Smarty Jones Interview

Not a lot of people know this, but I am fluent in Horse. Very few sportswriters speak Horse, so AOL chose me to go down to Kentucky and chew the hay with the Double Crown winner, Smarty Jones.

Smarty Jones may have the Versailles of stables. The first shocker was his celebrity greeter- former Oscar winner Mira Sorvino. Mira led me to the opulent parlor, where she told me that Mr. Jones would be down in 5 minutes.

Smarty then came down the ramp(stairs are tough on 4 legged stars), and I swear I saw cocaine around his ample nostrils. Grabbing an apple from the fruit basket, Smarty munched away as we spoke for over an hour. Here's the transcript:

HAC: The first question everyone wants to know: What happened?

SJ: I threw the Belmont Stakes...and I'll tell you why. I went down to Vegas, and saw I was a 2:5 favorite. Birdstone was a 36-1 shot. I've been saving up for a while, and I recently had an aunt die that was related to Secretariat. I saw 36-1 odds, and I nearly filled my bag, if you know what I mean.

HAC: I thought this place looked a little Liberace for a horse that doesn't get the money after the race. Are you bitter about that?

SJ: God-damned right I am. Here I am, half naked, getting whipped by some sawed-off Ecuadorian midget...and I don't take home a bloody nickel. The fans don't love me...look at what happened to Timely Writer. BAM!! Right on the damn track.

HAC: What do you think of Birdstone?

SJ: I think "Thanks, babe". He's lucky I ran interference for him, or he'd be ALPO right now. While I hate to bring up the spectre of performance-enhancing drugs, Birdstone had a sort of Chinese Swimmer look in his eyes as I checked him out before the race.

HAC: What's next for Smarty Jones?

SJ: I've hired the Poston brothers to negotiate my deal with FOX to produce a new Mr. Ed show. To make it more 2004-ish, I'll have 5 hot roomates, and we'll hang out at a coffee shop. I have a handshake agreement with Jennifer Aniston and Jason Priestley.

HAC: The Postons? Yikes...

SJ: I was very impressed with the work they did on the Kellen Winslow negotiations. You can't let the System play you out. You haveto grab them by the feet and shake money out of them. The Postons will do this for me....here, check out this video I obtained:       Here.

HAC: What about being put out to stud? There seem to be benefits to that.

SJ: (smiles) The Fillies will be well taken care of, I can assure you. I'm more interested in being a part of the first human/horse hybrid. As you might imagine, we'll need to find a fairly large woman to bear my legacy...and we're also looking for a unique mix of brains, health, and athletic ability. I was thinking Brooke Shields, but the scientists are insisting on Rebecca Lobo or Lisa Leslie. I do have Veto Power here, and will use it if necessary. BTW, ladies call me "Hoss".

HAC: Have any endorsement offers come around, yet?

SJ: I kind of blew the Belmont Springs deal, but that was apples and oats compared to the 36:1 killing I made Saturday. I am insisting on creative control for a series of Clydesdale spots Budweiser is interested in having me do. Nike is on hold till they kick up my offer to LeBron levels. Other than that, I am taking all calls.

HAC: Well, I have a Kangaroo Jack interview at 4PM....thanks for your time, and best of luck. Any advice for the kids?

SJ: Never play cards with someone named after a city...and never bet with someone named Smarty.

 

Cannae

     Larry Brown faces a daunting task. He's taking on a team with 4 Hall of Famers. He needs to stop Wilt 2004. A guy named Chauncey(I wish the Celtics could get a guy like THAT) handles the ball. He has a best player who can't really score.

     A guy who is threatening the all-time scoring record is Option #3 on the other team. Option #2, btw, has bigger things on his mind than this game...but he'll drop 40 on you once this series, guaranteed. And you'd better hope Option #1 tears his knee up in Game 1.

     The Pistons are a splendid team. Chauncey is a scoring point guard, always a hoot to watch. Rip has been clutch through the whole postseason. Prince made a supernatural block on Miller that kids will strive to imitate. Rasheed has been...gasp...a steady veteran presence. Has he been ejected from a game as a Piston? Okur is a trip to watch- I thought he was black until I saw him.

     I'd love to see Darko get some minutes- if he can shoot at all, they'll need him. Let him play against George, or at least let him foul Shaq 6 times. He may get some heavy minutes if one of the games is a rout.

     How cool is Ben Wallace? A monster defensive presence, a rebounder extrordinaire...and big hair. The man throws his weight around, makes his presence felt, and leaves it all on the court. If that jumper keeps falling, he lures Shaq away from the basket. Defense first, rebounding, hustling, team-oriented, a nobody who succeeded- the kind of kid a coach likes to see his team marry.

     Still, they can't score with the Lakers, and are poorly equipped to stop Kobe and Shaq. This is Finals #1 for most of them. Like a cheating spouse, Larry Brown sometimes says "Carmello" when speaking to Milicic. Larry better get his Screw Face on, and he might want to delve into African history and read about Hannibal.

     I don't mean the insane guy after Jodie Foster...either of them. I also don't mean the guy fom the A Team, although he would be good to have in on the planning. I mean the general from Carthage, who marched his army over the Alps(with elephants, nonetheless) to attack Rome.

     Facing the Roman army in central Italy at a river bend called Cannae, Hannibal sent his 45,000 men after 55,000 Romans. He instructed his center to cave in, and then surrounded the advancing Romans. He allowed the stronger foe to exert his energy, fell on them from all sides, and chopped them to pieces. This double envelopement is still studied by generals today, and elements of it can be seen in the Schlieffen Plan(Germany's plan to invade France via Belgium) and  Operation Desert Storm. The entire Roman army was slaughtered.

     Now, Larry Brown doesn't have the option of having his Numidian light calvary attack the Lakers from the rear. What he needs to do is go to the drawing board and come away with a masterpiece. Knocking off a Dream Team would be the Cannae of basketball. I'd love to see it happen.

 

Auerbach vs Jackson

      With Phil Jackson closing in on NBA title #10, there will be talk that this will make him the greatest coach in NBA history. Disregard this talk.

     Red Auerbach does. When he is asked about the imminent fall of his record, he is quick to point out that he doesn't hold Jackson in high regard. 

     Red is a free speaker, and he is not above some sour grapes, it seems. He does have some points, though:

- Phil Jackson was handed the best player in the league- by far- twice. If PJ was the GM who drafted Jordan or Kobe, we could talk. If he manipulated the roster/salary cap to bring in O'Neal, then we'd be talking Auerbachian greatness. PJ's just a rich kid who had NASA scientists build his Soap Box Derby racer. Sure, he wins...but let's use our adjectives with restraint.

- Jackson has never rebuilt a team. He ran like a rat when the Bulls went into decline, and will bail on the Lakers before Shaq does...guar-an-teed. When Russell retired, Red built a winner around White, Havlicek and Cowens. When they got old, he built around Larry Bird. Red's semi-retirement has produced a 20 year drought.

- No one has ever trusted the "Greatest Coach" ever with GM duties. They won't let Phil shop for the groceries. Sure, Auerbach had great players. He selected them himself, and coached them into winners. He robbed other teams to get star players- Russell from St. Louis, Bird from LA, McHale and Parish from Golden State, and DJ from Phoenix. Those 5 dudes were acquired for Ed McCauley, Cliff Hagan, Charlie Scott, Joe Barry Carroll, Ricky Brown and Rick Robey. That's genius, folks.

- Jackson's signature offense- the triangle- is a joke. In Chicago, the triangle was 4 guys standing at the 3 point line while Jordan went one on one. Has Pippen ever scored outside of transition? Trust me...truly great offenses don't have one guy shooting 45 times- even if he is God's Other Son. "Triangle" must be Zen for "let one guy gun it all the time".
    
    In Los Angeles, the triangle just doesn't fit the players. PJ hangs with it anyway, even when the results are disastrous- see San Antonio last year, or games 1+2 of this year's series. Only when they abandoned the triangle for the pick and roll/post-up game did the Lakers assert themselves. It isn't that hard folks...feed the Daddy, every time down.

- Red's teams played together. There was no one recording a Shaq Diss rap CD during Red's time on the clock. Granted, in Red's time there were no CDs, rap, or Shaq, but still... in Red's day, those two would have been put into a room, and kept there till they were friends or until one had convinced the other to shut up.
   
    Red has almost double the rings Jackson has...and he earned them. His innovations (the fast break, the shot blocker) are still being mimicked today, rather than abandoned when exposed as folly...like the triangle. He kept order on his teams- he could even make Heinsohn shut up. The Kobe/Shaq debacle is a sign of a team that doesn't have a firm hand on the wheel. Phil rode Wilt 2004 to dominance- Red repeatedly whipped Chamberlain squads.

    Save the "how many titles did Jordan and Kobe win without PJ" questions. Anyone who thinks Jordan wouldn't have won without PJ should hand their credibility in at the door. Blaming Kobe for not winning a title before he could drink is just short-sighted, as is blaming Jordan for not winning by himself till Isiah, Magic, Kareem, Bird and Dr. J had retired or slowed. Once Jordan's time came, a monkey could have coached that team to a Dynasty. Since Jordan retired, whoever has Shaq has had the Upper Hand.

    The Laker fans need not think I'm bemoaning their team's accomplishments. LA has a kick-ass team, by far the best of this generation. They have(had) a guy who I would say is just about as good as Red, if not better. A guy who worked the system and got the Franchise(s) that started the Dynasty(ies).

    He has done everything positive that I listed above, in some form or another. He has won titles for the Lakers with his feet on the court AND in the front office. He manipulated the rules to bring the dominant player of his generation to his team. His team truly sucked for very few years during his decades-long association with the club, and were usually the class of the league. He has more rings than Elizabeth Taylor. He rebuilt an awful team, and got it into the playoffs, a la Miami or...ummm, the Grizzlies. His greatness makes me put aside the Celtic goggles I usually wear.

   Simply put, this Laker great equaled- and I might say surpassed- the Auerbach standard. This kid could play a bit, too. He deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Auerbach. It just isn't Phil Jackson.

   It's Jerry West.

 

Hockey fights and college/pro hoops

    Hockey is really hurting. I think 16 or so NHL clubs lost money last  year. They signed a bowser of a TV deal. They give far too much of the revenue back to the players. They just need one hockey fight to end in death, and they'll be a pariah.

    I love hockey fights, but I do think the NHL should move to stop them. Howe? Simple. Anytime 2 people fight, they should be sent to the penalty box- where they would be arrested, just like anyone else who assaults someone. They would also be suspended for the year, as would their coaches.

    This would result in a lot of sticks to the head, but the D.A. could look at the tapes after the game easily enough. This sounds like a bad scene, but a dead player being CPRd and defibrilated(I don't know the verb for that) is a bad scene that would ruin the sport for a generation.

    Speaking of "lost for a generation", I always laugh when I hear people brag on college basketball. As far as talent goes, they have little/none. Anyone with real talent these days skips college and goes straight to the good league. If you have a draft pick other than #1, you probably won't even look at the colleges- you'll be off to Europe, or the high schools.

    While people might say the game is played better in college, I disagree. The brilliant college coaches usually flop when they get to the NBA, a la Tarkanian or Pitino. They say the college game is more fundamentally sound, but most teams barely have one guy who can score off the dribble, play man to man defense, or post up. Anyone who can score inside is triple-teamed, because the rest of the team is usually inept. Every important game ends in either stalling or free throw shooting. The fact that the US Olympic teams are made up of professionals should tell you all you need to know.

    The NBA's rating problem is simple. LA is a fine team, but every other team is mediocre. San Antonio, who won it all last year, is a one man gang. New Jersey has lost badly to both teams. LeBron, the most hyped rookie in some time, isn't in the playoffs. Indy and Detroit are simply Level B.

    Los Angeles fans will be happy in 4-5 games or so, but they won't really be rocking, like they did when the Celtics came to town 20 years ago. Those intense games were played between star-stocked teams, and there was an ancient(I'm 27) rivalry behind it. Any chance the Pistons have is dependent upon the injury/conviction of Shaq and Kobe- which will suck the fans away like a vacuum.

    The NBA needs to lose some teams, spread the talent around, and try to market a little better. With less teams, there will be less roster spots to put high school kids in, which will lead to more of them being/staying in college. This will produce more skilled draftees, which would help raise the level of play- in both the pros and in college.

    Until they do that, they should learn to enjoy #3 status. Hockey will never pass them, soccer has peaked(all those kids who PLAY soccer go home afterwards and watch football- I've been teaching in high school for some time now, and I have never seen a soccer shirt, let alone heard anyone speak of it), NASCAR is a joke to most anyone north of the Confederacy, and boxing is almost back in the bar rooms. The NBA can hold it's position, but it will have to innovate to challenge the Big Two.

Guerrero Redefines Manhood

   Did you all see Guerrero on the TV? Was there a more Manly expression of proficiency ever displayed? Especially on national TV. Few men can put on a show like that. I would say that Guerrero is the best athlete working in any sport at the moment.

   There are some tremendous stories in the sports world these days. Smarty Jones taking the Preakness by a dozen lengths. Kobe Bryant playing with the pressure of a rape charge hanging over his head. LeBron James rising out of the Hang Time league to revitalize Cleveland. ARod making more money than Senegal. All of these men get shrinkage when Chavo Guerrero enters the room.

   Not only did Chavo Classic defend his title, but he set a standard that few men can match. After the match, at least 5 women from the crowd in Toronto couldn't control themselves, and charged the ring to marvel in his masculinity.

   The fact that Chavo Classic was seen paying these women on camera takes nothing from his accomplishment. He looked like a smaller, older, Hispanic Godfather.

   Chavo Classic having 5 women is a good enough gig to keep the title in his hands for a month or two, I hope. I'm often wrong when I try to anticipate pro wrestling storylines, which may or may not be a good thing. I try not to think too hard about these things, because Vince knows what's good for us.

Bust Out the Whuppin' Stick

   We now have our Finalists. The Detroit Pistons and the LA Lakers. Offense vs Defense. West Coast vs East Coast(of Lake Superior or something). Flash vs Bash. Rip vs Rape. The worst 7 foot rapper of all time vs an afro you could hide an Olsen Twin or two in.

   This one looks like a good old fashioned country ass whuppin'. LA has 4 guys who can get points easier than the best Detroit scorer. They have a huge height advantage inside. They have a guard no Piston can stop. They have guys with rings, a coach looking to knock off Auerbach's record, and old vets who have been through the wars before. The Pistons have 2 chances of winning this scrap:

A) Slim

B) None

...and as for old Slim...he just left town, Jack.

   Detroit is in the Finals because they play an intimidating style of D that is centered around the power of Ben Wallace in the middle. Wallace, who is the textbook definition of an East Coast center, will give up 4 inches and 50 pounds to Shaq, and won't be much quicker.

   Haq-a-Shaq will rob Detroit of the heart of its' defense, although Wallace will no doubt make fine use of his fouls. What has been a strength for Detroit all year- inside power- will suddenly become a startling deficiency when they meet the Daddy.

   Kobe just won't take no for an answer from the slender Hamilton. He'll ravage him like a Vail hostess. This is a guy who wants to leave LA after a statement-making series, and Detroit will be just another victim to the God of Both Courts. Unless Chauncey can light up Payton for 30 a game, the backcourt edge for LA will be almost comical. The Prince/George matchup really doesn't matter at all.

   Detroit can goon it up, injure Kobe, and force Shaq to shoot 20 free throws a game. Maybe they've been hiding Darko all year, and he will make his debut in the LA series to the tune of 30ppg, 55% shooting, 12 rpg and 20 blocks- all while throwing a blanket on Shaq in a 4 game rout.

   Enjoy it while it lasts, La La Land. Karl Malone went to HS with Kobe's grandaddy, GP wants out, and Kobe stands a chance of being on another team next year...or in jail. A major injury to Shaq puts this team at .500, and his retirement puts them in the Lottery.

   If Detroit wins this series, look for Larry Brown to ascend into Heaven as the final buzzer sounds.

Feeding Smarty Jones to Paris Hilton's dog...wrecking cars...and slapping Anna around

   A few thoughts, if I may...

- While I think horses are cute (Why the long face?), my husband thinks that all the losing horses in the Kentucky Derby should be made into high-end dog food ($5000 a can?) for celebrity pets. If the horses could somehow be made aware of the stakes, it would provide a more compelling race for both the spectator and participant.

 

- I feel badly for the people who drive the Indy 500 cars instead of the NASCARs. They seem to get less attention than their regular car driving cousins. I don't know if Indy cars wreck worse than NASCAR ones, but I would think they do. I'd love a few comments on this.

 

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- Sportz Assassin has a good note in his journal(I'll include a link if I remember) regarding the lack of personality on the Tennis Scene. Damn straight. Tennis doesn't sell well these days, although it will always be a major sport.

   To make it a huge sport, they need to make changes.

   More /personality sex appeal is needed. Martina Hingis seems snooty, the Williams sisters have that awful father of theirs, Capriati smokes the cheeb, and the rest seem to be burly, silent Europeans.

   Thus, they are very difficult to relate to. We don't feel joy for the winner, and we don't pity the loser. They're both young, rich and will retire at 28 or so.

   They are usually heavily into the sport in their teens, and grow up in this insular world of travel and training. I'm surprised they aren't arrested more often.

   The best known tennis player in the world is Anna Kournikova, who isn't really that good. She was ranked 308th in 2003, and lost to a high school kid(Carly Gullickson, pictured below) in straight sets.

   It doesn't matter. She's mint. Hot, blonde, Russian, and as slinky as the day is long. She turns up in the news a lot, dating Derek Jeters and such. She fills seats, and draws people to the televison. If she could last a little longer in the tournaments, she'd attract a lot of attention to the girls who CAN play. Then, non-fans might actually develop an interest in the game, or the players that aren't on a MAXIM cover.

   If the proficient players looked more like her, they'd make piles o' cash. If I was taller and thinner, I'd be working on my game right now.

   The guys have a visual problem, too. They need a few guys who LOOK like they could play some football. Too many pretty boys who seem a bit delicate walking those courts.

   They also need a few colorful personalities. Surely, this generation has produced a few guys who know who to scream at a ref, remove their pants, and draw attention to themselves?

   Also, the rules should be changed so that we are treated to an occasional NHL-style fist fight. Imagine the entertainment if a judge had hopped off a chair and gone after McEnroe? Fights, however wrong they are, tend to be tremendous viewing, and should be incorporated into tennis as soon as possible. Then, people would be interested.

   I'll be honest with you regarding my dream of making it big in Pro Tennis. I was never any good at it. My thighs are too big for any sport that is played in a short skirt, especially if Anna was on the other side of the net....unless I could hop over the net and fight her. I'd step up and Power Bomb the tramp.