Pretty Vacant

 

Sports related thoughts on a nice spring day... I'm injured, and I can only work in brief paragraph form:

- College ball sells differently than pro hoops, but a Louisiana vs Northern Virginia NBA finals series or World Series would be a financial butt-raping that the league wouldn't recover from in a TV contract year season. I can recall a lot of ugly scenarios being painted for an Indiana/Utah NBA finals that we almost got a few years ago.

   That said, go George Mason!

- Enjoy it while it lasts, because they already fixed the hole in the dyke... but notice how a few years after the elite high school kids start going to the NBA in great numbers, you don't see Duke in the Final Four? I already want the Celtics to get that Greg Oden kid who will do his one year apprenticeship at Ohio State next year.

- Speaking of NBA drafts... while watching the Knicks suck this season, know that they traded away their #1 pick (which may just be the #1 overall pick) to the soon-to-be-competitive Chicago Bulls for chubby center Eddy Curry.  No hope for the future.... and the present sucks, too. They should be pretty awful about the time Oden "finishes" college.

- I've been laid up a lot recently, and I've been watching a lot of normal (read: non-sports) TV. One of the great shocks to my system is the show COPS. 

    Keep in mind the fact that I watch almost nothing on TV but sports when I tell you that- in a lifetime of NFL viewing- I have only seen maybe 5-10 instances where a white man was able to run a black man down from behind. The white guys on COPS  never lose a footrace.

   I'd advance "crack" as a theory, but lots of NFL guys smoke crack. Taking LT and Michael Irvin as evidence, you'd figure that crack would actually improve the rogue's ability to get away. Nope. I must add that the cops catch all the white guys, too.

  Granted, the footage is edited so that the good guys always solve the case... and much like the coyote/roadrunner show, you kind of figure out that you won't get to see anyone beaten on prime-time TV. Still, they should try to show a few fruitless chases now and then.

   I'd imagine that the show wouldn't get the ratings if it consisted of a series of shots involving teens running from cops, who sort of chase them for 50 yards before giving up. I still think it would make for compelling viewing. "G*ddamn kid runs like a f****** deer..."

   Crooks get away from the white cop on Law and Order... but he usually has a young black/Hispanic partner.

- I'm verty, verty interested in how the Patriots spend their first round pick next month. Our starting WRs look like Deion Branch and an aging Troy Brown, we lost the brutal Willie McGinest at OLB, we played a bunch of jabronis at cornerback all last year, our offensive line is shaky, and we even need a kicker.

   We pick fairly late (21st), but we'll be drafting a starter. A lot of sites have us drafting a Corey Dillon replacement, although the McGinest move has started prognosticators towards selecting us a big linebacker. I'd personally try to get a cornerback, although we'll probably go with the BAAATT... "best athlete available at the time."

   We won't take a kicker in the first round. Bill Parcells raised eyebrows once by taking Scott "Missin" Sisson in the fourth round. I would imagine that we'll take whoever we can get.

- Best name in the draft? D'Brickashaw Ferguson. He's too big to laugh at in person, but I'll say it here for everyone to see.... that's a goofy name. Ashton Youboty is pretty funny, too.

- Two fun things happen next month. The Boston Marathon and Opening Day for the Red Sox are both merely weeks away. I could give a damn about the marathon, but a lot of people love the stuff. Bet on whoever has the most Ys, Ks and Es in their first name, and you should do a-ight.

   The Red Sox lost Damon, but they still have Manny and Big Papi. The rotation looks like Clement, Schilling, Wells, Beckett, and maybe Wakefield. If I have to wait another 86 years to see them win again, I'll kill someone by 65 or so.

- Speaking of droughts, the Bruins are now the only local team not to win a championship in my lifetime. They just canned G.M. Mike O'Connell after a six year reign of error, and we don't look good for making the playoffs.

   I seem to recall Boston being a hockey town when i was a kid, but they have had a frightening loss of momentum recently. I taught for several years in both city and suburb, and I never once saw kids talking about hockey. I personally like hockey, but one gets the sense of looking down on a dying patient when watching it. Boston needs to make that team interesting very quickly.

- It'll be hard to do it this year without a big shot of Winstrol in the arse, but I can't wait to see Bud Selig having to suck up to Barry Bonds when he cracks homer 756. That will be one of the funniest prepared speeches of all time. With Bonds and all time hits leader Pete Rose both banned from the Hall Of Fame, it's getting to the point where a team of persona non gratas  could beat the best team you could scrape up out of the HOF.

Duxbury is running amok

Duxbury displays finishing touch - The Boston Globe

   My old school has been on a roll. Usually, we only win soccer, golf and tennis. This year, the football team took a Division 2-A Super Bowl, something that never happens. Now, we have our greedy little hands on the state boy's (I could only find a girl's team pic... sorry) basketball championship, thanks to a 60-57 victory over St. Bernard's.

   It's our first boy's hoop title since the Bill Curley era, although the girls win now and then. Duxbury has no/few black kids at all, so we usually suffer mightily when the tournament brings us up against a city team. This year, it didn't matter. We even beat local powerhouse Catholic Memorial. Sometimes, it's just a Green Dragon year.

   We didn't win soccer this year, but we usually do. We did a lot better when Foster Cass was coaching. Cass is like the Coach K of local soccer- his teams are favored to win even if no one can name a single player on them (like I can't). Cass and Pat Shea have done a lot to secure Duxbury's standing as a local soccer factory.

   Spring sports interest me less, although Chris Sweet and Tony Fisher seem to be building a lacrosse dynasty for the Drag. Lacrosse is a lot of fun to watch, although I prefer the old guy leagues where you may actually see a fist-fight (lacrosse tends to attract hockey-minded individuals here in New England).

   Tennis and baseball are coming up, too. We never win baseball, but we've been pretty good at tennis for most of my life. Rich white towns tend to own tennis around here, while the more blue collar towns run baseball. I have no idea who wins track, although I'd venture that it is the team with the faster kids.

 

Better Living Through Chemistry

   I've long been a proponent of the belief that one isn't really  sick until a doctor tells them so. With that in mind, I've been trying to work through some personal problems here on El Cape.

   Doctors are valued too highly by our society anywho. You feel sick, you go to the doctor, and what do they tell you? They tell you that you're sick! Then they take a bunch of your money, either right out of your hand or a little at a time through health insurance benefits. It's a bunch of nonsense, and the last thing I feel like doing is putting on one of those silly shirts and sitting on a table that someone with Butt Herpes was just sitting on one appointment before me.

   Sure, Butt Herpes is sort of rare... I have that rare kind of luck. But I digress...

   The only reason you should go to the doctor is if you lack the connections needed to secure proper madicinal supplies. The Smurf does not have that problem, as we always keep an ear to the street here at High Above Courtside.

   There's the matter of being half-comatose during the day, when the problem of dealing with officialdom, kids, errands, chores and whatever else comes up, umm, comes up. Poppa didn't raise no punks, so I'm steeled to suffer in silence until someone else is around should a task that requires driving suddenly materialize.

   A lot of my heroes are athletes, and I believe in playing through pain. Sure, I hurt a lot.... but my work brings joy to the otherwise dreary and mundane lives of my readership. A lot of people would beat their kids and cheat on their wives without the restoration of balance that my humor brings to them.

   So... down the hatch with a few Smile Pills, and let's get into tonight's topic:

Greatest Combinations Of Drugs And Sports:

 

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- Getting Big

   Mark McGwire always swung a mean bat, and he does look like the friggin' Brawny Paper Towel Guy, who is modeled on ol' New Englander Paul Bunyan. He's never been an infield hit kind of guy, out there stealing 54 bases a year.

   Still, when a guy who normally hits 40 suddenly jumps up to 70... squirrel, please!

   I know what you're thinking.... This should be Barry Bonds and only Barry Bonds leading off this lineup. I'm keeping Barry out of it for now, so as to debut him as an undisputed #1 when he breaks Hank Aaron's record.

 

- Tour De Lance

   I don't know much about bicycle races or blood doping, but most people who lose a testicle don't continue to dominate endurance sports without running for the shelter of their Mother's Little Helper.

   While it isn't relevant, I'd bet that most people who suffer serious Nut Injuries while riding a bicycle do it by suddenly stopping and falling forward onto that stabilization bar. Either way, Lance gets spot #2.

 

- L.S.Doc

   In 1970 or so, Doc Ellis thought that he had a day off. He decided to celebrate by taking a fat hit of that 1970s LSD, the MK-Ultra kind that produced Pink Floyd music.

   Most people (Bonds, McGwire) who take drugs for Sport do so for the benefits that the drug provide to their game. Even the silliest hippy would advise someone against taking LSD beforepitching a major league game.

   As you've probably already guessed, Doc was indeed slated to pitch that day. The shocker is that he went out and threw a no-hitter. "The ball looked like a beach ball at times," admitted Ellis.

   God favors drunks and small children, the Irish proverb sayeth.... but He must have a special spot in his heart for guys who gobble some acid before taking the mound.

   Stephen knows a kid from Duxbury who had a similar experience when an injury suddenly put him into the goal for a varsity hockey game. He got shelled like Afghanistan.

 

- Going For The 1000 Pound Discount

   Nate Newton is one of my favorite humans, and he's EXACTLY the deep-voiced black that SBL needs out there with Jamie, CT, and Erin. Nate is also the largest black person I'd use the expression "gotta call a spade a spade" about, and a great part of that is my belief that he can't find me.

   While there isn't a book out called "What NOT to do while awaiting trial for smuggling 400 pounds of marijuana," you can rest assured that one of the first chapters would be called "Don't get arrested AGAIN with 400 pounds of marijuana."

   Nate never read that book, which hurt his market value to the point where that Sports Bloggers Live idea isn't as far-fetched as you might think it is.

 

- The Damn Game Is Too Long

   Steve Howe and Marvin Barnes both hold a special spot on this list. They got high DURING the game. Howe at least had the decency to duck into the back of the dugout. Barnes simply wrapped his head in a toweland got snuffed right on the bench in the Boston Garden.

   Kids, even a long game in either sport isn't going to stretch past 4 hours or so. If you can't wait 4 hours for a line, it's time for a lil' rehab.

   I don't know what Howe is doing these days, but Barnes seems to have straightened himself out. He works for the Rebound Foundation in Providence, which you can link to on the right side of this here page.

 

- Take That

   Joe Theismann went to Notre Dame, lived in DC, did Just Say No commercials, and probably saw himself as a viable Senate candidate upon his retirement. God is supposed to love people like him.

   LT was some North Carolina dummy who smoked crack like Steve Howe going to Dwight Gooden's birthday party. God is supposed to punish people like him.

   Guess what happened when A met B? JT's leg was the only crack LT was near that season that he didn't put a Bic onto. The part about LT being the best linebacker ever makes it just that much more funny.

   Viewed in that context, kids learned that they should Just Say Yo.

Going on the IR

   Your humble author has been less than well lately, so Team Monponsett physicians have ordered me to rest. Fear not, though... Sloppy Dog has come forth to head enterprises here while my I recover.

   Sloppy Dog is quite a sport in her own way. Her principal recreations are chasing her tennis ball, schnuff fights, Sloppy walks (usually held in Sloppy Park, Sloppy Beach or Sloppy Dog Bog) and swimming in Sloppy Bay.

 

 

She also does charity work.

Your Monday Photo Shoot: Pets at Play

Worst Announcers/Analysts In Sport

- Bill Walton

   If I were being tortured, and was told that I could skip all the torture by listening to Bill Walton... I'd choose the cattle prod to the lap over hearing that goofy-toothed mothereffer.

   He's not only the worst analyst in the NBA, and the worst in all sports... he's the worst of all time. Listening to him is like having a hippy spill his bong water into your brain. My youngest daughter (pushing 2) actually threw up carrots once when Walton credited Steve Nash's success to "harmonic convergence."

   If you try to IM me on a Sunday afternoon and I don't answer... see if I have the AOL Radio on. If I do, there's a good chance that I'm watching the NBA with the volume down and the radio on. EPMD probably never played for UCLA, but they are less grating on my brain then Bill waiting until one team is 20 points up before uttering an opinion.

 

- Dick Vitale

   College kids are really just young boys, which makes Vitale's fawning over them somewhat frightening. When Gabby and Melissa start playing sports, i wouldn't let a fan/coach/announcer anywhere near them if he is as enamored of them as Vitale is of JJ Reddick.

   Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but Jeeeeeesus... something isn't right there. I don't brag about my own kids as hard as he deifies some kid who hits a 15 footer. He sounds like a man who constantly has his hand in his own pants.

   Here's Dick's coaching resume:

1) Started coaching at an elementary school (yikes), then spent eight years coaching in high school.. with 2 state championships. This was the pinnacle of his success.

2) Four years at the University of Detroit, where he made the tournament once.

3) Went 34-60 coaching the Detroit Pistons, although his ruination of the team helped them land the future Bad Boy lineup.

  Then he had the God-bless-him good fortune to take a job at a fledgling network, and the rest is bad-catchphrase history.

 

- Joe Buck

   Most people who watch the NFL would probably deny that they are doing so to see 3 hours of organized, accelerated violence. That said, they consider someone being slammed into frozen grass to be "entertaining."

   These people aren't going to be put off too much by someone pretending to bang a moon at the crowd. When Randy Moss did so, Joe Buck's reaction was one of such utter indignation that you'd have thought that Randy had tea-bagged his infant daughter.

   Rule one... men shouldn't worry too much about other men's butts. Rule two... if you are worried about it, keep it to yourself.

   And that was just one football play. Watching him call baseball with Tim McCarver is pretty much what they mean when they call TV the "idiot box."

- Tim McCarver

   Captain Obvious has many sites dedicated to hating him, such as: Tim McCarver, please shut up! - ShutupTimMcCarver.com

Some McCarver Moronity:

- "He wears his hat like a left hander!" 

- "Watch Darren Daulton use his mitt like a glove." 

- "There is a world of difference between a count of one ball and two strikes and two strikes and one ball." 

- "With Guererro, it's not as much astrike ZONE as it is a strike AREA."

-  "You see Colon talking into his glove because David Ortiz, from the Dominican Republic, can obviously read lips in Spanish." 

- "Half of the Yankees' regulars this year have not been regulars."

- "Yankee pitchers have had great success this year against Cabrera when they get him out." 

 

- Andres Cantor

   I love this guy, but I can understand how that "Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooallllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" stuff can wear thin after some time.

 

- Marv Albert

   "Yesssssssss!!"

   I'm offended when I see this lecher on TV. He took a plea bargain to avoid a Forcible Sodomy conviction against a woman who he also bit. In a perfect world, he'd be castrated and sent to die on a Gilligan island. In our NBA, he's back on the mic.

   That's right, kids... the NBA will take your job if you get caught smoking weed, so the sodomizer won't be offended describing you. The wig isn't fooling anyone, either.

 

- Troy Aikman

   Dear God, the lad still looks a bit concussed, even after all these years. He looks like he has to be wound up before speaking.

 

Get Ya Open Like Six Pack

Show Me Something: Blog Six-Pack Picks :

Uncle Joe needs six packs, and who am I to say no?

For those of you not in the know, a blog six pack is when you link to six blogs from your blog. All of these blogs are related by some sort of theme.

I'll go with New England blogs, and we'll let the chips fall where they may.

 

Miss Stacy's Pisses and Moans

If I die, I'll send my daughters off to live with Miss Stacy.

 Miss Stacy is a Boston dominatrix who knows how to "handle" men... I'd say "treat them like dogs," except that she likes dogs better than men. I think her principal job is soliciting money online, and you can donate from her gift registry if you so desire.

Once a girl knows how to "handle" men, things tend to go a bit better for them. Stephen would probably dispute my decision, but I'd ensure that he has full visitation rights.

No, it's not me.

The fun part? Neither of us is really a Stacey, although both of us drew Stacey from our more European (she's from Norway) monikers. I'd meet her for coffee someday, but I'm 5'1" and she isn't.

This blog should offend most everybody, but it's a lot of fun to read.

 

Premature Jock-ularity

DP has been sports blogging longer than I have, which isn't easy to do.

We locked horns in the All Star Blogger contest, and had my doctor refused to allow me to go to Houston ( I was preggers), I was going to give him the tickets while keeping the prize money for myself.

Sometimes, the cookie doesn't crumble in your favor, though. I waddled around Houston and my hub met Jessica Simpson, while David sat in Rhode Island.

That said, he writes a top-notch blog. Chew on it a while, then check out whoever I decide to put in here next.

 

Celtics Pride

This blog has been up in various forms, but it's all Cetics/all the time.

I don't expect you to be all Celtic fannish, but the Celts are terrible this year. That means that this blog can be used as a psychological study, examining the random peaks and valleys that drive people to kill.

 

CapeCodToday Blog Chowder 

This is a pile of Cape Cod-themed blogs, and is sort of the 30 pack to Joe's sixer. I'm in there somewhere, although I just dump my AOL stuff in there.

 

Coztanza's Commentary

This is sort of cheating, because George is from effing New Yawk... but he goes to BC, and my neck hurts too much to hunt links.

George tells it like it is, and I've written an article simply by piggybacking on an article he wrote.

Like DP, George sometimes turns up at:

Two Minute Warning