has redefined the term "dirty politics." In Japan, the Parliament have fist fights. In Africa, generals have a way of supplanting Presidents, before being supplanted themselves by majors, who then fall to captains. Charles Taylor moved up to President of Liberia from his spot as Sgt. Taylor, and he became Sgt. Taylor after being a guest of the state of Massachusetts' prison system. Many the head of a European king/queen has ended up in a bucket. It's good to be King, but it sucks to be deposed.

   In America, we do it our own way. In 1714, Anthony Henry, a British government official, had this to say to his New York constituents, who wrote to him demanding relief from an excise tax:

"About the excise, may god's curse light upon you all, and may it make your homes as open and as free to the excise officers as your wives and daughters have always been to me while I have represented your rascally constituency."

   Of course, he didn't have to get elected. When a vote comes around, it's time to drag out the heavy artillery.

   Earl Long once called an opponent a "big-bellied liar, and the crookedest man who ever lived." He was speaking about his brother, Huey. He also called him a "son of a bitch" before realizing the implication. Huey ran from several fistfights with Earl, "because he bites."

   Charles Sumner of Massachusetts once made a speech on the  Senate floor, "The Crime Against Kansas." In it, he denounced several Southern sympathizers- one of whom was related to Preston Brooks, who took offense to Sumner calling his cousin a "harlot of slavery." He snuck up on  Sumner and beat him half to death with a cane. This, regrettably, was before C-Span. I plan to explain this to Barry Bonds if I am seated in the outfield.

   Sometimes, you have to stoop down to the level of your constituents. George Smathers once called Claude Pepper a "extrovert," who had "frequently marticulated on campus," and who had a sister who was a "known thespian." He also accused Pepper of "engaging in celibacy before marriage," and of being a "practicing Homo Sapien." Smathers won in a landslide. It ain't what you say...it's how you say it.

   Lyndon Johnson ran for Prez in 1964, against the hawkish Barry Goldwater. He ran an ad that showed a little girl picking daisies in a field...as an ominous voice counted down from ten. The girl was then hit with a Soviet ICBM. The ad basically said "Vote for LBJ...or else!"

 

   I don't plan on nuking anyone, but I would appreciate your vote. The name's Monponsett, and please, vote early and often.

(Defense Department analysts state that High Above Courtside appears to be about 3-5 years away from developing a crude nuclear weapon.)

Hey now, you're an all star!

  

Let's look over who will be the supporting cast for Wes or I next week:

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

C Ivan Rodriguez... Tigers   .376avg, 10HR,  57RBI 

1B Jason Giambi... Yankees   .239 11 31 

2B Alfonso Soriano... Rangers   .292 13 48 

3B Alex Rodriguez... Yankees   .276 19 50 

SS Derek Jeter... Yankees    .273 13 40 

OF Manny Ramirez... Red Sox    .342 22 63 

OF Vladimir Guerrero... Angels    .345 20 71 

OF Ichiro Suzuki... Mariners   .319 3 30 

Tim Hudson... A's 7-3 2.98ERA  68Ks

Ted Lilly... Blue Jays 7-4 4.04 83

Esteban Loaiza... White Sox 8-4 4.37 52

Mark Mulder... A's 10-2 2.90 81

Kenny Rogers... Rangers 11-2 3.42 64

C.C. Sabathia... Indians 5-3 2.77 61

Curt Schilling... Red Sox 11-4 3.08 110 

Francisco Cordero... Rangers 2-0 1.85 24   

Tom Gordon... Yankees 2-2 1.51 2 

Joe Nathan... Twins.. 1-0 1.19 23 

Mariano Rivera... Yankees 0-0 0.86 29 

Francisco Rodriguez... Angels 1-1 1.04 7 

C Victor Martinez... Indians   .299 12 60 

1B Ken Harvey... Royals   .330 9 33 

1B David Ortiz... Red Sox   .306 22 76 

2B Ron Belliard... Indians   .317 5 34 

3B Hank Blalock... Rangers   .313 21 57 

SS Carlos Guillen... Tigers   .328 11 57 

SS Miguel Tejada... Orioles   .315 15 69 

SS Michael Young... Rangers   .330 11 48 

OF Carl Crawford... Devil Rays   .317 3 30

OF Matt Lawton... Indians   .315 13 47 

OF Gary Sheffield... Yankees   .298 13 53

 

And for the Bad Guys:

 C Mike Piazza... Mets   .312 16 39 

1B Albert Pujols... Cardinals   .304 21 57

2B Jeff Kent... Astros   .293 10 52 

3B Scott Rolen... Cardinals   .342 18 77 

SS Edgar Renteria... Cardinals   .287 4 34

OF Barry Bonds... Giants   .354 22 45 

OF Ken Griffey Jr.... Reds   .244 19 35 

OF Sammy Sosa... Cubs   .276 14 33

Roger Clemens... Astros 10-2 2.63 107 

Tom Glavine... Mets 7-5 2.16 60 

Livan Hernandez... Expos 6-7 3.23 100 

Randy Johnson... Diamondbacks 9-6 3.04 129 

Carl Pavano... Marlins 9-3 2.92 73 

Jason Schmidt... Giants 10-2 2.61 112

Ben Sheets... Brewers 7-5 2.58 113 

Carlos Zambrano... Cubs 9-3 2.41 99 1

Armando Benitez... Marlins 2-0 1.11 26 

Eric Gagne... Dodgers 2-0 1.54 21

Danny Graves... Reds 1-3 3.02 31

Danny Kolb... Brewers 0-0 0.87 24

C Johnny Estrada... Braves   .328 4 45

1B Sean Casey... Reds   .352 15 54

1B Todd Helton... Rockies   .352 15 53

1B Jim Thome... Phillies   .298 27 58 

2B Mark Loretta... Padres   .321 6 33 

3B Mike Lowell... Marlins   .301 19 51 

SS Barry Larkin... Reds   .294 4 30

SS Jack Wilson... Pirates   .340 7 33 

OF Moises Alou... Cubs   .287 19 49

OF Carlos Beltran * Astros   .281 19 58 

OF Lance Berkman... Astros   .305 16 59

OF Miguel Cabrera... Marlins   .288 19 54 

* Beltran was selected to the team on the AL All-Star ballot. He can take part in All-Star Game festivities but can't play in the game.

 

-  If Clemens has any sense of humor at all, he should make his first pitch to Mike Piazza be a shard of Louisville Slugger. Pizza Man would either laugh, or attack him- either way, it'd be over.

-  Not a lot of people know this, but Mordred(Medraut, Mewdrawd) was from Wales. Many irreputable historians will tell you that there actually was a Mordred, an evil king in druid times who formed the legend for the Mordred of Camelot/King Arthur fame.

   The man who would slay King Arthur was born in Monmouth, in Eastern Wales- allegedly from an incestuous coupling of Arthur and his sister, Morganna Le Fay. He raised an army that laid waste to Arthur's lands, and eventually took out Mr. Excalibur himself at Camlan.

   Up until 2004 AD, he was the worst Welsh in history. That title was just taken from him as Pedro Martinez was left off the All Star game roster for Ted Iris, or whatever.

- There are rumors that a platoon of Army Rangers, led by President Bush, will escort a long-ago-captured Osama bin Laden to the pitcher's mound prior to the All Star Game. He will then be beaten in public with a bat carved out of a tree from the field in Pennsylvania where one of the doomed 9/11 jets crashed...swung by Ken Griffey Jr.

 

- Joe Torre is arrested, and charged with "Looking Guilty"

Happy July 4th!!!!

   Not much time to write, today. The town puts on a wonderful show every July 4th(http://www.town.halifax.ma.us/halifaxinlights.html). Clowns, face-painting, apples, fried dough- you know, the whole nine. They have a nice kid scene for the afternoon, complete with a turtle race.

   My turtle- who has exhibited anti-social tendencies in his previous public appearances at my school- chose to stay home in the tank, and celebrate the holiday in his own way.

   They provide a couple of hours intermission, where they switch the crowd from children to 12 Hour Drunks. The fireworks start at nine, but the Show will begin much earlier.

   For those of you who don't have fireworks, I will produce some....check this out:

http://www.njagyouth.org/Liberty_.htm

   A "no-hitter" is a gathering of my townsfolk in one setting before the priest leaves. Once the fireworks crowd arrives, it is a giant keg party. Hopefully, we'll get a nice fist-fight or arrest to add to the entertainment.

   The fist fight is an American institution. We didn't invent it, and we may not do it the best, but it is ingrained in our culture. I speak several languages, and I can assure you that no other language has as many euphemisms for beating someone up as American English does. I can list a few, and feel free to add your own:

- Beatdown

- Ass Whippin'... and it's country cousin, Ass Whuppin'

- Taking him to the Woodshed

- Blanket Party

- Laying the Smackdown

- Pimp Slap

- Shellacking

- Rout

- Whipped

- Put a foof to his ass

- Curb-stomping

   You get the point. America is a tough place. In this case, the child was the father of the man. Many great Americans were quick to kick an ass, or shoot it out.

 

   Check out these Founding Father Fights:

 

- Andrew Jackson married a woman who hadn't fully divorced Husband #1 yet. There was much scandal, and Jackson would confront anyone who mentioned her name with unbridled fury. 

   "For the man who dared breathe Rachel Jackson's name except in honor," said James Paton of AJ, "he kept pistols in perfect condition for thirty-seven years."

   In 1803, Jackson and Tennessee Governor John Sevier exchanged shots in the street, with none landing. Jackson later killed Charles Dickinson- who, up until he met Jackson, was considered the best shot in Tennessee- in an 1806 duel. "I intended to kill him, and would have stayed on my feet to do so even if he had put a bullet in my brain," said Jax.

   Jackson himself was shot during a fight with future Missouri Senator Thomas Hart Benton and his brother. They eventually became friends. "I had a fight with General Jackson," said Benton. "One was hardly fashionable who didn't."

   When AJ was running for President, his opponents put together a pamphlet that listed all his brawls where he stabbed, shot, stomped, and clawed over 40 US citizens. Most of these fights were from his more roughly-hewn youth in Salisbury. "Aahhhhh... old Salisbury," said Jackson. "I was a rough lad then, but I did my best."

   An assassination attempt was once made on Jackson. The assassin's guns failed, and Jacksonbeat him like a government mule.

 

- In 1754, Colonel George Washington got into a heated argument with William Payne. During the beef, Washington insulted Payne. Payne then decked the Father of our Country. Washington himself restrained his troops, who were set to rend Payne limb from limb.

   The next day, Payne got a message from Dollar G, asking him to appear at a local tavern. Fully expecting an invitation to duel, Payne was shocked when Washington instead met him with a bottle of wine.

   Washington offered his hand, and said, " Mr. Payne, to err is nature; to rectify error is glory. I believe I was wrong yesterday; you have already had some satisfaction, and if you deem that sufficient- here is my hand. Let us be friends."

   Sometimes, you have to know how to take a beating, as well as how to give one.

 

- Teddy Roosevelt kicked a lot of ass in his day. As an aristocrat who took up cowboy life, he punched out several people who crossed him. Word soon got around the Badlands that Mr. Roosevelt was not to be uffed with.

   As a young Assemblyman from New York, TR was heckled in a bar by elder Assemblyman John Costello. After being called "momma's boy" and a "damned little dude," TR removed his glasses and decked Costello...and  the guy who was laughing at Costello's jokes. He then told them, "When in the presence of gentlemen, behave like a gentleman. Now... clean yourselves up, and join me for a drink."

 

- Harry Truman had a daughter Margaret who gave a singing recital that was lampooned by the local art critic. Truman wrote the critic, expressing his displeasure:

"I've never met you, but if I do, you'll need a new nose and a supporter below.... You sound like a frustrated old man."

 

Happy Birthday, America!!

America's Sweetheart

  

A great American comeback story ended in bloody defeat last week. The Comeback is as Americana as baseball or apple pie. MacArthur, Chrysler, Suge Knight- all speak to that punk in all of us who slinks away from treacherous seas. We need heroes, because most of us are pretty average. I got beat up once, and I hid when I saw that girl again. Come to think of it,,,,that girl looked a little like Tonya Harding.

   How tremendous is it to see a figure skater reduced to prize fighting? Figure skaters aren't bred for combat. However athletic the skater may be, her game is finesse and grace- virtues not apprecited when the fur flies. It isn't a gender thing, either. I have never heard of anyone trying to avoid a confrontation with a male figure skater.

   Society grabbed Tonya by the back of the head, rubbed her face in the mud, and tossed her to the curb like Hefty. Make no mistake, she deserved it. Her people hired the first Hitman in figure skating history. What's worse, they got caught.

   Tonya quickly rose to the top of the Double-Wide hierarchy, and managed to turn up in the news for the occasional drunken brawl that you could almost imagine people chanting "Jerry...Jerry!!" during. I understand that she hit a boyfriend in the face with a hubcap, once. If you snoop enough online, you can find pics of her doing community service, cleaning some Washington median strip.

   I'm sure the future was supposed to be quite different when Harding was kicking ass as a young skater. Peggy Fleming and Dorothy Hamill became famous, got commercials, and rose to prominence through figure skating. Figure skating is a powerful media event, and is always a good ratings draw. It carries the Winter Olympics. Harding could skate circles around Fleming, and is still the only American woman to hit a triple axel- whatever the heck that is....

   Beautifully dressed, alone on a stark white rink, with every move being judged and watched by millions of people- American figure skaters became household names....Divas. Divas usually don't end up boxing.

   Yet, that's exactly where Tonya Harding ended up last week. Banned from skating, she dabbled in Wrestling and Porn, and ended up trying to become a professional boxer. I approved of this move. She was an Olympic-caliber athlete, and had a name people knew- even in infamy.

   Her public debut- on a Fox show that may have been called "Look At My Failed Career," or something- was positively dripping with promise. Showing deft skill, she pounded an overwhelmed Paula Jones into the sort of terrified submission that Clinton was probably hoping she'd show when he pulled out his unit in that hotel room.

   Most people looked at Tonya Harding on Celebrity Boxing and saw a disgrace. I looked at it and saw a scrappy powerhouse with a mean streak. As was once said of Stonewall Jackson, Harding "knew how to hate." I filed her name away in my selective memory, and it didn't pop up again until last week.

   Tonya had actually worked out a pretty good deal for herself. A Canadian promoter was going to pay her $600K to fight some heavy-hitting-hussy from Edmonton. All Tonya had to do was get a few fights under her belt, get her name in the news....and not suffer a humiliating loss at the hands of whatever tomato can they set her up with.

  

   The best laid plans of mice and men go oft astray.

   Tonya was allowed to fatten up, and came in overconfident for her match with Edmonton's Amy Johnson. Tonya had to starve to make weight, which was eventually moved up to 135, and went into the fight weak and distracted.

   Amy Johnson was raw, but tough. Despite the starving, Tonya looked like she trained at Krispy Kreme. Johnson cut her over the nose in round one, and repeatedly landed straight right hands to the ever-more-dazed American. Harding rallied in round 2, laying the Canadian at her feet at one point, but then things went Picabo Street/downhill.

   Tonya came out for the third round with her hands down, and got tagged. She staggered back to the ropes, where Johnson cornered her. A fierce hook stunned Harding, who was unable to defend herself. As the crowd bellowed in joy, a poleaxed Harding then took a series of unanswered punches to her face before the ref jumped in. Harding fell to the floor, and her new career was over.

   Thousands of miles away in the Massachusetts suburb of Stoneham, a  retired skater with an old knee injury enjoyed a last laugh- in the wealthy, pampered life that she carved for herself after her time in the the world's eye.

   Tonya may seize the spotlight again. She will keep working at her boxing, and maybe one day she will win the big fight. She'd make a terrific WWE villain, and Fox is way overdue for some more Celebrity Violence. Forever cursed to fight an uphill battle, Miss Harding may one day show us all something, after all.

   Or she gets beaten to death by Geri Haliwell. Either way, we get a laugh. And at the end of another humiliating day in the rat race, we need a disgraced figure skater to goof on.

 

    

Nothing says "England" like a Communist Supermodel and a Compton homegirl

 

vs

   This would have been so much better if Maria Sharapova was from Soviet Russia, circa 1979 or so. Trained in the Siberian tundra since birth by a focus group of Red Army trainers and technicians, she is unleashed as a teenager upon the pro tennis tour of the decadent West.

   She seeks nothing other than a complete display of her nation's superiority. The degenerate skirts of the west are no challenge to the White Russian. Fattening herself on the soft pushovers of the tour, she seeks to take down the Ugliest American. Humiliating former champ Lindsay Davenport, she has one obstacle in her path- Serena Williams.

   If Sharapova could somehow kill Serena and force Venus into a Christmas match in Moscow, we'd have a sort of short-skirted Rocky IV. Maybe Venus could make a Rambo speech as she stood over the prostrate form of her Slavic foe... "I used to drive million dollar tanks, and now I can't get a job at the fahging car wash!!"

   Sorry, folks. It rarely works out that well. Sharapova trained in Florida for most of her life. She was 3 when the Berlin Wall came down, and as a Siberian, is more of the oppressee than the oppressor. GLOW tried the same Juggernaut Slavic Heel story with the terrifying Colonel Ninotchka, but they never gained the attention that Wimbledon draws. Wimbledon is the big draw in tennis. If you haven't won Wimbledon, you can't be mentioned among the greats.

   It is sort of like being a Sled Dog that wins the local races, but comes up short in the Iditarod. The other sled dogs sort of snob on you, and you revert to the solace offered by the Chuck Wagon. Next thing you know, you're on the #6 plate at the local Hung Gardens. Society has little use for past glories.

   Serena need not worry, here. She is after her third straight Wimbledon. She gorilla-pimped Jennifer Capriati and Tatiana Golovin to make the finals, blasting a serve past Golovin at over 120mph at one point. The beatings were so bad, reporters saw Serena making Capriati hold her sleeve as she took her to Amelie Mauresmo. While reports were sketchy, Serena left alone, with a carton of Newports.

   Now, all that stands in Serena's way is a slinky Russian teen. Sharapova outlasted Ai Sugiyama and Lindsay Davenport onthe road to the Final, but the party shoud stop when she encounters the Ricky Williams-like thighs of Serena. Serena already whupped fellow Russian teen Golovin, and Sharapova looks to be her next Slavic conquest.

   If not.....sweet. We get a new queen of tennis- a teenage Russian who does modeling work. Anna Kournikova will suddenly look old. Sharapova emerged on the scene with Tatiana Golovin, who got headlines by admitting that she has been saving her virginity for Prince William of England.

   Could these two kids revitalize tennis? Will Sharapova start dating Derek Jeter? What are the chances that William abdicates his chance at the throne in order to flex the Crown Jewels with a Wimbledon quarterfinalist?

   Bill Clinton would have shared a cigar with Golovin in 5 minutes if she had put herself out there like that at the Daytona 500. If Prince William didn't summon Golovin to Buckingham Palace that very day, England may want to have a Coup or something...or get ready for a gay royal wedding. They made you a moron....

   Silly English King....

  

New Texicans

for

   The potential Dallas/LA trade will make the NBA's balance of power a North/South thing. East(Rocky Graziano knocked out a man who asked him, "East side of what?") vs West will only matter if you mean East or West Texas. San Antonio, Houston and Dallas all have the guns to go after Detroit, and Dallas is trying to land a dreadnought. Texas has neve been much of a bystander state, and they look to dominate NBA talk this summer.

   LA seems willing to deal Shaq Daddy, as long as Dirk Nowitzki is involved. Dallas, not wanting to go 10-72 when Shaq retires, seeks to offer any package that does not contain the Diggler. LA refuses to bite on Mike Finley, who is signed to make $18 milly in 2009. Antoine Walker's cap space- $14 million in the summer of 2005- may or may not be involved, as may (or may not) Stackhouse, Nash, Daniels, Harris, Pazodl...ummm, Pavel, or Howard.

  Shaq doesn't guarantee a championship, but he gives you a hell of a shot. He is the single biggest matchup problem in the NBA. Teamed with whoever LA doesn't take, Shaq could make a run of it in Dallas. Still, a starting 5 of Shaq/Finley/Harris/Howard/Walker is no guaranteed title winner- Detroit just got finished whipping a much better Shaq squad last month. Finley and Shaq will eat up most of the salary cap themselves in 2008. Dallas would have to be ready to win...now.

 LA would field a Nowitzki/Malone/Stackhouse/Bryant/GP squad. Formidable, but beatable. Kobe and Shaq is a better bet than any of the other squads I listed above. Maybe LA should have traded Shaq for that 8 foot Chinese guy who couldn't know or care less what Kobe says. Unless Shaq sucks it up and plays out his contract, LA is free to shop him this summer.

   Wherever he lands becomes an instant contender. If they have to empty the vault to get the Big Man, there just may not be much around him. Boston could get Shaq, but the lineup would be Shaq/Walter McCarty, Jumaine Jones, Chucky Atkins and Jiri Welsch...and Boston would go 4-78 the year after Shaq retired.

   Portland  could offer Theo Ratliff and the Sha of I-Reef. Miami could work Grant, Jones and Butler. Washington could offer Kwame, Hughes and Arenas. Boston could offer Pierce, LaFrenz and Davis. Should be a fun summer in LA.

 

 for

   A Tale of Two Cities happened in the Francis/McGrady deal. Orlando sucked with McGrady. They will suck with Francis and Mobely, too. They know this, which is why they took the high school kid in the draft.    

    If Howard sets the league afire as a rookie, they have a backcourt and a defensive center in place. If he takes a few years, they have time to collect Lottery picks. Orlando's best player is 18 years old...they can wait.

    Francis is owed $68 million through 2009, and will be as much a fixture in Orlando as Space Mountain. Grant Hill takes a $45 million bite out of Orlando's cap for the next 3 years, and not much help will be forthcoming once Howard signs. The only cheap help they can afford will be through rookies, which will leave Orlando looking at 2007 with 3 studs led by the veteran Francis.

   Houston, on the other hand, is aiming to build a contender. Last year, they were the worst team in Texas. Texas has Duncan, and may have Shaq before August. Houston needed to score big. They got the NBA's scoring leader, who immediately becomes the funkiest man in Texas. The Rockets plan to build around TMac and Ming. "Ming" is the first word in much Dynasty talk.

     Almost as an afterthought, they picked up Juwan Howard, who is in position to contribute. The Christmas Wish of the 6'8" power forward is a 7'6" center. They cover a lot of flaws in one's game, and free one up to do some low post scoring. Taylor and Howard are an effective platoon system- when used in conjunction with Ming. Howard is barely holding off Dwight as the 5th coolest Howard in American History. They both trail Hughes, Stern, Cosell and Moe.

   McGrady is a splendid guard, but the bench is so thin, the team is prohibited by labor laws from signing Oliver Miller. They have only Lue at point guard, and Mr. McGrady will consume most of their shopping money next summer.

    As it stands right now, they are still the third best team in Texas...especially if Shaq suddenly develops the need for one of those silly hats. They may be the 4th best team if Parcells gets the Cowboys in the playoffs again.